Ex partner who treated me badly....do I go to Mum's funeral?

[chocolateaddict231]

Hi all,

This is a tricky one and a sad situation. My partner and I were on and off for a number of years...... he wasn't great to me. Even as recently as last weekend, he was in touch being pretty shitty to me. I have been in counselling over this man and just yesterday, I told friends I needed to harden myself about him. I then blocked him on all social media.

This morning he texted me to tell me his Mum had passed away. I tried to phone him but his phone is off, I sent a message saying I was really sorry and I'd do anything I could.

After our history, this feels like cruel timing. My mental health has suffered due to him. I want to be kind to his brothers and him but I think it would feel awkward/fake to be there. It also might lead me back to him, which I cannot do anymore.

AIBU to stay strong and just stay away? (He may not even want me there, I'm just thinking ahead)

Quite. You’re a mug, OP. I’m sorry.

I was with my ex DP for over 4 years, he never introduced me to a single member of his family, (I suspect this was to do with him dragging his heels on getting his divorce sorted out) I found this very hurtful, like I wasn't important enough to him. When he told me his mum had died (this was 4 years in) I told him to fuck off out of my flat and not bother me until he'd gotten over it, why should I give a shit about someone I'd never met. What I'm trying to say is that I was happy to not offer support to a normal, non abusive boyfriend whose mum had died, then you really aren't obligated to offer support to a man who's required you to seek counselling.

Why do you need to go...

Yeah, I am trying to suck it up. He's cost me a fortune in counselling but I don't think his family knew our toxicness, in fact his Mum was very welcoming when we would 'try again'.

The thought of blocking/ignoring after a family death feels like a horrible thing to do

You remembered her, you thought of her. That’s all you need to do.

please don’t contact your ex again, he’ll pull you back in to damage you again

think about it in terms of how much extra you need to spend in therapy to undo the harm he’ll inflict on you

this is literally the example you need for the saying “don’t go throwing good money after bad”

stay strong. Stay with us, don’t text him again.

You owe him nothing.

He’s not your friend

friends don’t treat people like you the way he did.

Just ignore? Block? Explain? I feel horrible considering these options

OK I'll say it. Stop taking responsibility for how he feels and start looking after yourself!

You are much too enmeshed with him. Yes, it's hard to lose a parent it happens to almost all of us. He is your ex; you need to completely separate yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally from him and move on. He will grieve as we all do, and he will move on. It's time to concentrate on YOU and what you want in life. Block and move on.

This is stupid of me but I keep thinking of him throwing back at me 'you ignored me when my Mum died'.

He is the Ex, move on.
His family his friends - not yours.
Move on.

He is the Ex for a reason.

If he does throw it in your face you can then explain why but if he has a history of playing the victim he will twist it no matter what. You might go to the funeral and in a month he will be mourning and lonely and expect you to drop everything again. Send a card if that makes you feel better.

For goodness sake block him. You’re reading something that isn’t there into his contacting you.
Or get back with him and put up with the abuse.
And don’t go to the funeral or you’ll be attention seeking.

Why would you care 🤷🏼‍♀️. He’s supposedly your ex?

So what if he turns it back at you? He’s been so awful he should expect it!

You know what OP, do it, go, fawn all over him, undo the good that the counselling might have done (at great expense to you).
Because you know, and now we know, you’re never going to make the break. Reading this thread has been soooooo frustrating because you came asking for advice and you have received fantastic advice and support. But it is very clear that you are absolutely addicted to this a^%!hole and you will go back for more. Meanwhile the years ? creep by and you will have wasted your life on someone who doesn’t deserve it. What exactly was the point of this post when you clearly have no intention of listening?

He won't do that if you block him completely as you won't have to speak to him ever again.

Do not go you need to look after yourself

Send a card/ light a candle if you wish

Delete his contact information and remain blocked from him. Everywhere! He is not good for you. He does not need you to help him with his grief he has moved on. His family have completely moved on too.

Go back to counselling. Learn to love yourself and concentrate on yourself.

Mums and families will do those things. my cousin was in a toxic relationship. On and off. We were always welcoming when his girlfriend came to things. Because if we didn’t we knew he would fall out with the family. It would drive them together.

Parents have been young too. We do what we think is best in the long run.

You wouldn’t be abandoning him. Because you aren’t his girlfriend or his friend. You are his ex. If you were actually planning on cutting contact he wouldn’t get have to there anything back at you.

the money in counselling is wasted because you aren’t actually taking the actions to stop yourself being in this situation.

OP

You are a very vulnerable woman. This is not healthy, in fact it’s downright peculiar. I would be very interested to hear your ex’s side of the story.

And i suspect OP…. if you do rock up at this funeral, his siblings and friends will inwardly (and between themselves) groan.

Just leave this man and his family alone. And sort yourself out

the only sensible sentence you make

this is stupid of me.

other posters

i think the Op is now just attention seeking

this is a desperately lonely woman

How will he throw it back at you? You’ve blocked him! You’re desperate to go to this funeral, you’re desperate to see him again and you’re desperate to start a relationship with him again…..really, what is the point of all these posts? You’re not listening to anyone….