Ex partner who treated me badly....do I go to Mum's funeral?

[chocolateaddict231]

Hi all,

This is a tricky one and a sad situation. My partner and I were on and off for a number of years...... he wasn't great to me. Even as recently as last weekend, he was in touch being pretty shitty to me. I have been in counselling over this man and just yesterday, I told friends I needed to harden myself about him. I then blocked him on all social media.

This morning he texted me to tell me his Mum had passed away. I tried to phone him but his phone is off, I sent a message saying I was really sorry and I'd do anything I could.

After our history, this feels like cruel timing. My mental health has suffered due to him. I want to be kind to his brothers and him but I think it would feel awkward/fake to be there. It also might lead me back to him, which I cannot do anymore.

AIBU to stay strong and just stay away? (He may not even want me there, I'm just thinking ahead)

I tend to agree.

We’re now in 2024! If you want to be kind to his brothers send them a message of condolences. Stay away from the funeral you’re an ex and clearly not on great terms. You don’t have a nice enough relationship where you could be there to support him through this so why would you even think about it.

Are people not taught how to deal with relationships? This is so obvious.
Do not go. She was your ex's mother
Do not try to contact your ex. Unless you are happy with the way you have wasted life on him, in which case, fill your boots!

OP you are inside the situation so maybe you can't see it as clearly as those outside but you are wasting your life and emotional energy on this man. You can be free and over him but you NEED to stop contacting him. It's over. Don't go running when he calls. Get back into therapy.

He’s an ex you never have to speak to him again so what does that matter? Let him say what he wants but it won’t be to you

As I said I was more than happy to kick my bf out of my flat and give him space (actually ignore him) for 6 months when his mum died and he was a decent, caring person. The circumstances were different as I'd never met the woman. This man has cost you money in counselling, he must be a nasty bastard who doesn't deserve an ounce of your support. And if he's an ex he won't have the opportunity to throw it back at you as you're not seeing him again.

but you didn’t

you texted and tried to call

the truth is what you hold on to here. You’ve behaved authentically and kindly

thats absolutely fine and it’s also enough

you’re not in his life anymore and for good reason

if you ever heard him say anything like that (you wouldn’t) you have your reply

i contacted you to offer condolences but I’m not your gf and I’m not a part of your life anymore

This! ⬆️

Steer well clear & stop all contact with him. It's sad that his mum has died but you owe him nothing & it doesn't change anything.

So what if he does? You're his EX!

You're never going to be in his life again so why do you care what he or his family/friends think of you? He treated you VERY BADLY. If you feel the need, tell people that. But really I'd just cut all ties & move on. Stop torturing yourself.

You. Owe. Him. Nothing.

He has had some tragedy in life. He has other friends. It's not your job to fix him.

Don't get sucked back in. This ex is not your friend. You don't help all the people in the world. Just those that matter to you. He is not one of them

This. Go if you like, sit at the back and leave quietly but immediately the service is over. Walk away. Turn your phone off.

How will he do that when you're never going to speak to him ever again?

People should offer support to their friends but not their abusers.

Do not get sucked back in with any of his business, block him on all platforms. You are in therapy because of him, read that back to yourself. No one puts themselves through that sort of stress for fun.

Look up co dependency.

Definitely do not go. The miserable circle you were in could start all over again. Light a candle at the time of her funeral to pay your respects, send peaceful thoughts to the family. But keep him blocked and start making a good future for yourself. You owe him nothing.

You seem to be looking for opportunities to reconnect with this man. Don't. Everything else is a red herring.

Don’t go. Keep away from this ex as well.

Avoid, delete, block. Avoid, delete, block.

Move on. Do not get embroiled in his dramas.

You can not heal while you keep letting him in or throwing yourself at him.

At this point I think you’re acting a drip like this so you have an ‘excuse’ to contact him again. You're addicted to whatever the fucked up thing was that you had with him.

You need to pull yourself together.

I haven't RTFT

Stop messaging and block him on EVERYTHING

Stop any and all contact

You know he's bad for you

You know he's treated you like shit

You've (maybe subconsciously) opened yourself up to him again - stop

Block and move on

But why would he do this if you have cut off communication. He's an ex and an unfriendly one, why would you be in touch?

This ^^

He does not need an ex, someone he abused, to help him mourn his mother.

I think you have been treated badly OP and this has left you extremely vulnerable, and you deserve kindness and compassion but the more you post, the more it appears that you are desperately looking for an excuse to get back into his life again.

" I keep thinking of him throwing back at me 'you ignored me when my Mum died'."

You are hoping someone on here will agree. Which will give you an excuse to rush back in the hope that this will suddenly transform him into a nice person.
But I haven't seen anyone that has thought that was a good idea.

Everyone has been repeating that you are his ex for several years, he was nasty and has cost you a fortune in therapy. You haven't even seen his mum in this time.

If he did throw that comment back at you it would be a bloody cheek. And if you did block him and move on, he wouldn't be able to say anything.
Why do you think an Ex that he has had no respect for, that he has been so unkind to, is the only person who can comfort him in his grief?

He has a large family, enough people around him to help him. Help yourself instead and stay away from him.

So what if you did ignore him when his mum died? He's an ex who treated you so badly your mh suffered! Why do you think you owe him anything?Why aren't you more important to yourself than this? You don't owe your kindness to someone who's treated you so badly.

I take on board the comments and I take on board that I might just be looking for his attention. I actually spent the morning wondering if I was the narcissist in this situation so I'm really trying to understand my own feelings around wanting to help

and the navel gazing continues

let me guess, he hasn’t returned your calls or messages from yesterday?

* I take on board that I might just be looking for his attention.*

and ours