To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

I'm not saying it's OP's responsibility, it's not, but I wish people would read the information given to them before posting their advice.

If she has no family, then her husband should have made sure that there was care in place for her. I don't understand why the OP's husband is responsible?

And what's to stop the OP doing care if she wants to?

Exactly, seems like op is leading the charge of family (who?) with the opinion, 'We've decided she needs this, oooh aren't you awful for not doing what we think!'

Her ongoing care and well being is not his responsibility but as a family member of many years she is still a family member.

Do Social Services make any available family member, no matter what the relationship, responsible for another family member even if they only send them birthday wishes or have them over for Christmas lunch?

"Albert was invited to his niece's house for Christmas lunch and she sent him a birthday card. I know, we'll make her take him in and look after him. Job done".

You can care without being a carer. People who are carers will say it's damn hard work and you don't get outside support without jumping through hoops.

I was told to say I wasn't able to do anything for DM otherwise SS would have left it all to me. I also witnessed it with my parents, DM was DF's carer for years with no help. There was help at the start but it quickly tailed off when SS realised DM would do everything.

I feel very sorry for the husband in this. Emotionally blackmailed by his brother who then sadly dies, shamed by his wife who starts a thread on MN saying how awful he is, conveniently missing out vital parts of the story.

Sweetcherrypiee · Yesterday 18:13
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Before his death, his DB was more worried about what would happen to her and how she’d cope than himself, bless him.”

So why didn’t he make plans/provision for her?

Your husband isn’t worried. You are: maybe you can step in.

Tbh not long before he went, he said look after her please.

That's too much to ask and doesn't place him under any obligation, especially as the brother sorted nothing out himself when he had the time and knew she was not going to get better, and would in fact get much worse without him there. You need to listen to the PPs on here who have been through the hell of having (tenuous) responsibility for someone in her situation and how SS step back and leave them to deal with all the shit. If she needs more care - and it very much sounds like she does - then you checking she has food in won't cut it, and sorting out the appropriate care home, along with all the brother's and hers financials to pay for it, is going to be a huge task. Do you want to do that? I can see why he doesn't. Your BIL didn't do it for his own wife, why should your DH? It doesn't mean he wouldn't do it for you, that can't be extrapolated. I love my husband very much. My in-laws, not so much.

It seems like she's too far gone already for going to meals if she has carers in. Social services need to be more involved.

Do Social Services make any available family member, no matter what the relationship, responsible for another family member even if they only send them birthday wishes or have them over for Christmas lunch?

Yes, they do. If there is anyone even remotely in contact with the vulnerable person they will pressure you into taking responsibility for them and try to put you down as next of kin-meaning that any time there is a crisis or a hospital admission or an upsetting incident etc you will get phone calls at all hours asking you to collect them from hospital as they are ready for discharge. If you say no, they will threaten to discharge them anyway even if they are alone so then you end up feeling guilty and worried so you begrudgingly agree to take on that responsibility. I've seen it happen several times.

As I said in an earlier post- I know people who used to pop in to see their elderly neighbour on occasion and they got lumbered with social services telling them they could administer her medication daily (its fine- it would only take a minute!) and help her with shopping and be her next of kin as she had noone else etc. This was a neighbour not even a family member, and this person worked full time and had a young family so the pressure on her was immense. You have no idea how bullying SS can be if they get a whiff that there may be someone available to take on the responsibility.

caringcarer · Yesterday 21:49

donteatthedaisies0 · Yesterday 01:51

Do you trust him to look after you when you will inevitably become ill (if you are lucky you will go suddenly )?

I'd wonder this too

Theres a world of difference between caring for your life partner and caring for a relative by marriage. Especially when the supposedly loving husband has done absolutely nothing to make provision for the wife he knew had dementia. Asking his brother to “look after her” on his death bed is one hell of a liberty.

silentassassin
**
”You have no idea how bullying SS can be if they get a whiff that there may be someone available to take on the responsibility.”

No-one can be coerced against their will. “No, it’s not possible”. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

No-one can be coerced against their will. “No, it’s not possible”. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

This is a useful angle on the OP's situation. The DH is effectively saying "no it's not possible" and the OP is expecting him to do it against his will. She's disgusted, and may not actually coerce him but her emotional blackmail added to the brother's (unreasonable) dying wish will be a lot of pressure, but the DH is really only following the advice of those who've been through it.

