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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable to say no to taking DDs friend to party?

148 replies

FlyingFleetwood · 15/03/2024 12:08

School birthday party after school this week.
I agreed to take DDs best friend as her parents couldn't due to work. I'm very happy to do this as the mum picks up for me once a week and we help each other out in holidays and ad hoc. My DD and her DD are the best of friends and I'm friends with the mum. I'd be responsible for her as well as DD at the party.

Its not a drop off party FYI.

DDs other friends mum messages me on the morning to ask if I'm able to take her daughter as well as she is working and neither parent can come.

I politely explain I can't as I'm already taking her other friend and that I didn't feel comfortable being responsible for another child. In addition my car isn't big enough for all the car seats.

The mum said OK then and agrees.. 20 minutes later she rings me and pleads with me and says I'm already taking x and to add y won't make much difference.

I explain that it will make a difference as I need to be responsible for all of them and that's too much. As well as not having sufficient space in the back for all the car seats.

The mum explodes at me and says I'm not being fair and her DD will miss out....am I right in thinking this isn't my problem and she should've sorted her plans out weeks ago when the invitation was sent???

It is also worthy to note.. her DD has been invited to our house several times and I stopped that now as my DD has never received an invite back. The last time I suggested a meet the mum asked me to have the older siblings too!! Which I firmly said no to.

Aibu to think this is so entitled??

The mum now blanks me at the school gates as if I'm in the wrong.

OP posts:
AndAllOurYesterdays · 15/03/2024 12:10

If you can't safely get them all there then that's all there is too it. Like you say, not your problem

AgentProvocateur · 15/03/2024 12:10

What age are the children? It would have been the kind thing to do, but you obviously don’t think you were being unreasonable.

Hoppinggreen · 15/03/2024 12:11

Your mistake was over explaining. You dont have room for the car seats, which is a legal requirement - end of.
By talking about not "feeling comfortable" (no idea why I have taken multiple kids to a party before) you have confused things.
The other Mum has no right to be a Dick about it though, their kid missing the party is neither your fault nor responsibility

ZipZapZoom · 15/03/2024 12:11

You couldn't get all 3 there safely so everything else is irrelevant.

Just ignore her you did nothing wrong.

PurpleHiker · 15/03/2024 12:11

It's out of your hands if all the car seats won't fit, so you couldn't help even if you wanted to.

TokyoSushi · 15/03/2024 12:11

How old are the DC? Mum sounds like a CF.

I hate being asked to give lifts to parties (although I do it) because it's not 'just a lift' you're then default responsible for the child for the whole party too!

Waffleson · 15/03/2024 12:13

Yanbu but you should have just said you don't have room in the car.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 15/03/2024 12:14

AgentProvocateur · 15/03/2024 12:10

What age are the children? It would have been the kind thing to do, but you obviously don’t think you were being unreasonable.

Well she couldn't take them all safely so no, she wasn't being unreasonable

takealettermsjones · 15/03/2024 12:14

YANBU for that but I think YABU for stopping the playdates just because your daughter never receives an invite back. This was me when younger, I wasn't allowed friends round because the house/parents were not in a fit state. If my friends had stopped inviting me I would have been very lonely indeed.

Projectme · 15/03/2024 12:14

You said 'no'. You gave your reasons which are valid for you. Sounds like this other mum is being a CF.

Original poster
FlyingFleetwood · 15/03/2024 12:16

Sorry, all the kids are in Year one.
Completely understand regarding the blurring of the lines from the safety aspect and my feelings. But I'm not comfortable. Being responsible for three kids at a party is a big ask. What if one kicks off when leaving, or if one of them hurts themselves or if there are allergies. I'm comfortable doing that with a child I see every week and know very well but not the other who is comparison I only see occasionally.

OP posts:
Thementalloadisreal · 15/03/2024 12:17

Not unreasonable, she has obviously left it to the last minute / forgotten and now panicking and has made it your fault.
You’re already taking another child. You can’t safely fit them all in the car. You don’t need other reasons. Her kid is missing out on the party because she didn’t work it out in time, not because of you.

Dinoswearunderpants · 15/03/2024 12:19

I make you right. They still need supervision at that age so I don't blame you not wanting to be responsible for three children.

Original poster
FlyingFleetwood · 15/03/2024 12:21

takealettermsjones · 15/03/2024 12:14

YANBU for that but I think YABU for stopping the playdates just because your daughter never receives an invite back. This was me when younger, I wasn't allowed friends round because the house/parents were not in a fit state. If my friends had stopped inviting me I would have been very lonely indeed.

Sorry that was the case with you but that's not the case here. The house is bigger than mine and beautiful decorated.. I have seen various photos posted by the mum!

OP posts:
ScrotumGantry · 15/03/2024 12:25

You can't argue with stupid.

But if she's got 3 or more kids herself, then you saying taking 3 to a party would be too much to deal with might sound a bit pathetic. Saying you can't get 3 car seats in your car might have held more sway.

