To wonder if I should say something now

[Perhapsishould]

This is a bit of a strange one but it keeps popping into my mind.

I was at university with someone who had an older boyfriend. I can now see through adult eyes that he was very controlling and was really a very sinister character but he actually appeared very nice on the surface, had a professional and well respected role.

I recently found out he has died, which had me thinking about some things. It was ages ago, over twenty years, but he told me some things which now I’m a but horrified by though I didn’t really take them in at the time.

Is it worth telling her? We aren’t close but she’s on my social media.

No, definitely not. Leave this woman alone. She's enough to cope with, without you possibly unsettling her more. Sleeping dogs should be left to lie.

You haven't seen her for 20 years ,you have no.idea if her relationship was abusive or not
I have no idea, why you think it would be a good idea tell a grieving widow that you think her dh ,who you also haven't seen for 20 was abusive and sinister that's just cruel.

I get the uneasy impression she was in a very abusive relationship and I wondered if it might help her to have some things put into context

Since you haven't had contact with her you're making an assumption. She's possibly been very happily married for all these years & is devastated by losing the love of her life

I cant believe saying anything to her is something you're considering. That's a horrible thing to do. For one thing if you did she then has to live with only your version of events because she can't ask him. You could potentially do her untold damage by altering her opinion of her husband and their marriage.

You should have spoken out at the time. You didnt. Leave the poor woman alone.

i am sorry but I fail to see how you could not be doing this, being fully aware of how cruel this is.

He convinced her she was being broken into? You knew it was him and at the time didn’t think it was a big deal?

He is dead. Let’s say he was abusive. Her feelings about him being dead will be really difficult. She will probably be devastated and a bit relieved. Which makes her fell guilty. She might feel free but also miss him. She might feel happy but distressed because of how sad her kids are. You popping in with ‘also he did xyz that I didn’t bother tell you about but thought you should know now he is dead. I appreciate if you had all the information you may not have married him. But I feel you should know now. So I am pushing that into you’

If he wasn’t abusive and did some weird shit then realised he was doing weird shit and got his act together and was lovely husband, how cruel would it be to take that away from her? While she is grieving her husband, supporting her kids you turn up just to tell her how awful he was decades ago.

How is any of that not cruel and how can you fail to see it?

Don't blow-up someone's life to ease your own guilt. She can't do anything with this information, can't ask him about anything or have any way to even confirm it is true. It would be incredibly cruel and selfish to do this and the friend who has encouraged you to tell her is clearly more interested in the drama.

Keep your beak out

It's been 20 years since you last saw her, she doesn't need you to put things in context for her. Any issues she had she has dealt with without you. Shit stirring to alleviate your own guilt is nothing but selfish

Took the words right out of my mouth. Leave the poor woman in peace. Nothing good could possibly come of telling her.

Just no.

There's no way to say "you know your dead husband you bad the kids are grieving? Well 30 years ago he manipulated you into moving in by pretending to be a burglar!"
What do you want her to do? Think she lived a lie?

She's already got the context. She lived with the man for over twenty years and had children with him. I'd be very surprised if you'd be telling her anything she didn't already know. Perhaps she was happy, perhaps he changed or perhaps he was embellishing a story to a young, impressionable and drunk teenager (have you considered any of that). If you haven't been in contact with her since she married over twenty years ago how on earth do you know she was in an abusive relationship?

If you've never known the crushing reality of widowhood you could not possibly understand how unimaginably awful it would be to be told your recently dead husband, the man you spent most of your adult life with, was basically a monster. In any event, that is only your opinion which you formed long ago when you were barely an adult. You know nothing about these people.

what a strange person you are

I don't know. In essence you are going to say:
"Hey, I knew yonks ago that you were in a bad place, and I knew it but did nothing, but I am going to tell you now because it is on my mind and I want it off my mind"

Personally I would NOT want to know.

I may be projecting. When I was a student I got depressed. I got better. Then one of my flatmates said cheerily:
"Oh cooroocoocoo you look much better in yourself. I could see you were down. Glad you are better"
I could have punched her. She had seen that I was down and she didn't say anything. Someone to talk to would have helped.
So, from my experience, and it is mine only, I wouldn't want to come and tell me that you could have helped but decided not to.

What makes you think she doesn't actually know about these "sinister goings on"?
Maybe he confessed. Maybe he overexaggerated to you.
Why on earth would you contact someone you haven't seen for years and spill your guts about something her late husband once told you?
The poor woman has lost her husband and the father of her children ffs
Just leave it alone

I honestly think my motives have been misinterpreted here.

If she was in an abusive relationship - and I do think this was the case - then knowing how things actually are / were could be helpful. Of they might not. That’s why I asked here. But I do find it a bit weird people are acting like this is an absolute tragedy she is definitely destroyed by when I’ve shared a bit about who he was and what he did.

Do you think you know better than her what kind of relationship she was in? You're coming across has having a bit of a white knight saviour complex but you're over 20 years too late to make any difference to the situation.

But you're talking about a conversation with him you had when you were drunk and 19!!
You've not had contact for over 20 years but you know what's really gone on in their marriage?
Bizarre!

God no to both.

Maybe you don’t mean to but some of you are sounding really aggressive about a situation I’m just feeling a bit unsure about.

I might have been drunk and 19: he was sober and mid thirties.

It's breathtakingly arrogant to think you know about her relationship more than she does. FFS, you have barely interacted with her for 20 years.

What 'situation'? When did you actually last see her?

I don’t think that at all. Not for a second.

But I know what he did, because he told me.

I don't mean to sound aggressive but you're not listening. She was married to this man for twenty years, and she knows exactly who and what he was. What do you really think you can bring to the table after all this time?

OK, so you accept you don't know more about her relationship than she does.

What makes you believe your opinion from 20 years ago is valid now? How can you profess she was "definitely destroyed" by the lifetime partner she had two children with?

And, even if there is merit in what you say, what business is it of your's two decades later?

I a listening. I will not say a word. I’m just a bit alarmed really by how many seem to think that this man’s death is a tragedy she is torn apart by when I’ve indicated what he did, which was petrify a young girl in order to get her to move in with him.

*am, sorry, typo.