Was I being unreasonable to say no to taking DDs friend to party?

[FlyingFleetwood]

School birthday party after school this week.
I agreed to take DDs best friend as her parents couldn't due to work. I'm very happy to do this as the mum picks up for me once a week and we help each other out in holidays and ad hoc. My DD and her DD are the best of friends and I'm friends with the mum. I'd be responsible for her as well as DD at the party.

Its not a drop off party FYI.

DDs other friends mum messages me on the morning to ask if I'm able to take her daughter as well as she is working and neither parent can come.

I politely explain I can't as I'm already taking her other friend and that I didn't feel comfortable being responsible for another child. In addition my car isn't big enough for all the car seats.

The mum said OK then and agrees.. 20 minutes later she rings me and pleads with me and says I'm already taking x and to add y won't make much difference.

I explain that it will make a difference as I need to be responsible for all of them and that's too much. As well as not having sufficient space in the back for all the car seats.

The mum explodes at me and says I'm not being fair and her DD will miss out....am I right in thinking this isn't my problem and she should've sorted her plans out weeks ago when the invitation was sent???

It is also worthy to note.. her DD has been invited to our house several times and I stopped that now as my DD has never received an invite back. The last time I suggested a meet the mum asked me to have the older siblings too!! Which I firmly said no to.

Aibu to think this is so entitled??

The mum now blanks me at the school gates as if I'm in the wrong.

If you can take her I would

Yeah you gave her too much of an explanation and she’s focused on the wrong part. No room, can’t do it, can’t be helped, bye.

I also experienced the CF non reciprocating play dates bullshit. They were frequently asking other children round (usually more pally with the mum) or like my neighbour, just wanted rid of her hard work children anyway she could to anyone, then acted like you owned her a favour.

Also trying to make me take smaller siblings, who previously spent the entire time crying their mum had left them, but would get ‘bored’ without their sibling so it wasn’t fair on them to only take one.

Excuse me? That wasn't any stupid nonsense, that was my life.

I was offering an alternative perspective. It came across to me as though OP had previously stopped playdates because of no invites back, and now this - but as she later clarified, it was no invites back plus expecting to take siblings plus picking up late, etc etc. I agreed that was bonkers.

My point was, and is, that the lack of return invitations may not be the child's fault and therefore, in my view, stopping playdates that one's own child enjoys solely because of no return invitation is a bit unkind. YMMV.

No you weren't BU. I had a mum start doing this with me, but in a piss-take way (ie, once it started, me taking her kid to parties etc, she started ringing me up 5 minutes before the school gates opened to ask me if I could take her son in as she was "really tired"). I ended up just saying "no". The other parents ended up saying no to her too, because once they start taking the piss they know they can keep doing it.

I was under the impression that it is legal for a child over three to travel in the back of a car without a child car seat? If that's the case, then I think you're being very unreasonable not taking the other child.

YANBU.

Whilst it might be legal, who thinks it is worth the risk of letting a small child in a car without a car seat so they can go to a party - surely that would only be acceptable in an emergency.

She is a CF of the highest grade.

You're not being unreasonable.
The lack of planning from the other kids parents is not your responsibility.

I think we all too often allow other people's lack of planning to dominate/dictate our actions and saying 'no' to these people is fine.

YANBU. From what you've said it's no great loss she doesn't speak to you anymore. She sounds like a CF, looking to parm off her kids, and it isn't doing your child a disservice to show them that that kind of behavior is unacceptable in life.

Some people just have a cheek. At one of my kid’s parties the mum of one of their friends regularly turned up with twin siblings in tow and once it was a pool party! She was like a steam roller and despite my protestations they always seemed to end up saying and happily leaving with a party bag.

Being responsible for three kids at a party is a big ask. What if one kicks off when leaving, or if one of them hurts themselves or if there are allergies.

YABU for this ^ statement.

I am also pretty surprised there are cars that can't fit seats suitable for 3 x 5 or 6 year olds, in truth.

So I should just make a rod for my own back then due to her poor planning?

YANBU and I cannot believe the posters that say YABU!! Or you should've just put the kid in the back without a suitable car seat?! I wouldn't take a child in a car without a suitable seat for them.

What happened when she arrived 4 hours late for a play date pickup? I hope you had serious words with her for that - it would've been the last time I'd invited her child around for a play date after being FOUR HOURS late.

This woman is a total CF. It's shocking.

Nope. She’s a cf and I’d have told her to fuck right off

Just because something might be legal, it doesn’t mean it’s safe.

My car has room for 2 suitable car seats in the back, it’s a standard golf which is a common car - there’s me, DH and DD. Why on earth I would buy a much bigger and more expensive car to accommodate other peoples inability to plan I’ve no idea. I wouldn’t want my child in the front, as it’s much less safe.

You were right OP you don’t have enough space for all the car seats legally required. End of.

100% agree with you OP. Her rudeness towards you and her subsequent blanking of you says exactly what sort of a person she is. Sounds like an absolute CF. Not for asking, thats fine but to ring again to put pressure on you and to be unpleasant - that’s completely unacceptable. Well done for being strong! She knows she’s been embarrassingly inappropriate which is why she’s ignoring you now.

No room in car should I have been it

But you over explained and said couldn't cope with 3 kids at a party

Imo that was A wimp out. I've taken 3 x 4/5yrs to a party. They usually run about. You make sure they have food and drink and that's about it

What kind of party was it ?

Tho asking to have other siblings as well on a play date is her being a cheeky fucker

It sounds like you’re doing enough already 🤷‍♀️. You aren’t being unreasonable

Great that she blanks you…you don’t have to deal with her again - every cloud…

But it’s 2 kids that aren’t yours, and one who you don’t know the behaviour/any issues with food etc. They could start crying as with strange adults and then what do you do? Totally different to taking your own 3 kids

Not quite on topic, but imo it's exceptionally cheeky to 'host' a party and expect parents of the invitees to do the supervision.

She sounds annoying. What self-respecting person pleads over something this minor and tries to foist extra childcare onto you because you were generous enough to invite one of her children over?

She's in a mood now, but with any luck she'll have learnt her lesson (that you're hard-hearted and unswayed by her begging 🙄) and will leave you alone in future.

That's what I was thinking. I appreciated it when parents stayed but essentially we would be responsible for all the kids, especially any whose parents didn't stay (or were brought by someone else).