To wonder if I should say something now

[Perhapsishould]

This is a bit of a strange one but it keeps popping into my mind.

I was at university with someone who had an older boyfriend. I can now see through adult eyes that he was very controlling and was really a very sinister character but he actually appeared very nice on the surface, had a professional and well respected role.

I recently found out he has died, which had me thinking about some things. It was ages ago, over twenty years, but he told me some things which now I’m a but horrified by though I didn’t really take them in at the time.

Is it worth telling her? We aren’t close but she’s on my social media.

Did he die recently ish, if so just for peace of mine maybe send her a message of condolence and take things from there.

Then your first contact in 2 decades is..
'Hey so sad about your husband.....anyway.... he told me once when I was drunk 20 years ago that he was being an arse to you.. wanna catch up?'

Omg please leave this woman alone. She made her choices and they are none of your business, whatever 'wisdom' you think you have in your later years that's made a drama of your younger years 🙄

Honestly if I was her I'd tell you to fuck off

Yes recently. Thank you.

@TinkerTiger that’s why I asked here. I honestly don’t get why some of you are being so aggressive with me. I think it’s a valid question. I know I would want to know. I also know she is not me.

@Perhapsishould I think this is the issue. You're making it about you, no matter how you phrase it.

I would be angry with someone who did NOTHING back then but now they feel some guilt or are going through some self-discovery want to make themselves feel better.

You were young back then so it's understandable why you did nothing. But keep it undone. Don't bring it all back up for her now. I'm talking from personal experience.

The last thing she needs right now is someone from her past turning up to bring up some shit that either she was fine with, or accepted wasn't right but chose to deal with it in HER own way.

Leave it be.

Out of interest, are you in a relationship with a partner of over 20 years, have children with them? If they died, and a friend called you up out the blue to say he was a sinister manipulator, how do you think you would you feel about that? Would you really want to hear it?

If she knows he was a creep and has had a bad marriage then your comments may make her feel even worse and embarrassed. I'm not sure it will make her feel better to have an outsider confirm how awful he was.

She may also feel angry and bitter that she could have been saved from this (not that I blame you for staying quiet).

If she has had a lovely happy marriage then your comments could completely throw her off course and make her second guess all her happy memories.

I suppose either way I don't see how this could benefit her which tbh is the only thing that matters.

You could possibly validate her feelings, people in abusive relationships often have no outlet

Thats not what I was (note the last tense: I have accepted I am BU) suggesting I do.

If someone had lied to me I would want the truth. If someone had deceived me I would want the correct version. If someone had tricked me I would want to be put straight. But that is me.

Thanks @PeonyFlush72 for a balanced response.

She’s not in an abusive relationship. She’s a widow with two kids. Do you not think life’s probably hard enough for her without someone she’s had no contact with for 20 years stirring the pot?

No she isn’t in fact

I can't understand why you don't see that your idea was selfish.

Have you ever heard the phrase "don't shoot the messenger"?

In any case, you had a convo with him 20 years ago where he revealed himself to be a creep. You've neither seen nor spoken to them since. You can't possibly have a sense that she was in an abusive relationship.

How on earth do you think she'd have reacted if you'd gone ahead with telling her.

• Oh gosh, I had no idea. Thank goodness you've made me see that the husband I knew wasn't who he said he was.
• Wow, really? You bitch. Why didn't you tell me. You could have saved me and the children from a life of unhappiness.
• I don't believe you. Why would you make something like that up?
• I always thought there was something fishy about that prowler story. Don't feel bad about not telling me - we had many happy years.
• yes, he confessed on our wedding night. We'd put it behind us but you bringing it up now has brought it all back.

Etc etc

None of this would bring any happiness to her. You risked causing more pain to a grieving widow. Don't try to justify this.

Absolutely not.

Presumably this is from quite a long time ago, so it's old news.

Also, she liked him enough to marry him and have children with him. So I can only figure he wasn't "that bad".

The man is dead, so what are you hoping to achieve? She's not going to leave him now he's dead, is she? Leave this WELL ALONE. You'll only cause a grieving widow even more pain.

As an aside, I learnt something very sad and awful about my own dad (completely accidentally) very soon (talking days here) after his death (nothing illegal or anything like that). Did I tell my mum? NO. Because I knew it would hurt her immensely for no purpose.
I did tell my uncle (my dads brother) who was there with us. Because I had to say it to someone. We met up afterwards, and both decided we'd take it to our graves. There's no reason to burden other people with pain unnecessarily.

It’s definitely a mistake to have posted as to be honest these comments are really upsetting. I’m not selfish or any of these really spiteful comments and I don’t deserve any of them.

She isn’t what?

I can absolutely see why the thought crossed your mind, it's great that you've accepted it wouldn't be the best course of action too.

MN is literally supposed to be a sounding board to get opinions, and that's what you've done and are sticking by the consensus on here.

Not all of us have perfect trains of thought in these heavy situations op, don't beat yourself up about your thought process 💐

I think you are getting such strong reactions isn't because posters are meaning to be agressive, but because what you were thinking of doing is a pretty horrific prospect. You've had one or two posters agreeing with you that they'd like to know, but the vast majority (96% at this point) think you should keep quiet.

I know you're not going to do it, and I don't think you were meaning to cause harm to the woman in question, but I don't think you've taken on board just how strongly people feel about it and how out of step with the majority you are with your POV on this one.

Edited: just seen the last update that you're upset about the responses OP, I don't want to / mean to cause you any more upset with this post

Surely, rather than pouting, the fact that about 97% of people not only think you shouldn't, but have pointed out what an utterly bizarre and tonedeaf thing this would be to do to someone who is a virtual stranger and recently bereaved, off the back of a single drunken conversation decades ago, should be making you think?

How would telling her he manipulated her into moving in with him, which consequently led to marriage, kids and however many years together be helpful? He's already gone so it won't be pushing her into leaving an abusive situation. She'll just have anger she can't direct anywhere and probably some conflicting emotions about how much she loves her children, while also considering the fact they were only born because he was like that!
None of that head fuck is worth it when he's already dead.

Well think of how she would feel if you approach her.

Thank you. That’s exactly what it was. I have no idea why long after I’ve accepted it is best left people are endlessly coming on to tell me what an awful person I am

No one is pouting. I am simply aware I have information that isn’t really mine to have if you like.

Wondering whether to do anything with this information does not make me selfish.

Bubble - all I can say is I would want to know.

That is not me saying I will do anything with that information. But I would want to know, to understand and to process.

It was a bit of a moral dilemma. I do think some posters just like to give others a hard time (I don’t mean you) and some of the reactions roaring that I’m selfish (for asking a question ) are ridiculous.

Even if she was in an abusive relationship, she isn’t now. I agree with others that there is nothing to be gained anymore by telling her. If she was in an abusive relationship and she knew ‘what he was like’, she will still be grieving the change in the life and the fact that her children have lost, and need to grow up without, their father which is a huge part of being widowed.

I think you need to forgive yourself for not telling her all those years ago. You were very young and some sorts of abuse weren’t understood/discussed back then, so it’s understandable that you didn’t realise the full repercussions until much later.