To wonder if I should say something now

[Perhapsishould]

This is a bit of a strange one but it keeps popping into my mind.

I was at university with someone who had an older boyfriend. I can now see through adult eyes that he was very controlling and was really a very sinister character but he actually appeared very nice on the surface, had a professional and well respected role.

I recently found out he has died, which had me thinking about some things. It was ages ago, over twenty years, but he told me some things which now I’m a but horrified by though I didn’t really take them in at the time.

Is it worth telling her? We aren’t close but she’s on my social media.

That is awful, and I can see why you're struggling with it.

However her knowing this now won't bring her anything good, she will question everything and never be able to get an answer.

It's probably 'nicer' to let her think she had a prowler and her husband protected her.

Thanks @mam

If they weren't worth mentioning in life they are not worth mentioning in death. The ONLY thing you will do is make yourself feel better whilst potentially crushing someone else to get there.

You chose to not tell her these things for twenty years because your assessment of the risk to you was greater than your desire to give her information she could have used to change her life.
Now he's dead you want to tell her because can safely unburden yourself and feel better about yourself without the consequences that kept you silent when he was alive.

It's always been about what's easier and best for you, not a genuine desire to help her.

If she didn't need to know more than you needed to stay out of the firing line when he was alive then she doesn't need to know now he's dead.

@IncompleteSenten - I wasn’t actually in touch with her for ages, it’s only recently she’s come on social media (and I do think it is possible that is because he has died.)

At the time, I was 19, a bit drunk, dealing with my own stuff and the significance of what he was saying didn’t really go in although I’ve never quite forgotten it.

Of course you shouldn’t tell her. That’d be selfish of you because it would only be about you, relieve your guilt / knowledge. There’s no need. Move on.

Speaking from my own perspective, as someone who had a relationship with a much older and violently coercive (now dead) man in my early 20s, I would say no, don't pitch in and tell someone you aren't even close to that you've been thinking about old conversations you had about their now-dead ex and you've realised he was an arsehole.

What on earth do you think it would achieve? She already knows what he was like; she doesn't need you to validate that. She probably doesn't even think about your existence from one day to the next, let alone conversations you had about her abusive boyfriend when you were at uni.

I think your wish to contact her is actually about you, and your urge to get this stuff of your chest, not about helping your friend.

And in what way do you think she will benefit from you mentioning this now that he's dead?

Dear God leave the widow in peace. This isn't an unsolved murder or a bigamy marriage.

Why do you want to pull her life out from under her? Hasn't she suffered enough?

FFS she's lost her husband.
I've been there. It's awful. I cannot imagine how I would have felt if someone I'd not seen for years came along and said oo I didn't like him because he did XYZ.
The way your post reads...
She's not a friend, she's someone in your Facebook list. You've not seen her in a long time. You weren't there for her when he died. Whatever he said or did is in the past.
What on earth do you expect to gain from this?
You've stayed away from her for years. No reason for that to change now.

He's dead. Nothing can be done about it now so it serves no purpose.

If she was in an abusive relationship,maybe she has no found peace as it's over.

To disrupt that, where there is nothing to gain, would be unfair.

Give yourself comfort from the fact thst you would have done better at the time if you had the capacity to do so.

It's over.

I think I’m feeling a bit unsettled and disturbed and feel I’ve been privy to something horrid in a strange way.

This is all about you and how you feel. Think of her and just stay quiet and leave it in the past.

I wouldn’t say anything. They were together a long time, I’m sure she would have a very good idea of what he was like.

This!

The guy is dead, the woman is a Widows, the children are devastated, and along comes you "he was sinister "

Just what do you aim to achieve aside from "I feel like I should have told her"? what is her gain from you relieving your guilt? Nothing, she gains nothing. Her husbands still dead, but now she has an old uni acquaintance talking shit about her dead husband....

Are you seriously wondering if you should contact a grieving widow to tell her some grim gossip about her husband from a few decades ago?

Is the answer not obvious to you?

Why don’t you just let her know you’ve just heard her news and ask if she’s alright? See if she’s open to a new relationship with you and see if things open up organically over time. That’s not the sort of thing you blurt out at once but allow to happen very, very naturally as though she knows already. (She probably does.)

I think at this late stage she either knows he was 'sinister' or doesn't find him to be so. She wasn't a child when they got together was she?
Either way to bring up the fact you consider in hindsight that her recently deceased husband is a pervy wrong un might do significantly more harm than good.

You’re making his death all about you. Bizarre!

This post nails it.

you’re making this all about you, and it shouldn’t be.

You made it none of your business then so it should be none of your business now.

No why would you do that ?
She's been widowed and I assume she and her children are grieving
Regardless of how you felt about him why would you try and upset her?

You would be doing something that makes a new widow feel shit and you feel better (for some reason). I think you maybe should examine why you want to be so unpleasant to somebody you are barely acquainted with. I honestly cannot even fathom your motive, this is one of the strangest things I have read.

I agree with this. And you don’t know if she knows/ realises about these things by now.
I would mention it in a personal conversation regarding these situations e.g if you were talking about a particular situation, and she said that she couldn’t still understand it and you would say : actually he used to do this so maybe why...
But to message her now: By the way do you know that your deceased husband used to show me intimate photos of you and him in 2001 ?
Hope you see the difference.

@Picklestop My motives may be misguided but my intention isn’t to be cruel.

I get the uneasy impression she was in a very abusive relationship and I wondered if it might help her to have some things put into context.

But that’s your assumption. She might have been very happily married, especially if they shared children.