Ex partner who treated me badly....do I go to Mum's funeral?

[chocolateaddict231]

Hi all,

This is a tricky one and a sad situation. My partner and I were on and off for a number of years...... he wasn't great to me. Even as recently as last weekend, he was in touch being pretty shitty to me. I have been in counselling over this man and just yesterday, I told friends I needed to harden myself about him. I then blocked him on all social media.

This morning he texted me to tell me his Mum had passed away. I tried to phone him but his phone is off, I sent a message saying I was really sorry and I'd do anything I could.

After our history, this feels like cruel timing. My mental health has suffered due to him. I want to be kind to his brothers and him but I think it would feel awkward/fake to be there. It also might lead me back to him, which I cannot do anymore.

AIBU to stay strong and just stay away? (He may not even want me there, I'm just thinking ahead)

My advice is block him on everything.
Continue with therapy. This really isn't healthy. I remember your previous threads now.
Light a candle or something for her.

You block him on socials and then he texts you to say his mum has passed away? Are you absolutely sure that he is telling the truth and not pulling some sick move to reel you back in?

I wouldn't go. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. The woman you liked is dead. The man you dislike is alive, so avoid it all. No further contact.

I can’t understand why you’d want to go or think you need to. It’s your abusive ex’s mother you haven’t seen in 2 years. He’s not a friend you need to support, and you didn’t continue to have a separate relationship with his mum after you split. You sent a kind message, leave it at that.

Did she know you have had to have therapy?

I would mark in your own way and not go to the funeral. Does the funeral director have a page you can leave a message/donation/light virtual candle on (can do it anonymously)?

This. The funeral is about the person, not various assorted others. If you want to attend the funeral, then just do. If not, then just don’t.🙄

You shouldn’t be on and off. You should be off. That’s it.

It’s sad his mum died. But you said he was being pretty horrible to you before that. If his mum hadn’t died he would still be being awful to you.

He isn’t bothered about how much damage he is doing to you the rest of time. He isn’t bothered that he is doing awful things to you all the time. You can’t be his support while in therapy to deal with the damage he has caused.

You are an ex. This is a woman you knew 2 years ago, only because of her son who is awful. How many years did you actually have regular contact with her?

You need to block him. You can’t heal while you are still in contact with him.

Would be incredibly bizarre if you chose to support him through his grief. Really really strange OP. Just block him, he's an ex why are you engaging.

do the right thing BY YOU- if inclined a "family"sympathy card suffices.
NO contact is for your own peace of mind. Stick at it-change your no or block him

No I definitely wouldn’t go.

I wouldn’t want to take anything away from the funeral and I would worry that going somewhere as an ex, may have people focusing on you and your relationship and maybe feeling awkward, rather than focusing on the person who died.

If you are close to the rest of the family then I would send a card to them to say sorry for their loss.

Did his mum mean anything to you personally? If she did then you should go for yourself, if not I’d send a card to the most senior member of the family (is his dad still alive?) address the comments to this person and family and leave it at that. Your Ex isn’t your responsibility but it’s polite to send a card.

So he abused you but you’re worried what his family think of you… what do they think of HIS behaviour?

also no. Don’t go. No. Don’t be there for him. No. He’s not a friend. No. Don’t care about his family or what they think.

also I have actually been in this exact situation and did go to the funeral - it was awkward, gave the ex some weird feeling of closeness to me and his family thought we were going to get back together. He thought that because I came I was still under his thumb. And because it was a funeral, I didn’t feel like I could push him away/reject him because he might make a scene and then everyone would think I had come to cause problems.

no no no no. Don’t do it. Cut off and move on.

His not your friend, no one I know has friends that hurls abuse at them.

No you don’t need to go . You weren’t present in his mother’s life and you are no longer in your exes life. You said you’d be there for a friend but he isn’t your friend . He’s an ex who is treating you badly
You’ve offered your sympathy, don’t get dragged in to anything else and stay away . No one will think badly of you and if they do - so what ?

