To wonder if I should say something now

[Perhapsishould]

This is a bit of a strange one but it keeps popping into my mind.

I was at university with someone who had an older boyfriend. I can now see through adult eyes that he was very controlling and was really a very sinister character but he actually appeared very nice on the surface, had a professional and well respected role.

I recently found out he has died, which had me thinking about some things. It was ages ago, over twenty years, but he told me some things which now I’m a but horrified by though I didn’t really take them in at the time.

Is it worth telling her? We aren’t close but she’s on my social media.

You keep saying it isn't about you. So is it about her then? You care so much that you want to talk to her about this 20 years down the line?

Anyway - just in case anyone is wondering still I have said several times that I’m not going to do anything. Her messaging me brought back some memories and remembering as an adult jolted me a bit and I wondered if I should do anything. I’m not convinced this makes me the fount of all evil that some posters seem to think I am but I do think the thread is going to run and run, that posters will keep presenting their own benign version of events and that is a bit worrying … you can think it’s unreasonable to say anything but I am a bit disturbed by how many insisting that I’ve made this up, that this was a nice man wronged in some way by me

Final post

Possum, all I can say is I would want to know. I’ve found things out after my parents have died, some good some bad, but they all help to explain and put events into context. Sometimes the truth isn’t palatable and sometimes I do feel that things are best left: I sometimes wonder that about people finding out their siblings or parents are not related by blood or something equivalent, especially if they are quite elderly when it comes out. But for the most part we do seem to think the truth, even if the truth isn’t great, is better than the alternative.

But I accept these circumstances are different. And it most probably is best left.

I think that naturally you are seeing this as the one big important thing you know aabout their relationship. And other people are pointing out that this, however disturbing, is an event in the context of a 30 year relationship that led to children, a relationship that you know little about having been out of contact with her for 20+ years. If he were alive then she would have a choice about what to do with the information- but now she is dead she has no choice. It would potentially be a huge grenade going off and you cannot be certain that the fall out would be positive or helpful for her or her bereaved children.

There you go again. Your only evidence that he did this was one conversation 20 years ago during which you were drunk, and which didn’t strike you as frightening enough at the time to act on.

I think it’s at least as likely that he was making it all up to frighten you than that he decided to spill all his dastardly deeds, while stone cold sober, to someone he had no reason to think wouldn’t go straight to tell his girlfriend, thereby wrecking his grand plan (which is nearly as wacky as those caretakers in Scooby Doo who dress up as ghosts to keep people away from old fairgrounds, until unmasked by Scooby, Shaggy and co).

You have erected your idea that this was an abusive marriage solely on this memory, plus the age gap. It’s pretty flimsy ‘evidence’.

OP - I’m with you. I also think it’s something that she might want to know.

however, I would say not now. Maybe she never clicked he was abusive , but I’d agree that he’s probably been a controlling man for years.

i think you maybe need to re connect with her in some way and see what she says.

If she was happy with him- say nothing. If it turns out she wasn’t she MAY want to hear this.

I had an abusive ex and personally I’d want to know that he had been gaslighting me.

but I’d wait a while before thinking of saying something

Leave her alone.
Either she knows,and always has done. Or didn't know and can do nothing about it now.
She was his wife.
I'm not really sure where you fit into all this.but you sure as hell have no right to be telling tales about her late husband.
You kept quiet back then. You should keep quiet now.
Your desire to offload any of his past wrongs is actually quite weird.
What's your motive? What do you want to gain from telling her anything?
The more I think about this.
the more I think that you are unhinged if you think to tell her is the right thing to do.
Step away from this poor woman.leave her alone.none of this is your business.

No way of getting in touch? Yet she seems to have found you online easily enough.

I wouldn’t tell her, what’s the point of doing it now, it won’t change anything, she won’t be able to get his side of the story so may not even believe you, he may also have been lying or exaggerating

Are you trying to ease your own consciousness? Or are you shit stirring