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Original poster

DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

343 replies

Ope0p · 14/03/2024 19:55

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

OP posts:
BruFord · 14/03/2024 22:27

Haven’t RTFT. Is he leaving his entire estate to you, OP? If so, his request makes sense as he clearly wants any money he has to benefit all his children via you.

If you can’t be their guardian, it might make more sense to make a separate financial provision in his Will for his older children

ToDamp0rNotToDamp · 14/03/2024 22:31

This was a sad read. But nonetheless to try and answer the OP’s question, surely you say something like

”I think that is a discussion you need to have with the children’s mother so you both agree before you ask anyone about guardianship. You may well find that if you were both to pass away she would prefer her parents or even your parents become guardians”

Scarletttulips · 14/03/2024 22:31

I think it’s incredibly sad OP that you feel that little for your step children that in the terrible event they suddenly ended up with no parents you would not be interested in being the guardian

Wonder why woman feel guilty tripped all the time?

If both parents died she’s not an automatic choice anyway - XW sisters/brothers aunts - DH brothers sisters uncles cousins - would all be blood relatives.

Its nothing to do with OP she didn’t bring the children into the world and she would be open to keeping a relationship with her own child.

Stop the heart strings - sudden single mother with extra mouths to feed plus dealing with emotions and estates and wills - not OPs responsibility.

beAsensible1 · 14/03/2024 22:33

Of course you should tell him. He shouldn’t put you down and definitely needs to know so he can make proper arrangements for himself and for them. Poor kids.

DreamTheMoors · 14/03/2024 22:33

I always think of Superman actor Christopher Reeve, who broke his neck, and his wife Dana Reeve.
Reeve had 2 older children but shared one child with Dana, a boy named Will.
After Chris died in 2002 from complications due to his injuries and Dana died in 2006 from breast cancer, Will lived with family friends.
I can’t think of a more heartbreaking situation for a little kid.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 14/03/2024 22:34

I agree, @Scarletttulips - the worst scene scenario is surely bereaved children feeling unwelcome or under supported? We are only human, it’s good to be practical and consider whether someone else would do a better job.

have you considered what you would want to happen if your own DC were orphaned, @Ope0p? Would you want the ex to take your kids?

Yousay55 · 14/03/2024 22:34

If the grandparents can’t take care of them for whatever reason, I can’t imagine how you could say you wouldn’t without hurting your dh.

LadyLapsang · 14/03/2024 22:36

What would you be willing to do for your stepchildren in the unlikely and tragic event both their parents died? I do know someone brought up by her grandmother after her mother’s death. It is a lot to ask of a woman in her 70s / 80s after she has lost her own child. Think very carefully.

AxolotlEars · 14/03/2024 22:36

Even if he put it in his will you don't have to do it. The best thing is that your husband and the children's mum get legal advice

Dullardmullard · 14/03/2024 22:38

Wait you’re allowed to leave kids in wills I thought that was against the law.

that aside they have a mother she might have other plans

in fact the exes need to have a chat here to be honest as she might not like his plan at all and vice versa

Dibbydoos · 14/03/2024 22:40

You are married to him so they are your kids too. What's so difficult to.understand?

Seriously hate this step child isn't mine rubbish. They're your childrens siblings, so theyre yours end of.

Tryingmybestadhd · 14/03/2024 22:42

I can’t understand it as I would do that in the heartbeat if both parents were gone . I would never separate siblings . And before anyone asks I’m a step mum

beAsensible1 · 14/03/2024 22:42

Desertislandparadise · 14/03/2024 21:28

To split siblings apart after already losing both parents is cold hearted in the extreme. I really can't understand the thinking or feeling behind it.

Sounds like Cinderella levels of evil stepmother tbh. If I were the DH, I would want to know. I would also want to end the relationship

Cinderellas step mother still Let her live in the house with them.

Tryingmybestadhd · 14/03/2024 22:43

Dibbydoos · 14/03/2024 22:40

You are married to him so they are your kids too. What's so difficult to.understand?

Seriously hate this step child isn't mine rubbish. They're your childrens siblings, so theyre yours end of.

Thankfully someone else go sees it the same way as me . Off course if the mum was around they would be the mums responsibility but if something was to happen I would 100% step up . I would never separate siblings

Velvian · 14/03/2024 22:45

You can't refuse @Ope0p . Well of course you can, but I think it will seriously damage your marriage. Your step children are at an age when what remains of their childhood will absolutely fly by.

