Ex partner who treated me badly....do I go to Mum's funeral?

[chocolateaddict231]

Hi all,

This is a tricky one and a sad situation. My partner and I were on and off for a number of years...... he wasn't great to me. Even as recently as last weekend, he was in touch being pretty shitty to me. I have been in counselling over this man and just yesterday, I told friends I needed to harden myself about him. I then blocked him on all social media.

This morning he texted me to tell me his Mum had passed away. I tried to phone him but his phone is off, I sent a message saying I was really sorry and I'd do anything I could.

After our history, this feels like cruel timing. My mental health has suffered due to him. I want to be kind to his brothers and him but I think it would feel awkward/fake to be there. It also might lead me back to him, which I cannot do anymore.

AIBU to stay strong and just stay away? (He may not even want me there, I'm just thinking ahead)

He has been in touch but I haven't replied

sure

i very much doubt he has contacted you

you’re living in cloud cuckoo land

Well now is the perfect time to block him then.

This morning he texted me to tell me his Mum had passed away. I tried to phone him but his phone is off, I sent a message saying I was really sorry and I'd do anything I could.

Why the fuck did you try to phone him? And why would you offer to 'do anything you could'? You owe him literally nothing. He's your abusive ex. He isn't your partner and he isn't your friend. You should have be having zero contact with him and you should have blocked his number.

(He may not even want me there, I'm just thinking ahead)

Sounds like there's a part of you that wants him to ask you. You want to feel like he needs you. Spoiler alert: he doesn't. And he's a cunt.

And I suspect his family will actually find it really fucking weird if you turned up. You aren't his partner and you aren't a family friend. Would you expect all his exes and his all his brother's exes to turn up? I'm guessing not. So why would you?

I keep thinking of him throwing back at me 'you ignored me when my Mum died

As you are no longer in a relationship with him, are not his friend and have zero reason to be having a conversation with him at all, when are you imagining he would have the opportunity to do this? And what would it fucking matter? His opinion is of zero consequence to you.

You say you've had a lot of counselling re. this man's abuse. I still think you probably need more, because you are clearly still in thrall to this worthless arsehole and your thoughts about attending his mother's funeral very obviously don't have anything do with how you felt about this mother and everything to do with your apparent addiction to being enmeshed with this man.

Because if any friend sent me a message that their parent had died. I would offer that

He's not your friend, though. He's a man who used to abuse you.

Why have you spent the morning wondering if you are to blame?
Nobody deserves to be treated cruelly.

I do think you sound very vulnerable OP.
I am glad to read that you have a therapist to discuss this with.
Leave the diagnosis to them.

In the meantime, try to find even a few small things to distract you from this constant focus on your Ex and his feelings. Radio Comedy, the Cinema, Swimming - anything at all to give your thoughts a break.

His love is transactional, like all narcissists. He wouldn't be this worried or concerned for you

Please stop wasting time analysing this toxic "relationship".

You are just fuelling your own drama and I don't think the multiple threads about this man are helpful to your mental health, you seem to want to cling on to any kind of link to him, no matter how harmful it is to you!

I probably wouldn't.

Anyone that has caused you to need counselling should be blocked, him being able to have easy access to get to you in this way will be hindering your recovery.
He is an ex for a reason.
I’d be interested to know if he ever messages you with positive news?

really hoping you didn’t rock up at this funeral op