Don't go, no good can come of it.

"I want to make sure I do the right thing by everyone now."

Do the right thing by YOURSELF first!!!!

Why worry about a bunch of other people who are only connected to you by an ex who has treated you badly? You are in therapy because of him!

Why worry about whether you will "look bad" to his family. Who cares what these unconnected people think. It's what you think that matters.

You don't owe the family of your ex a damn thing.
They are in your past now and so it doesn't matter what they think. You don't have to try to please them.
Kindly, I really doubt they are thinking about anything other than their mum.

I can understand that you want to do the right thing...and that the mum was nice, but you split up two years ago and haven't seen her since.

I can appreciate that perhaps you haven't been to many funerals and are not sure what to expect.
If its a great big whole village thing, then turning up at the back unnoticed and slipping away may not be inappropriate. If its a small family thing with about 20-30 mourners, it would be probably very inappropriate.

Not going isn't a disrespect to her. You started your post by saying you ought to protect yourself by staying away.. So that is what you should do.
Send a nice condolences card instead. No one can accuse you of anything then. If they were even thinking of doing that to begin with.
Also you are not obliged to provide solace for your ex. He has his whole family to do that.
Its sad that a nice woman you liked has gone, but there's nothing you can do about that, you need to think more about yourself and your own future.

You have been posting about this 'relationship' for a very long time. It is not a healthy one.

In fact, you were in almost this exact situation this time last year, with his sister's funeral....

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4785763-attend-funeral-of-exes-family-member

What decision did you make then, and how did it work out?

I decided not to go to that one, we were in a worse place that time. It was the correct decision at the time.

I had spent a lot of today kidding myself things were better between us and I should be the bigger person. It's good to be kind etc but I have sat in counselling talking about how i'm so soft to this man for a long time. It was get confusing for all involved. His Mum sent a card when my family member died and I will now send a card. I get wrapped up in thinking I should 'help' him but he only really reaches out when he has a family issues/life emergency

He’s not a friend, he’s a man who was shitty to you.

I despair, why don’t women have basic boundaries in place?!

"I should be the bigger person."

Why? You escaped from a man who apparently was very unkind to you.

Being nice to someone who was mean to you, an ex, is probably just giving them another opportunity to be mean to you again. He's an ex for a reason.

Spend less time thinking about his life and his issues and focusing more on what you want to do with your own life going forward.

I note that you feel you made the correct decision not to go to his sister's funeral, so it shouldn't cause any upset if you do the same again.

He asked if he could call me in the morning. Last year when his sister got sick I got pulled back in and started to 'look after him'. It feels like an awful time to show I'm pulling away from him.

oh fgs

🙄

get a hobby, go travelling, join a dating site

something. anything op.

late thirties. what a life

He is your ex.

"My mental health has suffered due to him."
and according to previous posts you haven't seen him for two years.
You have been sympathetic - what more do you owe him?.

If your mental health is going to suffer by being drawn back into his issues, then you definitely should pull away from him.

I can't remember seeing one post saying it was a good idea to reconnect with him

But all of this "pulling away" talk sounds like you have decided to keep in contact with him again.

It sounds like you are seeing a counsellor for help with this, perhaps you should consider discussing this with them before contacting him.

Op, you can’t get over what he has done while supporting him.

and let’s be honest, all this ‘I should be the bigger person’ is rubbish. It’s you finding an excuse to not move on. Happens a lot in abusive relationships . I am not judging.

But you have used his dead sister and now his dead mother as an excuse to maintain contact under the guise of kindness. Therapy won’t help you at the moment. It’s not a magic bullet. Sitting there for an hour doesn’t fix anything when you are engaging in the same behaviour and spending time with someone who abused you.

I suspect, his family believe the relationship was entirely toxic and that you couldn’t let each other go and it was upsetting for everyone.