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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner who treated me badly....do I go to Mum's funeral?

136 replies

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 16:39

Hi all,

This is a tricky one and a sad situation. My partner and I were on and off for a number of years...... he wasn't great to me. Even as recently as last weekend, he was in touch being pretty shitty to me. I have been in counselling over this man and just yesterday, I told friends I needed to harden myself about him. I then blocked him on all social media.

This morning he texted me to tell me his Mum had passed away. I tried to phone him but his phone is off, I sent a message saying I was really sorry and I'd do anything I could.

After our history, this feels like cruel timing. My mental health has suffered due to him. I want to be kind to his brothers and him but I think it would feel awkward/fake to be there. It also might lead me back to him, which I cannot do anymore.

AIBU to stay strong and just stay away? (He may not even want me there, I'm just thinking ahead)

OP posts:
FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 16:41

you do not once mention your rel with his mother?

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 16:42

I sent a message saying I was really sorry and I'd do anything I could.

you’re an ex girlfriend
why would you do this?

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 16:43

I would know her. I have been in her home many times but I haven't spoken to her recently, since 2022. I was fond of her, as was she of me.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 14/03/2024 16:43

Did you have a relationship - a good one - with his mother. It's that which should drive your decision.

Not running to be a shoulder for him.....

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 16:43

you need to stay in therapy about this man, that’s for sure

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 16:44

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 16:43

I would know her. I have been in her home many times but I haven't spoken to her recently, since 2022. I was fond of her, as was she of me.

you haven’t had contact with her for two years
and you’re an ex

just leave it op

hairbearbunches · 14/03/2024 16:44

Would you be going to the funeral to pay your respects to his mother in her own right, or are you considering going to support him? The two are very different. Given what you've said, I would be inclined not to go at all or, if you do because you knew his mother and liked her, sit at the back and then leave straight after the service. Alternatively, don't go but do something nice that reminds you of his mother and remember her that way.

Sustained shitty behaviour doesn't get brushed under a carpet just because someone died. All the best.

EC22 · 14/03/2024 16:44

Id go if i was close to the mum, id sit at the back not go to the after, but not to be there for him.

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 16:44

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 16:42

I sent a message saying I was really sorry and I'd do anything I could.

you’re an ex girlfriend
why would you do this?

Because if any friend sent me a message that their parent had died. I would offer that. It was my instinct at that time and then as the hours have gone by I have questioned why I reached out

OP posts:
FeetUpAndTeaPlease · 14/03/2024 16:47

You reached out...and he ignored you! You have a poor relationship with him and haven'tseen his mum in years. Why would you even consider going?

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 16:48

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 16:44

Because if any friend sent me a message that their parent had died. I would offer that. It was my instinct at that time and then as the hours have gone by I have questioned why I reached out

Show quote history

a “friend” that treated you so badly you needed therapy

a “friend” that you have started multiple threads about in the past and his shitty treatment of you

he is your EX not a friend

get yourself back to therapy about him op . sharpish

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 16:49

was the message even personalised to you op?

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 16:50

Thank you. I just needed to see if it would look bad to his family etc if I didn't go.

He was in touch this weekend looking for comfort about his Mum and yes, the message was personalised but I've spent months trying to stay away from this person so I want to make sure I do the right thing by everyone now.

OP posts:
GreyBlackLove · 14/03/2024 16:50

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 16:44

Because if any friend sent me a message that their parent had died. I would offer that. It was my instinct at that time and then as the hours have gone by I have questioned why I reached out

Show quote history

But this man is not your friend. He is an ex partner who treated you badly.

You sent a kind message, which is all that you really need to do. I agree with your friends and would suggest you leave it at that. You would also do well to block him entirely, this man has family and friends he can lean on and you need to protect yourself so you're not sucked back in.

something2say · 14/03/2024 16:51

I would go. I was close to my ex's mum and would care if she died. Do what you have to to keep safe from the man tho and slip away without saying goodbye x Im sorry

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 16:52

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 16:50

Thank you. I just needed to see if it would look bad to his family etc if I didn't go.

He was in touch this weekend looking for comfort about his Mum and yes, the message was personalised but I've spent months trying to stay away from this person so I want to make sure I do the right thing by everyone now.

i doubt they would notice

Manchestermummax3 · 14/03/2024 16:55

Funerals are for the living.

I may have a slightly different opinion on this.... but she's not going to know if you were there or not.

Mark it someway if you feel that's something you'd like to do. Flowers on her grave a few days later, a few moments quiet thinking about her with her favourite drink when the service would be taking place etc.

benjoin · 14/03/2024 16:57

This morning he texted me to tell me his Mum had passed away. I tried to phone him but his phone is off, I sent a message saying I was really sorry and I'd do anything I could.

Why. Why did you try to phone him? He text you out of politeness presumably as you knew his mother. If he'd let you know the funeral details and asked if you wanted to come sure.

Why wouldn't you at most send a a text saying sorry to hear that I was very fond of her.

Why would you even be thinking ahead to the funeral. Just stay away.

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 16:58

the thought of losing my mother, sending out messages to contacts on my phone that she has passed, and then an ex ringing me…. as if i’d be in the mood for chatting with the ex at such a time!

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 16:58

and he clearly felt the same

benjoin · 14/03/2024 16:58

chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 16:50

Thank you. I just needed to see if it would look bad to his family etc if I didn't go.

He was in touch this weekend looking for comfort about his Mum and yes, the message was personalised but I've spent months trying to stay away from this person so I want to make sure I do the right thing by everyone now.

His family? You mean his mums family surely?

You are centering yourself in this and this is NOT ABOUT YOU. They will have far bigger things to think about than oh OP didn't come.

EcstaticMarmalade · 14/03/2024 16:58

If you struggle with not going to the funeral due to your feelings for his mum, then find another outlet for that.

I was in a similar situation with a couple of family members. I wanted to mark their passing but felt that my presence at the funeral would be unwise.

This was for my own peace/mental health as in both caseA there was a family member I’d gone no contact with due to abusive behaviour.

I knew they would be likely to lash out and use me as a whipping boy partly out of cruelty and partly to get temporary reprieve from their own grief/loss.

On the slim off chance that didn’t happen I also did not want to get tangled up in that situation again or for them to think that contact could resume.

So on both occasions at the approximate time of the funeral I made some space for myself to have some quiet time. I lit a candle, listened to music they’d like, had a bunch of flowers next to where I was sitting and let myself think of them, feel the emotions that came up and wander through some memories. I meditate regularly, so I ended with a meditation.

It definitely helped. If I had to do that again I would consider asking a friend/family member I trusted to join me for some support.

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 14/03/2024 17:00

I think my instinct just kicked in and thought I should ring. We had been speaking on the phone at the weekend and that is how we usually speak.

I really didn't mean to make it about me. I get on well with his brothers, friends etc so I wanted to make sure I don't do anything that seems really impolite but I can see that's a very inward view!

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 14/03/2024 17:01

Who gives a shit what his family, him or any of his friends think about you? It sounds like your motivation for going is to support him which beggars belief really after the way he's treated you.

Are you even sure his mum has passed away and it's not just one of his many games?

FunnyFinch · 14/03/2024 17:02

you are blatantly seeing this as an opportunity to see him op

not once do you actually refer to his mother herself in the op

so look at the facts
you last saw the mother two years ago
you are an ex
you are in therapy because of him
he texts his mother has passed
you then seem to get very excited and call him, and then text him, and start a mumsnet thread, and worry what his family will think of you don’t turn up (they won’t care)