DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

It is very unlikely both their parents will die in the next few years, OP. Usually situations like this arise when the parents are both killed in a plane or car crash, obviously travelling together, but this is hardly going to be your DH and his ex, I think.

I'd agree, knowing it's not going to happen.

This. Really sad

So… assuming you don’t want any money left to you in his will either? Or are too happy to take money just not orphans?

Bet you’d pocket the money if he had a life insurance policy designed to cover you taking them on though.

The chances of this happening are so small. And are over in 10 years time.

Honestly, would I want to have 2 extra children that weren’t mine, on my own? Actually no. But I wouldn’t have had a child with someone that I didn’t love enough to take on the tiny risk of having to do it, for them.

Honestly? I don't think there is a way. This could well come as such a shock to him it will rock your marriage. You and he are not on the same page about something absolutely fundamental. He thinks he could trust you to care for his DC as your own, and you wouldn't want to. I'm not saying you're right or wrong by the way, just that your hopes of 'gently' putting him straight and business as usual may be very optimistic. So you've two choices really. Say nothing as it's highly unlikely you'll be called to honour his wishes, or say no and risk him viewing you and the marriage in a different light.

I do wonder OP how do you treat them on a daily basis? I mean they’re kids, and god forbid something so so traumatic happened to them. I cannot believe you would say No. I know I’ve only just commented but I’m in shock. Do you realise the affect it’d have on your own kids?

This 100%

If I was your DH I would definitely think differently about you if you said no to what he is asking

Not necessarily a LTB situation but my respect for my partner would change if they came out and said no in the scenario you have mentioned, assuming this is where both parents have died

It doesn’t matter what your husband writes in a will. With both parents dead the courts will always endevour to place the kids with their natural family as much as possible. We had this a while ago - DC passed away suddenly and her husband committed suicide but despite both kids being left to me and DH in their wills the court decided to place them with an uncle they’d never met as he was a ‘closer’ blood relative.

So, so sad for those children

Mum's illness tragic but can be explained

I don't know how a child could be expected to survive knowing their stepfather wouldn't care for them

I think you are refreshingly honest.

The chances of it happening are slim, but the reality of taking on two traumatised bereaved pre/ teens is not going to be a walk in the park. You’d be bereaved too, and have your own children to support - it’s not going to be a lot of fun.

Having said that, I’d tell DH that of course his kids would be welcome. And I’d hope it would never happen and if it did I’d be supported by the social services to make a decision that was in the best interests of the kids, which is probably grandparents before me.

he doesn’t need to know your reservations.

Why did you marry a man with children, OP? Either you're willing to be a step-parent or you aren't. If not, you should have been up front with him before marriage.

Can only think we're maybe missing something. Is your DH abusive? Do the kids have a disability and require specialist care? Are you disabled yourself? Are you depressed and feeling overwhelmed?

I really hope you have some sort of reason, I'm losing my faith in humanity here...

The husband and his wife dying is a red herring here.

It’s what the OP is saying that is important. Because she is essentially saying that she’d rather her DSC weren’t around. That in the event of anything happening to their mother she wouldn’t want them living with her full-time, and that in the event of their father’s death she would rather see them taken into care.

Even if he doesn’t die, it’s an awful attitude to have, and I personally would be ending the relationship

I’m in my best friend’s will as the guardian of her children if something happens to her. She is a single mum with no involvement from the dad, so there isn’t another parent. If something does happen, then I’m up.
I never even considered saying no. Why would I? What difference does an extra couple kids make, especially when her life insurance would cover their costs and her kids and my kids are all around the age of 10-12 so they’ll be teenagers soon. Not like I’m going to be stuck with 2 toddlers.

Your husband will have life insurance, so there won’t be an additional financial impact. You know the kids. They are your children’s siblings. Why would you say no? I don’t understand people.

You need to tell your DH.

However, what you have said would likely be a dealbreaker. Except if he is also a dick and you are well matched.

Surely this is a joint decision between the parents? Both parents need to know (and agree) what provisions are being made for their joint children.
Posters frothing about separating siblings, what about if the ex has children with a new partner, they would also be half-siblings so why should THEY be separated because op had been designated the guardian?

What @JennyMule said. The children don’t have to live with the guardian, but it’s the guardian who decides who they should best live with. Our DCs have two of our siblings as joint guardians in our will, because the grandparents are much older. They might still decide the children should live with grandparents (assuming GPs agreed of course) or with a different sibling.

Thing is, if the Op were to be guardian to these children that would mean that their mother is already dead and they were living with her and her DH full-time.

In fact the OP needs to realise that if anything ever happens to the mother then these children will be living there full-time.

And now what the OP is proposing is that if her husband dies, those children, who by then will be living there full-time should be thrown out of their home.

No. There’s no justification for that. If the OP doesn’t want step children she shouldn’t be married o someone with children. Because those children could come to live there at any time.

Your DH needs to discuss this with his Ex. They need to make a mutual decision on appointing guardians for their minor children. He/they can ask you, but not insist that you take it on. Are there other more suitable candidates? Would you be more comfortable if there were joint guardians? I take it that your DH understands that you wouldn’t take up any guardianship role while your DSC have a live parent, ie their DM?

How would you feel if you had money for extra support (eg housekeeper, cleaner, babysitter, tutor)? If it's the sheer burden of looking after kids on your own you could say, yes but it's dependent on life insurance (and or pension provision that pays for dependents) to make it work.

I think if you tell your husband that you wouldn't be willing for him to entrust you with caring for two of the most precious people in his life, in the event that those people lose both their parents before the age of 18, that might change how he sees you for the rest of your marriage and co-parenting time.

Perhaps, rather than a blanket 'no', you could discuss with him to see a) if it's something their mum would also want, b) who he could consider as joint or back-up options (eg grandparents), and c) what supports you might need in that situation as a bereaved spouse looking after bereaved children. If you absolutely, categorically, not-under-any-circumstances will not do it, then you need to tell him that, despite the potential consequences for your marriage, so that he can make plans accordingly.

Bloody hell, I’m surprised at how shocked I feel reading these posts. I must be unusual but I’d take on any kids in the family if the poor things ended up being orphaned and I could provide the best life for them in terms of love and security. I find your stance extremely odd how you are focusing entirely on how you might be affected and nothing at all about what might be best for the kids that have (hypothetically) lost both parents. I agree you need to be honest with your DH but be prepared for him to look at you differently. I wouldn’t be able to forgive my DH for it.

OP

Let him write whatever he wants in his will and say nothing. It will have no legal standing - you can't "leave" / bequest children as you would an asset.
In the unlikely event something happened to both the parents, you would just refuse to be their guardian, you can't be forced in any way.
You could just say to the grandparents/ whatever other relatives at the time that you changed your mind/ were just shattered by DH's death / etc / etc.

It's not up to him to name you as guardian. If he dies, his kids will go to the other parent with parental responsibility i.e. his ex wife. It's then up to her what to put in her will. She may or may nor nominate you.

If she dies first, though, he could well nominate you in his will, as he'll be the remaining parent. But I'm not sure you need to be worrying about that scenario just yet.

This! Although I think it’s pretty heartless of you to not be willing to take them on if they lost both parents.

It’s incredibly unlikely that the scenario will occur.
But basically, yes, if i were your husband I would want you to bring up all 4 of my children together. I know it’s a big ask, but I would feel pretty hurt and let down if you didn’t want to.