Was I being unreasonable to say no to taking DDs friend to party?

[FlyingFleetwood]

School birthday party after school this week.
I agreed to take DDs best friend as her parents couldn't due to work. I'm very happy to do this as the mum picks up for me once a week and we help each other out in holidays and ad hoc. My DD and her DD are the best of friends and I'm friends with the mum. I'd be responsible for her as well as DD at the party.

Its not a drop off party FYI.

DDs other friends mum messages me on the morning to ask if I'm able to take her daughter as well as she is working and neither parent can come.

I politely explain I can't as I'm already taking her other friend and that I didn't feel comfortable being responsible for another child. In addition my car isn't big enough for all the car seats.

The mum said OK then and agrees.. 20 minutes later she rings me and pleads with me and says I'm already taking x and to add y won't make much difference.

I explain that it will make a difference as I need to be responsible for all of them and that's too much. As well as not having sufficient space in the back for all the car seats.

The mum explodes at me and says I'm not being fair and her DD will miss out....am I right in thinking this isn't my problem and she should've sorted her plans out weeks ago when the invitation was sent???

It is also worthy to note.. her DD has been invited to our house several times and I stopped that now as my DD has never received an invite back. The last time I suggested a meet the mum asked me to have the older siblings too!! Which I firmly said no to.

Aibu to think this is so entitled??

The mum now blanks me at the school gates as if I'm in the wrong.

Her lack of organisation doesn't make it OP's responsibility

… and then your child would have to start making his/her own way to Rainbows/gymnastics/parties etc!

When I take three (including my own) to various clubs/parties, they take it in turns to sit in the middle/front (only in the front when there is a car seat) The parents know this so can choose to ferry their own children around instead if they like. However, mine is 7 now so a little older than the OPs.

Did I say that? I was talking about the child not being punished for mother's 'lack of organisation'.

As usual, the Mumsnet approach to giving lifts or giving favours completely baffled me. It's nothing like anything I have come across in over 20 years of parenting.

With your updates she is cf. Being 4 hours late for a play date pick up would have my blood boiling alone and would be a hard no to everything after that

Couldn't she ask one of the other mums? Or were you last resort. Who is looking after the child if work commitments mean they can't take her to the party? She surely must be with someone.

If she's been for playdates you know about allergies surely. Why would a year one child kick off? Feeling sorry for her being banned from your home because the parents can't do return playdates...that's mean to the child.
The only reasonable bit is not having room in the car....I assume your car does not have an air bag that turns off in the front seat?
Some people have to work and can't get time off you don't sound very understanding.

Be honest with yourself. If this mum had asked first and you agreed, then the mum/child you obviously like then asked, would you have said yes to them?

I would take the child if she was my dcs friend. I try not to let my dislike of parents behaviour (who knows what is going on in other people lives) influence helping our for the benefit of a child, especially when it is not a big deal to help.

Basically there are two answers here. Can you take 3 children in your car safely? If the answer is no, then obviously you can't take them. If the answer is yes-then everything else is just atmospherics. You can take them-you're just being mean spirited and seeking justification for being mean spirited.

It might be legal in some circumstances for a child not to use a car seat, but that doesn’t mean it is safe.

@Merrymouse "It might be legal in some circumstances for a child not to use a car seat, but that doesn’t mean it is safe."

If it is not legal or safe then of course the OP can't give a lift. I don't understand why she also had to provide a ton of other reasons. "I'm sorry-I can't take 3 children legally or safely in my car" No more heeded to be said. So why the rest of the rigmarole.

This is not an issue you should be 'under the impression' about. Children can only safely travel without a car seat or booster when they reach a certain height, not age. I can't recall the exact height but my dd was definitely still using a booster at the age of 8 at least.

Op I would have said no on the basis of the car seats for starters but all of your reasons are valid.

@JSMill "Op I would have said no on the basis of the car seats for starters but all of your reasons are valid."

Are they? Are they really?

OP is already taking somebody else's child. That is not mean spirited at all.

@EarthlyNightshade Even more mean spirited to only take one. If it is legal and safe to take both.

People who do people favours always seem to be leaned on to do more.
I am sure there were other people going to the party who maybe were just taking their own child. What about them? Presumably also mean spirited.

IMO there is nothing mean spirited about this at all. There is a huge difference between willingly offering a lift that was organised well in advance to a good friend’s child with whom the poster has a great and reciprocal relationship, and feeling pressurised to agree to take a child whose mother left it to the last minute to organise, ignores the poster’s concerns re the safety of the children in the car; and tries to lay a guilt trip on the poster to get her to change her mind. Furthermore, this parent only has herself to blame for the poster running out of goodwill towards her when this parent has a history of:

1. exploiting the poster (turning up FOUR hours late to collect her child from a play date while she cannot be contacted;
2. Doesn’t reciprocate play dates;
3. uses emotional blackmail to try and persuade the poster to include older siblings in play dates when the poster clearly doesn’t want to do this.

There is nothing mean spirited in not wanting to continue to be guilt tripped, pressurised and exploited.

"People who do people favours always seem to be leaned on to do more."

Always such a non-mean spirited reason for negativity t doing favours!

Then don't ask other people to squeeze their child into their car at the last minute and drive them yourself.

If there's no room for someone else's 3rd child and their carseat, and I'm doing a massive favour by taking them in the first place, they WILL be in the least safe seat in my car. Someone else's poor planning or fabricated emergency doesn't mean my child's safety will be compromised in his/her own car.

Wow, the other mum is incredibly entitled, and very rude to explode at you. I understand that she may have her own challenges and frustrations with life and work, but you are not obligated to look after anyone else’s children.

Love the idea that a lift to a local party that you're going to already is a "massive favour"!

It's not just the lift though is it. It's the supervision while there. Different kids are used to different boundaries, some get a bit giddy, not all kids leave parties willingly or well... Op would have been responsible for a set of 3 for the whole shebang. She didn't want to. And for someone who has already taken the royal P... That would have been a massive favour to do that, for them.

The car seat is a valid reason and what you should have said. The rest is a bit pathetic (ok to feel like that but probably wouldn’t say it)