To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

You do what you want to do and leave your DH to do what he wants to do.

But I guarantee if the SS get a sniff of you being an easy touch they'll be all over you like a rash. You've no idea what you are taking on.

Tbh not long before he went, he said look after her please.

Well it isn't your job as such but surely it's up to you to do what you want?

Is he worried that you will take on too much or that as she deteriorates you will find it hard to step back & look for alternative care?

It was a long illness he had. He had a long time to make arrangements. He had no right to ask you to do what he hadn't taken time to organise.

Maybe that makes me a hard bitch, I don't know but I can tell you life can turn on a dime - I'm disabled now, and I couldn't take on care for anyone else but I learnt a hard lesson from what happened with my mother's uncle-by-marriage's single elderly sister. I would never ever set myself up for it again and I tell my kids not to ever do it - I have made it clear that I will go into a home and not expect them to look after me.

Is she even safe to be at home on her own? It sounds like she may not be. Where is her social worker in all this?

It’s all very well him saying this but if it worried him so much he should have put long term care in place. Yet he didn’t. Did he?

its sounds like a lot of people have said the right things but not done them.

It was very unfair of your bil to ask his brother to give up his own life to care for his wife. Plans should have been made.

This is why your husband is standing back. Because people are trying to guilt him into it. I have done this twice. It’s horrific and I wouldn’t do it again

It was a long illness he had. He had a long time to make arrangements. He had no right to ask you to do what he hadn't taken time to organise

I agree. This kind of emotional plea is really not fair. Not when she is at the stage of shouting and aggression. That level of care requires proper professional help not her BIL popping in now and then. I suspect she needs a residential placement or will do very soon. Sounds like she’s not safe at home. As for the carers “not being much help” she may be telling them to get out and shouting at them. They have to respect her wishes. They can’t force her to accept help.

I'd be more angry with DB for not sorting out her care before he died. It sounds like she has nothing like what she needs and he's just dumped it on you and your husband. She obviously needs to be in a care home at this stage IMO. Is there money for her to self fund care? Does she own where she lives? There will be a huge amount to sort out and I can understand your husband not wanting it all to end up falling on him.

Also if she’s swearing shouting and being aggressive I understand why he wouldn’t want her coming to the family meal. It’s hardly very kind to bring her along so she can make an embarrassing scene with everyone gawping at her.

I'd be more angry with DB for not sorting out her care before he died. It sounds like she has nothing like what she needs and he's just dumped it on you and your husband

Exactly. I’d be raging if that was me. It doesn’t even sound like her current care package is enough for her needs and he’s just dumped this all on you on his deathbed

Yip this

Surely his life insurance will fund decent care for her? When she was diagnosed, he should have taken out life insurance if he didn’t already have it. Just in case something happened to him, so she would be cared for. Did he not bother?

What plans are in place?

I'd wonder this too.

Im just worried about her future. I will be there for her and make sure she has food in etc but my DH basically said no, it’s not my job. what if something happens to her?

Your SIL needs practical, professional help not somebody just making sure she has food in. As others have pointed out repeatedly to you if Adult Social Care get a whiff of someone doing even the most basic of things then they will back off and leave it all to you.

The best you could do for your SIL is to inform the relevant services of her current situation and step well back and let them deal with it.

Please listen to this OP! Getting food in for her wont be much use if she forgets to eat it and it goes all mouldy or forgets how to cook and undercooks something or leaves stuff out of the freezer and then gets ill, or leaves the oven on.

She clearly needs way more practical help than you popping in to deliver her food, I am a little surprised given your descriptions of her behaviour that you cant see that.

So your husband was emotionally blackmailed by his dying brother, and is now being shamed by his own wife for not going along with it?

As you've already ignored many times, if he offers support he will be shouldered with the lot!

I'm really uncomfortable that you posted this here to blame him - it must be fairly outing I'd have thought

Look up the percentage of partners who leave their wives when the wives get diagnosed with cancer. It is depressingly the majority. Given that, this attitude makes perfect sense. But it is beyond disgusting.

The men who leave their spouses when they have a life-threatening illness | Women | The Guardian

Except from that report it clearly isn't.

Not sure what you mean, @Tattletwat? My point was if the majority of partners are prepared to abandon their own other half when they were ill, it makes sense they would feel no obligation to a siblings partner.

Did you actually read the article.you linked to.

In fact it states
"If you are hoping that these are rare horror stories, there is some comfort to be had: most people – regardless of gender – do not leave their partners when they get sick. In a 2015 paper, researchers tracked 2,701 marriages using a study on health and retirement and watched what happened when someone became unwell during a marriage: only 6% of cases ended in divorce."

If you are going to use articles as evidence actually read them as no where at all it states majority.

Yes men are more likely than women to abandon their partners but most people don't abandon their partner at all.

I think you are being very unfair to him. She isn’t his responsibility, never has been, and is a grown adult. This is a matter for her own children, siblings, parents, etc. and not her husband’s brother! Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot .. would you be happy taking on a sister’s husband in such a scenario?

If you had read the OPs posts you would have been advised that this lady has no children and hardly any next of kin.

Still doesn't make her her husband's brother's responsibility.