To wonder if I should say something now

[Perhapsishould]

This is a bit of a strange one but it keeps popping into my mind.

I was at university with someone who had an older boyfriend. I can now see through adult eyes that he was very controlling and was really a very sinister character but he actually appeared very nice on the surface, had a professional and well respected role.

I recently found out he has died, which had me thinking about some things. It was ages ago, over twenty years, but he told me some things which now I’m a but horrified by though I didn’t really take them in at the time.

Is it worth telling her? We aren’t close but she’s on my social media.

What is there to gain by doing so for anyone?

I suppose I feel a bit like I’d want to know, if it was me, but it also does feel (as you seem to suggest?) a bit pointless. She was married to him and had children so it’s a tragedy in many ways, I don’t know if I’d have the nerve to drop a message saying ‘by the way …’ but equally I feel like I know some uncomfortable things I shouldn’t know. That probably makes no sense!

No, leave it in the past.

No, theres no point in saying now when the man is dead.

She is a widow and has children with him.

Leave her to grieve and get on with her life.

I’m not clear. Did she marry him? Or he was just her university boyfriend, she went on to marry someone else, and you want to contact her now after her university boyfriend’s death to tell her what — that he’s dead, or that you thought he was sinister?

God no, she is already dealing with the death of her husband and father of her children. Leave her to her (hopefully) happy memories. What good would it do? She can't change anything, or ask him. All you'll be doing is adding to her misery and tainting the memories which make up the majority of her life. I met my DH many years ago at uni. If he died and someone contacted me with things that were difficult to hear I'd be (even more) broken.

Sorry, yes, she married him, had children with him.

I wasn’t thinking for a moment I’d message her to say ‘he was sinister’ but there were some things I wonder if she should know, maybe she already does, I don’t know.

But I do think people are right, it is best left. I just feel a little bit strange about it.

If you didn’t think these horrific things were worth mentioning to her then, I don’t see why you would want to now. Wouldn’t it just add to a widow’s distress?

@UnNiddeRides i regret not doing so now. But I was very young and I didn’t really fully understand the implications behind what he was telling me (and also bear in mind it was at a time when abusive relationships weren’t talked about or understood very well, especially emotional abuse.)

He's dead and there's noone to benefit from your telling her whatever it is?

Leave you feeling strange out of it. It's not about you.

You would be doing this for you, not for her.

No good can come of telling her whatever it is, it will leave her with more questions than answers.

Just leave it alone, maybe discuss it with someone entirely outwith the situation to try and wrap your head around it.

@MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana its interesting because when I did they were very much of the view she should know!

I do think probably some of it is regret for not having done the ‘right’ thing at the time but then he’d probably have lied or similar so I don’t even know it would have done any good. I think I’m feeling a bit unsettled and disturbed and feel I’ve been privy to something horrid in a strange way. I’m honestly not trying to make it about me, just trying to chew it over.

No good can come if this. What’s she going to to, divorce him?! Have him arrested? He’s dead. Whatever your feelings on the man she is grieving her husband and the father of her children. Don’t add this to her plate just to make yourself feel better, it’s selfish.

How would you feel if someone you haven't seen for twenty years suddenly messaged you to talk shit about your recently deceased husband? Would you appreciate it?

you've obviously not got anything good to tell his widow so why would you be so cruel to her.

Obviously don't say exactly what it is, but is it something along the lines of an affair, something he did to someone else, did he cut someone out of her life and she thought they abandoned her....

If its something that will explain things to her, or make her realise she wasn't at fault for X reason, then that's one thing, but if its something she can't do anything about then that's totally different and akin to just trauma dumping.

Sounds like this is more about you feeling better than helping your former friend, now acquaintance. Don't do it.

I would get in touch in a few months with "I'm sorry to hear X died, I've been thinking of you and the DC"

Leave it open for her to say anything about him revealing he was controlling etc. If she does it MAY then be appropriate to say how you've reflected and realised how sinister some of what he said back then was.

@MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana a combination of stuff but for example I found out that he’d made her think she was going to be broken into by prowling round her house when she was there alone and terrifying her and then she moved in with him. This is what I mean about being sinister.

Thanks @RandomMess thats a good way of approaching it.

Jesus Christ please don't. My worst nightmare after my DH died was the idea of finding anything out that would leave me with unanswered questions that I could never ask him – I wiped his phone almost immediately for that reason. Don't hurt her to soothe your own conscience.

Fucking hell no! Your feelings about him are totally irrelevant, and who says you’re correct in your judgement?!
She’s just lost her husband. Do you think you’ll come across well messaging her out of the blue and telling her he was a creep? I’d be livid and think you were the sinister one. You’d come across as batshit.

I definitely would not be saying ‘he was a creep’!

Thr only reason I can think of is to make yourself feel better that is not a reason to do it

Leave it be. She either knows, in which case she will be dealing with it in her own way. Or she doesn’t, which means you would be adding to and complicating her grief.

You’d be doing it to unburden yourself, not to help her. Otherwise you’d have said something long ago.