SandyY2K · 14/03/2024 22:47

His kids aren't property to will in that sense.. and this is something that both parents, him and his ex with need to agree on in the first place.

Doesn't his ex have other family? Siblings?

Has he even discussed this with her?

tennesseewhiskey1 · 14/03/2024 22:50

Yikes - I mean of course tell him the honest truth but also, prepare for your relationship to change a little bit. These are his KIDS you’re taking about. Doesn’t sound good Op

Elphamouche · 14/03/2024 22:52

I just don’t get this. Me and my friend were talking about this, if something happened to them we would bring up each others kids no questions asked.

Yet people wouldn’t take on their own step kids? Get out of the marriage.

MumblesParty · 14/03/2024 22:55

This is a very strange thread, because really OP, it’s not his sole decision to make. His ex may have siblings, parents, aunts/uncles, cousins etc who know and love the kids, and would definitely want to look after them. Why is your DH assuming they’ll just relinquish care of the children to their stepmother?

So to answer your question, I don’t think you need to break it to your DH that you’re not keen. You just need to tell him that he needs to have a conversation with his ex about it.

Dullardmullard · 14/03/2024 22:55

Dibbydoos · 14/03/2024 22:40

You are married to him so they are your kids too. What's so difficult to.understand?

Seriously hate this step child isn't mine rubbish. They're your childrens siblings, so theyre yours end of.

Your first part isn’t true unless she’s adopted them.

samarrange · 14/03/2024 22:55

Apologies is this is crass, but if push actually came to shove in this situation, it wouldn't matter too much what was in his will. Nobody can force you to become their guardian, DH can't "bequeath" that onto you, he can only say that that's what he would like. You could back out, pleading whatever reasoning you are currently using, or something else. He and his ex won't be around to be disappointed that you let them down.

So you could just say yes and cross that bridge (or not) if by some very unlikely chance you come to it. If it did happen you might find that you did want to take up the guardianship (your own DC might not need/want the extra upheaval otherwise), at which point you would be glad he did name you in the will.

Also let's say one of them does die, bringing the clause a step closer. At that point the world will look very different. If DH dies first then his ex will presumably become a sole parent (or if she has a new DP, they may adopt the kids). If the ex dies first then DH will become the sole parent and he might suggest that you adopt his kids. None of that will be easy, but it will bring DH to revise his will anyway.

Putting it another way, if you say no you are pretty much guaranteeing that you will create all kinds of doubt in DH's mind about your relationship with his DC. If you say yes you are taking a very small risk about having to have some difficult conversations at some future point.

SuperstarDeejay · 14/03/2024 22:57

I wouldn't poke the bear on this one! The chances of them both dying (her first) in what's left of these kids' childhood is so ridiculously remote. And even if it did happen, once they were gone you could choose differently. Nobody can force you to do something just because someone willed it.

lanadelgrey · 14/03/2024 22:59

Haven’t rtft but you and your DH need to discuss likelihood of you being last one standing and also once that has been broached gently suggest that he has conversation with his ex and also his parents re what would be best/possible for stepkids were he to die. He can’t stipulate what adults will do about kids after he dies - a good solicitor will explain this to him. A will is about money ie the estate and simpler the better all round. The important thing is that the children have a chance to maintain relationship with each other. If he leaves money and they are underage, who might be trustee of any money until it goes to them.
Thinking about making wills is emotive but they are a source of mess, pain and chaos if too much emotion goes into their actual stipulations. You should take chance to do yours at same time. And when he begins the process you can gently steer him away from rash stipulations. Realistically you and he are more likely to meet an untimely end together than he and his ex as you are more likely to be in the same place at the same time.

crockofshite · 14/03/2024 23:03

Just say yes. It'll never happen.

theduchessofspork · 14/03/2024 23:03

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 14/03/2024 20:00

There is just no humanity anymore.

I think it’s incredibly sad OP that you feel that little for your step children that in the terrible event they suddenly ended up with no parents you would not be interested in being the guardian.

Yes… I mean the thought doesn’t need to fill you with joy, but unless there are other factors, it’s fairly shit not to be able to put yourself out for a couple of years in the incredibly unlikely event both your partner and x total themselves, especially as there are grandparents around to help out. I am a stepparent and it does come with SOME responsibilities.