To leave my job and become a SAHM? Stupid move ????

[Summerstarsarepink]

The nursery fees have risen . They now are or more than way my wages .

DH and I are constantly tired from Full time work and running around dropping off and collecting and then sorting dinner / running the house .

Children are 8 months and 19 months.
I feel exhausted. Plus I don’t enjoy my job.

Yes in the future we will be eligible for free funding but for the next year it is going to be very expensive.

I’m wondering if I should take the baby out of nursery ( 8 months) . Then Change my son from full Time to three mornings ( when he is 2 he will be eligible for some funding. Which will cover this )

Then - just have a few years with the children. Enjoy them. Enjoy being at home . Not run around like a blue arse fly constantly stressed from work .

I’ve always worried if I stop my career it will be a huge mistake but to be honest I’m just worried I’ll miss my children grow up and my career will always be there ! I say career - I am teacher and I hate it !!!!
I’d like to retrain but once the children are older I think I will be able to do this.

DH just wants me to be happy. Nursery costs more than my wage. AIBU to just take. Few years out and enjoy my children ?

Side note - I by no way think being a SAHM is easy !

lots of posters here saying "go for it i did and it's great" but none of the DCs are school age yet.

Any input from people who have come out of the other side?

Do it. I had an extended maternity leave when my two were little because I didn't earn enough to have two in nursery (I'm a social worker) They're 10 and 12 now.

I look back very fondly on those early years and am grateful I could spend it with them.

I agree.

OP I do empathise but the run ragged stage will not be forever.

I don't agree with giving up financial independence in any situation because of the things I have seen first hand.

If it goes well great but if issues come up in the relationship and one person is financially dependent on the other the person tends to stay when they otherwise wouldn't.

Also as a teacher you might 'walk back in' to a job but who is to say it will be the one that you want and the one that will lead to career progression that you want?

Sadly I have seen women fall behind in their career progression due to pregnancy sickness absence, mat leave, going part time after kids. That is NOT ok but it is reality. So I wouldn't recommend a career break to be a SAHM.

@iLovee

Sounds like you are a bit bitter to be honest. You do you and let other people live their lives the way they want to too!

Accusing people of being “bitter” because they don’t agree with you is pathetic. This hoary old chestnut is always wheeled out whenever someone points out the risks of financial dependence. It’s as if anyone who works is automatically envious of anyone who doesn’t work which is patently not the case.

How can you even know enough about this poster to know if she’s bitter? You are just assuming.

The OP specifically invited advice on this anyway so people are giving their perspectives. That’s how a discussion thread works.

In my experience, the mums who gave up work ended up needing to go back full time when the kids were a bit older, as it's hard to find a part time job. The ones who stuck with their jobs, working 3 or 4 days+ ended up being able to agree school hours, or whatever suited, when the kids were school age.

My kids barely remember their nursery years. I don't think it's worth sacrificing a career for that short period, if it's going to cost you later.

But, in your circumstances, where you hate your job anyway, I can see the temptation.

That's me. I have come out the other side and I wouldn't do it again - I was honest about this earlier in the thread but my experiences were somewhat denounced as pathetic. I was just being honest.

It's not a value judgement either way, for me. I don't think it pays to pretend that there are no benefits to the kids + family in having a parent at home, but neither is it honest to say that those benefits always - or even mostly - come without a personal sacrifice for the person doing it. Looking at where I am in my life now my kids are teenagers, would I make the same sacrifice again? No. I wouldn't. I working fairly successfully but I have felt the lack of a good chunk of skills and experience that I would have built during those years when I was at home, and I'm old enough to know that I won't get the same opportunity to build them again. I'm not talking about money either, I'm talking about my potential to do things.

She has not said anything, unless I have missed it, about any discussion on who will take on the domestic burden at weekends etc. The change in dynamic is as important as the financial consequences.

What does the age of the children have to do with it?

Im genuinely not being goady…..I just can’t work out what point you’re trying to make?

My kids are now at university. I have sahm friends who are also now empty nesters. They have always said that they loved being home. I have thus been so surprised that recently two have expressed resentment that they gave up work and supported their husbands’ careers and now they are behind in their own career pathway. They are now having regrets. One couple is sadly getting divorced this year, and worried about her finances. I have been shocked as they had such good lives it seemed.

On balance work is overall good for mental health and that is supported by research. Unless work is the sole cause of poor MH of course. The benefits of work go beyond financial, especially for women.

Luckily, my kids see the value of establishing careers and would not give up work if they have kids in the future. That is what they say currently, but who knows I guess. My kids have seen both of us do childcare, laundry, cooking and drop-offs. We are a truly equal partnership. I am so close to them and they are proud of what I have achieved.

Me - I went back to work when my youngest DC started school, they're all teens now. I don't regret those years at home, although I do think I took a bit of a risk. I was lucky that it worked out ok and I went back into a good professional job.

You do know this is a debate board yes? The OP invited opinion. She was not hunted down and force-fed views. She seems capable of tolerating a discussion. Why aren’t you?

And the way women are seen and treated in the workplace has an effect on us all.

The relationship between women staying home and the effect of the patriarchy is researched and discussed in circles everywhere. ‘You do you’ makes you sound a bit silly really.

If you don’t like your job then I would definitely look for another job but PT, before giving it up completely.
Maybe have some time off in between.