The problem is they rely on people feeling guilty. I felt such a bitch saying to the doctor that no, I wasn't caring for DM. She looked at me as though I was evil and told me in that case she'd have to involve social services, as though it would make me change my mind.

In my case DM didn't have dementia, but she was drifting in and out of consciousness with heart and kidney failure but the doctor said she would be fit to be discharged to my care by the end of the week.

My experience is that yes, they do. They guilt and guilt and push and push and push to the point of me being in tears in their office telling them I could no longer do it and them telling me that she had no one else and phone calls all the time to guilt trip me. Can't you just. You've being doing x can you not just do y as well. She depends on you. She has no one else. ad infinitum.

Do Social Services make any available family member, no matter what the relationship, responsible for another family member even if they only send them birthday wishes or have them over for Christmas lunch?

Absolutely. It’s a fight from start to finish to get authorities to take on anything, as anyone who has been through this will tell you.

This. The person I was pushed to care for was my great uncle by marriage's sister.

Phone calls all hours of the day and night when she fell or was being admitted to hospital. Did I not know she wasn't coping she hadn't eaten. Could they do this or that or the next thing oh so sorry we have you down as NOK there's no one else she told us to ring you she says you're her niece.

Yip. This.

They actually believed her when she told them I was her niece. I had so many conversations saying I'm not her niece. I was literally nothing to her. But every time somehow my name got put down again as her niece and NOK.

Oh I agree but thats exactly why the DH in this situation needs to say NO. If he agrees to doing little bits and bobs he will end up doing everything.

As for why people agree to it- its guilt isnt it? just look at all the harsh judgements on this thread about "be kind" etc. People do it not because they want to do it but because they feel they would be a "terrible person" if they didnt.

The problem with dementia especially is that it may be fairly manageable in the beginning- you might not mind doing a bit of weekly shopping etc But, its not static- it always deteriorates and so you then get sucked into this slippery slope whereby shopping then becomes help with dressing and then it becomes visiting once a day when it used to be once a week etc Dementia is a declining cognition so the level of support required will always, always increase over time.

If he agrees to doing little bits and bobs he will end up doing everything.

Yes that's the problem isn't it-the escalation?

What does "look after her please" even mean?

Do everything necessary/help her access the care she needs?

Something in between?

Has he even got POA to sell the house choose a care home if/when necessary?

Do Social Services make any available family member, no matter what the relationship, responsible for another family member even if they only send them birthday wishes or have them over for Christmas lunch?*

Yeah they do unfortunately. Don't forget that public services like adult social care are chronically underfunded, under staffed, and our ageing population is bigger than it's ever been. Many local councils have already gone bankrupt and are in huge amounts of debt so of course they are going to try and cut costs and palm off care onto any random person if they can. It benefits them.

To be clear, I am not saying it's ok- it's absolutely not ok at all and its actually putting people at risk because not everyone is equipped or appropriate to care for vulnerable people and they make a huge deal of DBS checks for care staff (which is totally appropriate) yet don't seem to give a shit if elderly Vera's next door neighbour is a criminal and has a rap sheet as long his arm as long as he'll help her so they don't have to. Its insanity.

@silentassassin

Mum has dementia. When it comes to the point where my stepdad can’t manage, I’ll be strongly advocating for a care home. I most certainly won’t be taking on caring duties. I’m not qualified and equally importantly, I don’t want to. I shan’t feel any guilt and good luck to SS if they try that one on!

Good- stay strong! Far better to know you arent qualified to do something than agree to it out of misplaced guilt and then up resentful. I also think it's better for the person to have care from people who know what they're doing. Its very easy to hurt your back for example if you arent aware of safe lifting practices etc..

So you'd happily look after your BIL who has dementia, no matter how many decades this might be for? I don't believe that for a second. You must be a very selfish woman.

I think it's far too much to ask of him for someone not in the immediate family. Dementia care is horrific and all consuming. I'm glad he is standing up for himself.

Mum has dementia. When it comes to the point where my stepdad can’t manage, I’ll be strongly advocating for a care home. I most certainly won’t be taking on caring duties. I’m not qualified and equally importantly, I don’t want to. I shan’t feel any guilt and good luck to SS if they try that one on!

Absolutely agree with you.

Admittedly I was too far away to look after my Dad but it's not just popping in with shopping/meals & for a chat.

It's running the house.

My Dad was in a lovely care home.

He was well fed, warm & most of all safe.

You can't put a price on that!