OrangeLemonLime24 · 15/03/2024 12:26

I’m going to go against the grain and say you were unreasonable. It’s not hard to keep an eye on a couple of kids at a party - especially not at school age. If it was a short journey, I’d have put one in the front with a car seat or in the middle without (which, I believe, is legal)

Her attitude at your refusal sucks, granted, but I’m always happy to do a favour as you never know when you might need it returned.

On a separate note, I host play dates way more than my DD’s friend’s parents. I don’t expect reciprocal ones. DD likes having friends over so I do it for her, not the other kid.

takealettermsjones · 15/03/2024 12:26

FlyingFleetwood · 15/03/2024 12:21

Sorry that was the case with you but that's not the case here. The house is bigger than mine and beautiful decorated.. I have seen various photos posted by the mum!

Show quote history

Okay. That doesn't mean the mum isn't passed out wine drunk on the sofa most days, for example.

Not saying that's what's happening but whatever the reason is, if your daughter enjoys the playdates, it seems strange to punish the girls for the decisions of the friend's parents.

Original poster
FlyingFleetwood · 15/03/2024 12:27

ScrotumGantry · 15/03/2024 12:25

You can't argue with stupid.

But if she's got 3 or more kids herself, then you saying taking 3 to a party would be too much to deal with might sound a bit pathetic. Saying you can't get 3 car seats in your car might have held more sway.

No sorry, don't agree. Three of your OWN kids is totally different to three kids belonging to different parents.
Boundaries are different
Dealing with behaviour is different
A multitude of things.

OP posts:
cerebuswannabe · 15/03/2024 12:29

You did the right thing OP. You can't safely take all three children. She is a CF.

NotQuiteNorma · 15/03/2024 12:31

She's being an idiot. It's not your fault she's too lazy to organise herself. Her kid missing out is on her, not you. Just saying there is no room for another car seat should have ended the conversation but if she's that much of an idiot that she starts throwing a tantrum when someone says No, then she probably won't care if her kid isn't safely restrained as long as she gets what she wants anyway.

Crumpleton · 15/03/2024 12:32

it seems strange to punish the girls for the decisions of the friend's parents.

IMO some parents will cotton on to this and use the exact words and take another person's kindness as a weakness to continue to take the piss.

Original poster
FlyingFleetwood · 15/03/2024 12:32

OrangeLemonLime24 · 15/03/2024 12:26

I’m going to go against the grain and say you were unreasonable. It’s not hard to keep an eye on a couple of kids at a party - especially not at school age. If it was a short journey, I’d have put one in the front with a car seat or in the middle without (which, I believe, is legal)

Her attitude at your refusal sucks, granted, but I’m always happy to do a favour as you never know when you might need it returned.

On a separate note, I host play dates way more than my DD’s friend’s parents. I don’t expect reciprocal ones. DD likes having friends over so I do it for her, not the other kid.

Edited

Thank you I do appreciate your perspective.
What I will say its not a short journey, the venue was in another town. I didn't want to have to put anyone in the front.

Regarding the playdates. I stopped inviting her over because of the lack of reciprocating but also because she took the pee. Perhaps I should've said in the first post but the first play date at ours I asked for a 3pm pick up. She didn't pick up until gone 7pm when she finished work. I couldn't get hold of her, all my messages were unread.

Every other time I've invited her DD over, the mum has asked me to have at least one of the older siblings as they're jealous apparently!

As a last attempt I suggested a meet up outside of the house at an activity, again, she asks me to have the older siblings.

OP posts:
RaisinforBeing · 15/03/2024 12:32

Most Y1 parties I’ve been to are drop offs, so that seems unusual. Round here lift-sharing for parties is really common, especially when the children get older & families are busier at weekends with sports / activities for siblings. I would’ve just put the other kid in the front or middle seat in a car seat and left them all at the party and enjoyed a coffee elsewhere.

NotQuiteNorma · 15/03/2024 12:33

takealettermsjones · 15/03/2024 12:26

Okay. That doesn't mean the mum isn't passed out wine drunk on the sofa most days, for example.

Not saying that's what's happening but whatever the reason is, if your daughter enjoys the playdates, it seems strange to punish the girls for the decisions of the friend's parents.

Show quote history

Not really what the topic is about though.

takealettermsjones · 15/03/2024 12:34

FlyingFleetwood · 15/03/2024 12:32

Thank you I do appreciate your perspective.
What I will say its not a short journey, the venue was in another town. I didn't want to have to put anyone in the front.

Regarding the playdates. I stopped inviting her over because of the lack of reciprocating but also because she took the pee. Perhaps I should've said in the first post but the first play date at ours I asked for a 3pm pick up. She didn't pick up until gone 7pm when she finished work. I couldn't get hold of her, all my messages were unread.

Every other time I've invited her DD over, the mum has asked me to have at least one of the older siblings as they're jealous apparently!

As a last attempt I suggested a meet up outside of the house at an activity, again, she asks me to have the older siblings.

Show quote history

Yeah that's bonkers, I'm not justifying any of that 😁