I lost my job and had to rely on benefits for a while, so a completely different scenario but my experience was that it was obviously a lot easier at first because you have a lot more free time and can focus on the kids. But after a while I really struggled with not having my own identity and ‘just being a mum’.

I know quite a few women who don’t want to/can’t work but are very envious of their DH’s lifestyle and it can cause issues, so it’s worth having a break and then trying PT to try and get the best of both worlds first of all.

Do it, I never regretted the time I spent with my kids... although it did take me a few years to get my career back on track, as a teacher you won't have a problem and can tutor if need be. Have fun

they gave up work and supported their husbands’ careers...

Or is it that they just wanted to give up work and SAH so any support for their husbands' careers was incidental?

I do see that quite often on here the "gave up work to support DH's career..." as if their career wouldn't have flourished anyway.

really? you can't see how someone who has been a SAHM for 15 years might be able to give really useful perspective on what it's like at that stage? over someone who's been doing it for 18 months?

FWIW mine are mid 20s now. I hated being at home with children for the most part and have never ever made a secret of that here or elsewhere. My own children know that being a SAHP was not for me, and have no issues around that. I worked FT, my DH worked FT we paid a shit ton of money for childcare (not in UK school is... short days here) until they could take care of themselves. Holidays were a nightmare of him 2 weeks, me 2 weeks and forking out for Unacompanied Minor tickets to my parents for the rest. But that part was over within about 5 years or so (sometimes my mum came to us) and at the end of it we are all fine.

But if you've been doing it for 18 months your experience is more useful at this stage in how you made the decision, what the pitfalls you considered were etc etc.

I think do it OP, seems like it’s best for you, your family and your finances.

Yes it could be partly incidental for some (not all though) . I think the resentment has been gradual. Years of feeling a bit taken for granted and then suddenly kids leaving home, the perimenopause hitting and these bright women thinking wtf.

But men benefit massively from not having to give childcare or domestic tasks a second thought, so of course they can focus better on their careers.

i really do see the benefit for some families - if the decision is arrived at together and with no pressure from either side - for one partner to SAH and the other to be the breadwinner.

I also really see the value of having a foot in both camps (for both partners) and both cutting down hours, but having a reduced workload and increased being at homeload.

I don't think that growing up in a loving home with parents who are (mostly) fulfilled and doing what they think is best/right for their family and themselves is ever bad for children: however that family arranges things.

Growing up my mum supported my dad in his job 100%, but she also kept up her trade by mostly working part-time, because realistically army wives have limited opportunity and back then our dads were away 6 months of the year. She's 83 now and says while it wasn't the path she would have chosen, she is happy with how it went. My dad, btw, was brilliant with us and did a lot of things at home that other dads didn't.

All families are different - and my hope would be that each partner is supporting the other to make the right decisions, and yes compromises too, for the family. And don't forget, when you have pre-schoolers it is different from primary, secondary etc etc. So you need not only to decide together at the start, you need to keep revisiting what is best for your family and for you as family members.

You are in an insane situation. Take a career break of at least a year. Enjoy your children. You can return to work when things are easier. You and your children will benefit. As regards worrying about career progression, as a teacher unless you are planning on becoming a department head or something very soon is is it a big issue? Pension conts? yes, possible issue especially if you are likely to separate, but no one would bother having kids if everything always came down to money.

The tutor idea is a hood one and could offer some flexibility.

Keep your job, your career, its a life saver. You will be glad when they are in secondary school. You don't want to be the mum who facilitates her husbands great career while she is at home, until a few years later has to turn a blind eye if things turn sour.

I don’t think OP is planning to stay home until her DC are teens! At present she had 2 under 2 and childcare costs come to more than her earnings. It’s not really to facilitate her husband’s career but rather that she’s burnt out. I’m not sure why OP has already gone back rather than taking the full year off.

I'd be looking at going 2 days a week. In the 3 days off, spend time with the kids and build up a tutoring business with the aim of dropping the school days as it grows?

why is it never suggested that both parents take a step back to cover childcare. Two parents on 0.7 WTE is better than one wage, it builds resilience should one be made redundant or lose their job, and means both stay in touch with their careers.

It would make loads of sense if both parents were on the exact same wage! And probably the same job! In OP’s case it probably doesn’t.

When there are 2 of you earning, I don't get why it's "nursery is more than my wage".

If DH earns "double", as OP said, then it should only be 1/3 of the childcare that's being compared to her salary, not all of it.

So after her share of childcare, OP still has ~£1,200 left of her salary - that's nearly as much as a lot of people start with.

some families have joint finances and some not. I'm assuming OP does, and in this case she's merely talking about the net difference to their joint income.

If they had separate finances, with him earning double her salary, I'd expect him to contribute 2/3 to the childcare costs, which would leave her with more in that respect (but would expect her to cover 1/3 of everything else which may leave her in negatave income depending how high their costs are)

I don't see why it wouldn't make some sense in OP's case?

From a tax perspective alone it could make a lot of sense. Her DH is almost certainly a higher-rate taxpayer if he earns double a teacher's full time salary.

Then there's the (potential) loss of child benefit which may also be negated by him reducing his hours/salary.

I can see a lot of sense in both reducing hours instead of him picking up the full burden of keeping them all.