To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

I wouldn’t take on caring for an in-law, either. He’s right, not his responsibility.

And I agree with him on not inviting her to the lunch, if part of that lunch was discussing what to do with her. People need to feel comfortable being totally open and honest about what help they are willing to give. Do you think anyone can say, “I don’t want to be your carer,” to her face?

If she was part of the discussion then she shouldn’t have been there, not until people have got it clear who is doing what. Then she can be involved in another lunch where she can say what she wants and you’ll all know how to manage expectations if she asks for more from those who can’t do it.

I wouldn't expect or want my husband's brother to have responsibility for me if my husband died.

Desecratedcoconut · Today 08:44
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It doesn't surprise me that there are so many people here who think that this level of callous disregard is perfectly acceptable”

Do you have relatives with dementia?
I do, my mum. I wouldn’t take her out for a meal anymore because it would be unsettling for her and distressing for everyone else. Nothing callous about it. I won’t be caring for her, either. When my stepdad can no longer cope, I will be strongly advocating for professional care by people who know what they’re doing.

Unfortunately also a lot of families don’t see in-laws as family when their blood relative is no longer around. (my in-laws are like this). It could be he falls into that camp.

My husband is alive. I've never considered his family as my family. I have an artificial connection to them by marriage. "In-law" isn't actually a term which creates any legal obligations or connections and it certainly doesn't create any family connections as far as I'm concerned.

This!!
What a disgusting attitude. NORMAL people would just automatically think to support the family. Yet his true colours are showing, take notes op.

I’m a NORMAL person. I won’t be caring for my mum because I’m not qualified to do so. I want her properly cared for by professionals.

This!!
What a disgusting attitude. NORMAL people would just automatically think to support the family. Yet his true colours are showing, take notes op.

What support are you talking about? Have you ever looked after someone with dementia? Taken on responsibility for them? It's easy to sit there behind a screen pontificating when it is not you being faced with it.

I can’t imagine anything worse than being cared for by my BIL. It’s not that he’s horrible or anything but I would want to be cared for by proper carers, not someone who has been guilted into it and doesn’t really want to do it or know what they’re meant be doing. The thought of my BIL doing that makes my skin crawl. We aren’t particularly close either- we say hello and make small talk easily but to go from that to suddenly “caring” for me? Yeah, no thank you!

Exactly. Once you start, it is very difficult to stop.

Personally, I would say the same.

Whys it all down to him? What's the op doing and the rest of the family?

Who said it is down to him? Where did OP say that? Stop making up stuff.

He didn't want her at a meal, how disgusting is that. Inviting her out as she is still part of the family is showing support. Cutting her off now that her link to the family has passed away is a disgusting thing to do.

I was widowed young & had been married for 20 years you will probably be surprised to learn it's really common, it happened to me.
My children asked what they had done to make GP's & Aunt hate them within 6 weeks of their Dad passing.
Aunt travels to UK to do a fundraiser in her brothers memory every year for nearly 10 years - but doesn't ever even come & see his children.
It's their loss.

I would try & encourage him to be there for his brothers family

There is a huge difference in supporting someone with dementia as in physically caring for them and then there is supporting as in just popping in and spending some time with them in their hour of need.

Obviously you wouldn’t expect your dh to actually care for his SIL but he could still be a friend to her but it seems he doesn’t want that. Regardless of his grief he could still be there for her as a long term friend.

My poor mum has Alzheimer’s, it’s hell and I wouldn’t expect any of her friends to offer care support but you would be surprised just how many people back right off once they know you have dementia. My mum is 80 and her best friend of 75 years (they would see every single week up to a year or so ago) has turned her back on my dear mum even though mum still knows who she is.

I am with you op, I too would be disgusted.

He isn’t mean or disgusting, he’s processing bereavement
dementia care is physically,,mentally demanding . Carer/family do a huge amount
It is not unkind or mean to have reservations or not want to be a carer.
conversely, you don’t have to step into the care role either.
Be realistic about it. You don’t need to heroically fill a void neither does he

Without knowing what family meeting was an about it's difficult to comment about whether OP's husband is being unkind or not.

If it was my in-laws hell would freeze over before I did anything for either of them, I hate them. If something happened to DH I wouldn't even tell them as I couldn't bring myself to be polite to them.

However, if I was close to them I wouldn't cut them out but there's no way I would be doing anything that could be considered 'care'. When DM was in hospital her GP told me to make it clear there was no one to care for her otherwise I'd be expected to do it.

It’s so hard to know what people are thinking. My great aunt has huntingtons (I think that’s what it’s called) and her husband apparently used to beat her then he gave up, put her in a home in the middle of nowhere and left to go live on a tropical island, apparently with a much younger woman. And they were together since they were teenagers, with 3 kids. Married for decades.

Knowing her since they were 18 doesn't mean your DH is close to her. Siblings' relationships are often difficult as adults, let alone having a loving one with their spouses or partners.

You haven't provided any background to the relationship your DH had with them. It could have been "family superficial" without loving and deep emotional connection. It seems likely from your DH lack of real feelings.

The Op said : Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family.

Who is the we and family here? Just Op and husband? What were the things being discussed? The OP has not given those details and if the discussion was about the SIL and what happens from here on then it would have been very difficult and insensitive to have her there.

Absolutely normal behaviour. I’m a widow and there is only one relation from his side I’m still in touch with. The rare family event we are invited to me and my teenagers get ignored by them.

I'd be horrified, OP. Quite a few people here seem to have jumped to the conclusion that you expect him to take DSIL into your home and care for her, which is bizarre. Caring doesn't have to mean that, it can involve a vast range of actions. Washing his hands of her and refusing to have any further contact with her seems extraordinarily callous. I think it would make me feel very differently about him, if he was my DH. I'd want to have a conversation with him about what he'd do if I was similarly afflicted. Would he walk out on me, too?

I hope she and your DBIL have children or other family members who will be in a position to help manage her care in the coming years, otherwise she'll be very alone. What arrangements did your DBIL make for her before he died? Does someone have power of attorney so that they can assist her with health and financial affairs when/ if those things become too much for her.

Someone said your DSIL could live for another 40 years, when anyone with any experience of the condition will be aware that early-onset dementia tends to progress more rapidly, particularly if it's Alzheimer's disease, and life expectancy can be badly compromised.

I wish you luck, OP. I would be looking at my partner and thinking quite uncharitable thoughts if they responded as your husband has done.

For everyone wanging on about your DH's "obligation"- have you ever stopped to consider that she might not actually want her BIL caring for her? maybe it would make her deeply uncomfortable, maybe she'd prefer female carers, or a close friend to help and support her rather than him, maybe she'd prefer her own family to assist her.

I notice in all your self righteous frothing, you never once considered what her feelings or opinions are in this situation. But no, they should both suck it up I guess, even if neither of them want it because a stranger online says so. 🙄

i am as much a part of my SILs life (married to her brother) as she is of mine. in her late 50s and married since 18 and people are asking about "her" family? (and sure, she probably does have family, hopefully) cold.

This was going to be my question too.

I think without specifics on expectations of care and the stage of dementia involved it's anyone's guess what to think.