Bookclub fall out

[Jeanie1666]

I've been in a bookclub with friends for a few years now. Recently one of the member's has been bad-mouthing someone I know and deeply respect. I called her out about it in the group recently and it was (understandably) upsetting for everyone.

I don't feel that I need to apologise but other members are apparently shocked that I 'humiliated her in public'. We don't like to upset the boat in the UK but I felt that she needed to be told and now I feel that I am in the firing line.

I see it as me trying to keep our bookclub conversations friendly and non-confrontational. However, this seems to have backfired and people are upset at my questioning her right to say these things.

I am considering leaving the club over this now. What do other people think?

But it's fine how the bad-mouthing friend has been behaving??? 🤔

Why wouldn’t you just have a private word?

It’s impossible to tell without proper context. If it was your mum they were bad mouthing that’s different from if it was the author ( because that’s the point of a book club).

I can’t really envisage why they would be talking about someone other than the author or a relevant public figure at a book club, in which case of course YABU. You can’t dictate other people’s opinions.

From the ( slightly self righteous ) way you worded your post and the fact you haven’t come back give context, I’m guessing it wasn’t a left field attack on your dear mum or similar, but rather that in quashing her confrontational tendencies you totally eclipsed them with your own.

Maybe exit stage left …

Hi Laura 👋🏻

I am considering leaving the club over this now. What do other people think?

I read what I want to, make of it what I will and think book clubs are bit wanky pretentious.

How much do you want to preserve your relationship with this lot?

It really depends what exactly was said by both of you, but generally you should prioritize the wellbeing of the group, and not cause a stir.

Other people perceived you as humiliating her in public. This means that there is a time and a place, if you must give your two penneth - and publicly in front of everyone wasn't it.

You made a scene in a self righteous way and made everyone uncomfortable. If you feel somebody has been unkind then you should have brought it up with that person in private and not in front of people. The fact they are all now annoyed with you seems to me that you acted inappropriately and went in like a bull in a china shop.

Pretend nothing happened and carry on doing book club things.

I think it’s pretty common for the type of person who ‘calls someone out’ to have limited options socially.

A better approach would have been a private conversation - no calling out, just explaining that person is a friend of mine and my experience has been different.

You could try just apologizing? If that’s not well-received or you don’t want to. I think leaving is best. Join another group and be more careful about how you express things.

thank you, and @KomodoOhno
doing the lord's work!
I was so intrigued by the references to the initiation ceremony I was going to have to advance search myself otherwise.

Picking up from a PP above… if it was JKR that she was dissing, I’d have been in there too. But, politics, EDI stuff, religion etc shouldn’t come into book club. After the last week, I’d probably add the royal family to that list too.

Agree with this

@BusyMummy001 It was more likely an argument about how you pronounce scone, whether you should take you shoes off indoors etc.

I see it as me trying to keep our bookclub conversations friendly and non-confrontational

You nailed that.

Oh dear what on earth did you think that would achieve

So, was the person dissing your friend during book club discussions? If so, you were right to call out the behaviour during a book club session.

I decided to leave my book club, because a couple of the members were racist and homophobic when discussing characters in the various books we read - glances and tuts, and subtle references about ‘not liking THOSE sorts in books we read’. Very difficult to challenge directly, but definitely the type of racism that is the most predominant in our culture within older women. There were of course Covid deniers as well.

Life is too short to mix socially with people I despise. It made me tense all the time waiting for the next comment.

In your situation if the comments about your friend were made during the meeting, I would have said ‘your comments are making me feel uncomfortable as she is a friend of mine, could we change the subject’. And maybe said something outside the group. It would be very awkward to have a row about it in front of everyone.

I agree with others that you need to give more details before we can decide if you are unreasonable @Jeanie1666

If you were correct to call them out in front of the group, and other members of the group don’t like it, they are toxic. If it’s just a few people I’d stay, defend yourself robustly and if they are upset enough they will leave.

If it would have been best handled one to one with the offending person, you can apologise to any group members who were upset, especially if you want to stay a member.

Have you said anything to the person being bad mouthed? Not saying this is a good course of action - trying to form a better picture of the situation.

I think you should leave

Why would you drag everyone else into it?

Talk to her in private

Hang on! So it’s ok for this person to be publicly disrespectful about someone the OP cares about but it’s not ok for the OP to publicly stand up for the person who wasn’t there to defend themselves?
I say “well done OP!” Good on you for standing up for your friend. Shame on the posters who don’t think bullying behaviours need stopping in their tracks.

OP - I think you’re best out of it. Hold your head up high. There are lots of other book clubs around. Sounds like you’ve outgrown them all.
Your friend is lucky to have you in their life.

Totally depends on the context

Can I join this book club? Far from being ‘shocked and upset’ this is just the sort of side entertainment that makes book clubs interesting!

I think you were inconsiderate to the other members and could have spoken to her privately without ruining the club.

It sounds like you were expecting the group to be impressed with you "calling her out", which seems a bit playground to me.

There's a lot of drama on here that is nothing to do with book clubs, and most people in book clubs manage without any drama at all.

So no, it isn't "always bookclubs"!

Where is this book club and how do I join?