To wonder if I should say something now

[Perhapsishould]

This is a bit of a strange one but it keeps popping into my mind.

I was at university with someone who had an older boyfriend. I can now see through adult eyes that he was very controlling and was really a very sinister character but he actually appeared very nice on the surface, had a professional and well respected role.

I recently found out he has died, which had me thinking about some things. It was ages ago, over twenty years, but he told me some things which now I’m a but horrified by though I didn’t really take them in at the time.

Is it worth telling her? We aren’t close but she’s on my social media.

I'm with everyone else. If you weren't concerned enough about her 20 years ago, or at any time in the past 20 years, to tell her then keep your nose out.

How their marriage was is none of your business

How do you know how she's grieving?

But you don't know how she's feeling. You've assumed she's feeling something based on information you have, that you've never shared with her.

But how do you know that she isn't "torn apart by tragedy"?
Has she posted laughing emojis on Facebook when announcing his death?
How do you know how he has treated her over the years?
Has she told you?

Are you male or female @Perhapsishould just realised my mn bias thinks of you as a female but you could be a male pining for her? Or I also suppose a female pining for her?

It's been explained to you.

You either don't agree, so pretending you just don't get it, or you just don't care.

I’m female 😂

No, nothing has been ‘explained to me.’ I think you’ve all got your narratives and I’ve got mine.

I think you should unfriend her on Facebook immediately and leave the poor woman in peace.

Even if he was abusive to her during their marriage, hearing about this from you would be humiliating and achieve nothing.

It doesn't matter how 'nicely' you say it, all she will hear is "Jeff told me all about how he tricked you into moving in with him 20 years ago, how thick are you".

@Perhapsishould when did you last spend quality time with her?

I would want to know if i were her although I'm not sure it would surprise her

Just because you wouldn’t grieve for the person he was however many years ago doesn’t mean that she isn’t grieving for who he was now. And even if he was abusive, that still doesn’t mean she isn’t grieving for him. “Complicated grief” (which is what many people who lose an abusive spouse experience) is, in many ways, even harder and more painful. It’s offensive to suggest this could be in some way a relief for her. Only she gets to decide that – and given he’s the father of her children, I suspect it’s highly unlikely.

It has been explained. It's been explained why, even if he was abusive its still going to be distressing time for her.

If he wasn't, its still a distressing time for her.

Your assumption that she won't be bothered doesn't make sense. She had kids with him, who will be distressed. That in itself is awful for a parent.

And even if she is really happy and her kids upset isn't distressing her, there's a high probability you pointing out you knew he was abusing her and looked the other way instead of telling her before she married him IS likely to upset her. And she can't even confront him. Its likely going f to leave her confused about many things that happened since with no way of getting closure.

And for what? Cause you want to? There's no thought for her in the process.

Well yes, your narrative is that she's not going to be bothered by the death of her husband because you think he was abusive. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s what I thought. I really have been mulling over what the best thing to do is. I feel like I would want to know but equally don’t want to assume anything. Some people are just jumping down my throat for the sake of it: it’s so tedious.

Just be there for her as a friend, as someone suggested sending a nondescript message and see if she wants to be in touch.

I would say though that she will be feeling very complex emotions and tragedy may well be one of them despite the nature of the relationship - look up trauma bonding.

I also think you do need to examine your motivation to tell her: it’s not criticism or aggressive to say it’s more about you than her, however you do need recognise that.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all.

I am saying that it is possible she ‘is not bothered’ but what I think is more likely is that she has all sorts of conflicting emotions.

What I do know is that she was lied to and tricked as a very, very young person and I know this and I do not know whether I should let her know. Why that is worthy of some of these posts I don’t know.

No, we aren't. It's a hideous idea. Sadly, it seems like you're looking for that one poster to validate the harm you're weirdly keen to inflict. Congratulations, you found one.

@Perhapsishould I suspect you're probably going to do it whatever anyone here says, but I'm curious as to what you might know about this man that she doesn't, that you think she might need to know know.

What was your relationship with her husband?

But are you pining for her? How many conversations did you have with her husband where he admitted being abusive and you did nothing?

@Perhapsishould I was trapped in a very abusive relationship for years. If someone approached me 20yrs later to tell me their thoughts and give me some context, I'd think they were a a massive dick

You did nothing at the time and now feel weird about it. Opening up old wounds for her is incredibly selfish. You are incredibly selfish, you're doing this for you not her. You think she doesn't know what he was like? She was married to him, she knows a lot more than you

I really don’t think I am selfish. I am considering what is best to do, have asked on here and am taking that advice. Unpleasant remarks about me do nothing other than being unpleasant.

I don’t know what you mean by ‘pining for her.’ Are you trying to suggest some sort of unrequited love? I’m married and have young children of my own.

I am conscious I did not ‘do the right thing.’ Unsurprisingly, what I would do now, in my forties, is not what I did when I was still a teenager. My own mum had just died (that was the context of the conversation) and I had had a bit too much to drink. What he was saying and the significance of it didn’t fully sink in until much later, by which point she was unfortunately no longer part of my life. So things moved on and now she’s reappeared if you like and it got me wondering.

I must admit I am baffled by this. I accepted almost straightaway that the consensus was not to and took this on board.

Where have I said otherwise?

I haven’t, have I?

Have you been in touch/spoken to her since her DH has died?

If you haven't and think you can hold your tongue maybe start there.
I'm sure once conversation gets flowing if he was abusive towards her she can now open up and chat to you without fear of any backlash from him, if she doesn't give any sign that he was abusive accept that they lived a happy life together.

You don't/won't need to say anything, if you both wish concentrate on building back up your friendship but leave the past where it belongs.

I think I can manage to ‘hold my tongue’. I haven’t been in touch with her as this was a time before social media and the like. I had a year abroad as part of my degree. In that time, she graduated and to be honest vanished. I think she may have qualified as a teacher but it was at a different university to the one we went to. And now she’s re-emerged if you like.