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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner who treated me badly....do I go to Mum's funeral?

136 replies

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 16:39

Hi all,

This is a tricky one and a sad situation. My partner and I were on and off for a number of years...... he wasn't great to me. Even as recently as last weekend, he was in touch being pretty shitty to me. I have been in counselling over this man and just yesterday, I told friends I needed to harden myself about him. I then blocked him on all social media.

This morning he texted me to tell me his Mum had passed away. I tried to phone him but his phone is off, I sent a message saying I was really sorry and I'd do anything I could.

After our history, this feels like cruel timing. My mental health has suffered due to him. I want to be kind to his brothers and him but I think it would feel awkward/fake to be there. It also might lead me back to him, which I cannot do anymore.

AIBU to stay strong and just stay away? (He may not even want me there, I'm just thinking ahead)

OP posts:
benjoin · 14/03/2024 17:02

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:00

I think my instinct just kicked in and thought I should ring. We had been speaking on the phone at the weekend and that is how we usually speak.

I really didn't mean to make it about me. I get on well with his brothers, friends etc so I wanted to make sure I don't do anything that seems really impolite but I can see that's a very inward view!

why on earth were you speaking to him on the phone at the weekend? What possible reason? You need to get over him

benjoin · 14/03/2024 17:03

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 17:02

you are blatantly seeing this as an opportunity to see him op

not once do you actually refer to his mother herself in the op

so look at the facts
you last saw the mother two years ago
you are an ex
you are in therapy because of him
he texts his mother has passed
you then seem to get very excited and call him, and then text him, and start a mumsnet thread, and worry what his family will think of you don’t turn up (they won’t care)

Yes its all about the ex. How you'd look to the ex's family.

It's quite disgusting OP. A woman has died and you're focusing on your ex

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 17:03

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:00

I think my instinct just kicked in and thought I should ring. We had been speaking on the phone at the weekend and that is how we usually speak.

I really didn't mean to make it about me. I get on well with his brothers, friends etc so I wanted to make sure I don't do anything that seems really impolite but I can see that's a very inward view!

they won’t care Op!!! you are an ex who didn’t see their mother for 2 years. Presumably they haven’t really see you either.

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 17:03

just leave the man alone FGS

Platedshoes · 14/03/2024 17:04

No, don't put yourself through it. Send some beautiful flowers or a donation to their charity, if that's what they're doing, if you want to, so you've done something to mark her passing.

Then step well away. No more communication with this man.

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:04

He rang at the weekend to speak about his Mum. As I said we are very on and off. I didn't want to meet up at the weekend as I didn't think it would be good for me and knew he had other people he could reach out to

OP posts:
FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 17:05

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:04

He rang at the weekend to speak about his Mum. As I said we are very on and off. I didn't want to meet up at the weekend as I didn't think it would be good for me and knew he had other people he could reach out to

yes and since the weekend

have been in counselling over this man and just yesterday, I told friends I needed to harden myself about him. I then blocked him on all social media.

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 17:05

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:04

He rang at the weekend to speak about his Mum. As I said we are very on and off. I didn't want to meet up at the weekend as I didn't think it would be good for me and knew he had other people he could reach out to

to speak about his mum but also

* . Even as recently as last weekend, he was in touch being pretty shitty to me*

Tarquina · 14/03/2024 17:06

Absolutely do not go full stop what on earth are you thinking even contemplating it? She's gone she's known god longer living she won't know if you are there or not. Do not go

benjoin · 14/03/2024 17:07

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:04

He rang at the weekend to speak about his Mum. As I said we are very on and off. I didn't want to meet up at the weekend as I didn't think it would be good for me and knew he had other people he could reach out to

Well don't be very on and off.

Just be very off

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 14/03/2024 17:08

You need to draw a line under the relationship.

You've been on and again off again, he treats you badly, yet you refer to him as a friend and want to make sure he and his family think well of you. Why?

You didn't have a recent relationship with his mum and you don't have a functional relationship with him. Cease contact and move on with your life, block his number and don't see him again.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 14/03/2024 17:08

How did he get in touch with you if you blocked him on everything?

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:10

I think I just had a moment of attachment and panic, wondering are you meant to push aside a past when someone goes through something bad

I certainly had no bad intentions.

Sorry I should have said I blocked on all social media. I clearly would not have done that if I knew the timing

OP posts:
Nchanged89 · 14/03/2024 17:11

Whats the point of blocking him on social media if you are still chatting to him on the phone?

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:12

Because I don't want to see his posts anymore

OP posts:
FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 17:13

Sorry I should have said I blocked on all social media. I clearly would not have done that if I knew the timing

why?? the loss of his mother should have no impact on the fact that this is an EX so unhealthy for you that you have had to have therapy over him

OP…. you in in your thirties. the years you have wasted over this man. it’s tragic

Nchanged89 · 14/03/2024 17:13

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:12

Because I don't want to see his posts anymore

But still chat to him on the phone??

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:15

I wasn't expecting to be chatting to him on the phone. I wasn't expecting him to message with news of this

OP posts:
Nchanged89 · 14/03/2024 17:16

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:15

I wasn't expecting to be chatting to him on the phone. I wasn't expecting him to message with news of this

Why not block him then?

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:18

I probably was doing it in stages to be honest. It took many months to even block the social media! I have blocked him on messages in the past and then stupidly unblocked

OP posts:
FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 17:18

this is tragic. OP you need to carve out some kind of life for yourself beyond hoping this man will change.

Reread your previous threads…. navel gazing about this man and hoping he might change has been your life for the last few years

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 17:19

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:18

I probably was doing it in stages to be honest. It took many months to even block the social media! I have blocked him on messages in the past and then stupidly unblocked

op you are in your thirties
you are single
child free

you are not 14 years old

concernedchild · 14/03/2024 17:19

You've not spoken to her in 2 years.

It's sad but it is what it is. Mark her passing in your own way, don't go to the funeral

CaptinKitty · 14/03/2024 17:20

With all due kindness op, you need to give yourself a shake.

Your post above where you said you ‘just wanted to do right by everyone’ is baffling. These people are nothing to you, they are not your family and they are not your friends, you owe them nothing. You said yourself your relationship with this man has fucked your own mental health to the point of needing professional help via therapy. In this case, the only person you should be ‘doing right by’ is yourself by keeping the hell away.

You not going to the funeral won’t matter to anyone. It won’t even be a registered blip on the radar for his family in the overall story of their lives. And if your ex cares - who really gives a fuck? He is your ex because he treated you like shit.

If He needs help or support, that is what his friends and family are for. Don’t cut off chunks of yourself to feed someone else.

benjoin · 14/03/2024 17:20

Was this your first breakup?