Was I being unreasonable to say no to taking DDs friend to party?

[FlyingFleetwood]

School birthday party after school this week.
I agreed to take DDs best friend as her parents couldn't due to work. I'm very happy to do this as the mum picks up for me once a week and we help each other out in holidays and ad hoc. My DD and her DD are the best of friends and I'm friends with the mum. I'd be responsible for her as well as DD at the party.

Its not a drop off party FYI.

DDs other friends mum messages me on the morning to ask if I'm able to take her daughter as well as she is working and neither parent can come.

I politely explain I can't as I'm already taking her other friend and that I didn't feel comfortable being responsible for another child. In addition my car isn't big enough for all the car seats.

The mum said OK then and agrees.. 20 minutes later she rings me and pleads with me and says I'm already taking x and to add y won't make much difference.

I explain that it will make a difference as I need to be responsible for all of them and that's too much. As well as not having sufficient space in the back for all the car seats.

The mum explodes at me and says I'm not being fair and her DD will miss out....am I right in thinking this isn't my problem and she should've sorted her plans out weeks ago when the invitation was sent???

It is also worthy to note.. her DD has been invited to our house several times and I stopped that now as my DD has never received an invite back. The last time I suggested a meet the mum asked me to have the older siblings too!! Which I firmly said no to.

Aibu to think this is so entitled??

The mum now blanks me at the school gates as if I'm in the wrong.

She's unreasonable to plead or be angry with you.

I struggle to see the difficulty with supervising three school age dc at a party, so I wonder if the mum felt you were making an excuse and you didn't want to take her dc for another reason?

But ultimately you don't owe her anything.

I can’t believe she rang you a second time like that. That is crackers.

Well it was in the OP so I responded to it, thanks though.

I think it would have been best to just say you can't fit three booster seats in your car, which is a perfectly reasonable reply.

The part about being able to watch two but not three children at a party sounds unconvincing (unless the third child is particularly wild), and from your introduction of the playdate issue it sounds like you had a grievance and just didn't want to help out. But the mother sounds obnoxious so maybe no harm to fall out with her.

Hmm I'm not sure I agree. The mother and father are perfectly respectable. Granted, I don't know what goes on behind closed doors but I don't think its my job to facilitate her daughters friendships. If my DD was upset about not seeing her friend at ours I'd of course carry on but even she's expressed she's not been invited over.
I feel a bit taken advantage of by this mum which is why I stood firm this time.

It sounds like yanbu but next time, don’t over explain. The car seat issue would have been plenty.
Ignore her sulking.

You have to treat a cheeky fucker the way you’d treat a cold caller. You don’t explain as any information in the explanation is fuel for further discussion.

Yes, not to self. Just keep it factual..appreciate its legal to put a car seat in the front but that's not what I wanted to do and I physically can't put three in the back so I appreciate that should've just been the straightforward reply.

I've never understood why people think the best way to deal with children being envious is to give in to it. At that sort of age mine would sometimes be envious of something the other had, but I wouldn't expect other people to make it equal. We would discuss that although x is at a party this week, you also went to a lot of parties when you were in Y1 and now you do big kid things. I also told them that the easiest way to keep everything 100% fair is to give nothing to anyone, and they were getting a lot more than that!

You know this is a CF request. Hold firm and trust your instincts.

Depends on the circs. Dd had one child round endless times for play dates, her own was never once invited back.

Eventually she asked the other mother why. Basically she said she just couldn’t be arsed.

She takes advantage of you and never returns the favour. Absolutely right that you said no. It is sad for the child, but that's not your responsibility. I imagine you aren't the only person she asked. That was potentially why she said OK by text snd then rang you later, because she had had a no from other parents too.

She is a piss taking cheeky bastard.

Absolutely wouldn't be taking this child and wouldn't be inviting her around again.

Exactly, it's crazy this other mother is expecting her daughter to be driven unsafely in a car that doesn't have enough seats for her. By the way, if you got pulled doing this OP you'd get a ticket and fine

How on earth does 'being kind' magic up room in the care?

It was entirely your prerogative to say no, and she should have respected your decision. She was being a real cf to question it, let alone complain about it.

I do see why maybe she thought you were being mean. It's safer to put kids in the back but legal to have them in the front. And supervising 3 school aged kids at a party isn't that big of a deal.

It doesn't matter though. You weren't comfortable with it and you don't have to justify that to her in the slightest. She was being extremely rude and ridiculously entitled. Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to facilitate her child's social life.

Do you think the other mum was kind to OP when she exploded at OP and also for all the times she accepted hospitality for her dd but never once invited OP’s dd?

Why should OP keep inviting her when she can prioritise friends who do reciprocate and invite dd?

I thought you were being unreasonable till I got to the part about never reciprocating playdates and asking you to have siblings as well! She’s a CF and you owe her nothing.

I would never ask for a favour from someone I had never done anything for ever, which sounds like the case here.

It wasn’t in the OP.

In cases like that I think what a cf (or a man) would say.

They would say “Sorry but I haven’t got room in my car. Hope you find another solution. “ and not give it another thought.

It’s not your job to find solutions for her dd and the other mum asked you first so you need to shrug it off (like a cf or a man ) and not worry about being kind to someone who clearly cba to be kind themselves.

If she’s a proper cf, she will ask you in the future and pretend that she didn’t blank you etc

Careful you dont put your back out with that reach. Who is "punishing" anyone?

That doesn't mean the mum isn't passed out wine drunk on the sofa most days, for example - ffs, people will write any stupid nonsense in an attempt to prove their point

She's a right CF. What happened when she asked if the the older ones could come too, did she bring them?

Did you bollock her when she picked up her kid 4hrs late?

I agree with don't give overcomplicated reasons. You never ever have to take people's children with you if you don't want (absent fixed agreements about this etc)

The other mum clearly doesn't have anyone to help her out on these things i guess, and works long hours, and may or may not have a partner to do some of it.

And while it is normal to do reciprocal play dates - this mother is clearly using them in place of proper childcare arrangements, hence picking up at 7 not 3 and trying to foist siblings on people. And i do have a certain amount of sympathy for her. But it is limited.