Bookclub fall out

[Jeanie1666]

I've been in a bookclub with friends for a few years now. Recently one of the member's has been bad-mouthing someone I know and deeply respect. I called her out about it in the group recently and it was (understandably) upsetting for everyone.

I don't feel that I need to apologise but other members are apparently shocked that I 'humiliated her in public'. We don't like to upset the boat in the UK but I felt that she needed to be told and now I feel that I am in the firing line.

I see it as me trying to keep our bookclub conversations friendly and non-confrontational. However, this seems to have backfired and people are upset at my questioning her right to say these things.

I am considering leaving the club over this now. What do other people think?

If you need to say something to her, you could have done it privately. Instead you chose to stir up drama and make everyone uncomfortable. I think you should leave bookclub for the sake of the others.

Was it a member of the book club she was slating?

Or an author like JK Rowling or something?

Was it happening at the time or did you just randomly bring it up?

Did you have to "confront"? Could you not just have diffused the situation or breezily change topic?

You should have handled this privately.

Now, everyone will feel awkward and uncomfortable because you decided to turn what you called a "non-confrontational" zone into a space for confrontation that didn't involve everyone there.

It's admirable to speak up for your friend, but there's a time and a place. Doing it publicly is not the way.

Absolutely no reason to air your grievances out in public. As you've now seen, calling someone out like that has a nasty habit to come back and bite the messenger in the arse.

Always better to deal with things like that in private, at least to start with. Leaving the group might be your best option now, I'm afraid.

This.

If you say your intention was to keep book club meetings 'friendly and non-confrontational', surely 'calling her out' in front of the other members was not the right tactic, however justified you may have been in speaking to her about it.

Also, if the person you are defending is the author of one of the books under discussion, I'd have let it go --

Sorry, posted too soon -- writers often get slagged off when their books are under discussion. If that's what happened, just let it go. It's part of the job!

I've seen a crime writer I know (who is local and was invited to stop by a bookshop bookgroup when her latest novel was being discussed) be beamed at by everyone when she was present, and savaged the second she left. She thinks its funny.

Did she bad mouth the person at the book club and did you call her out at the time?
What do you think it was about what you said to this person that made the others feel you were humiliating her?

Unless the person you defended was present you created a public drama and should apologise.

More information is needed.

This should have been done outside of the group but probably still would have caused an atmosphere being in the same room afterwards.

This. It’s as if you wanted to humiliate them rather than defend the other person. why choose a public forum?

I have not rtt,but from your op it's sounds like the person she was badmouthing was not in bookclub so nothing to do with them,you made it awkward for everyone.

Move on it won't be the same again.

We can learn lessons from everything though.

Perhaps if this happens again, you can revise what you say.

Please tell us more! We need detail.

It was not the time or place. I would think this will slowly be the end of the book club

It would have been better for you to have just quietly mentioned you know her. The message would have been the same.
Ideally people would not say horrible things about others behind their backs but frankly that's just how a lot of people are and as you've found out, having a go at them about it doesn't make things better.

If you had stayed classy you would have come out on top.

What did she say and what did you say? I would challenge someone in front of others if they were saying stuff I thought was completely out of line but I don’t think it would be a long spiel I’d just say - I think that’s completely unfair and unjustified. , or something along those lines. Sometimes it does need to be public if it’s just an unacceptable thing to say.

Is this the same book club with the chap who always derails to talk about film adaptations? If so, I’m thinking it might not be the right club for you after all, no matter how nice every one is.

I’ve always wanted to join one but fear they are all either gossip/chat fests (great, but let’s not pretend we’ve read the book and just get a round in at the pub) or they’d feel like parish council meetings (been to some writing circles that feel like that, so didn’t stay as I kept waiting for Jacky Weaver to be announced).

It would help if you gave more detail about what was said by whom and to whom.

the flip side of a ‘private word’ is that in the main group there becomes an assumption that whatever was said is acceptable- which it may or not be. ‘I’ve never really got in with her, I find her a bit rude’ - publicly acceptable; ‘I hear she’s having an affair’ - public repudiation needed.

agree with this.
'Sandra, Susan is my friend so I don't like people talking about her behind her back, let's just stick to the book,' - fine
'You need to shut the fuck up Sandra before I hit you over the head with War and Peace, Susan is a much better parent than you'll ever be, talk about throwing stones when we all know what your daughter got up to after the Year 11 prom...' maybe not ideal!

I can't see how people would have possibly thought you humiliated her if you said something lowkey so get the feeling perhaps you were a bit too confrontational.

Is this the book club where you insisted on people having some weird initiation ceremony before being allowed to join?

So someone in the club dislikes someone else you know who isn't in the club. You decided to have a go at them for slagging said person off, in the middle of the club in front of others with no interest presumably?
It seems you have annoyed everyone. Apologise to them and move on. And maybe stick to chatting about books in the bloody book club?

I'm imagining all sorts of bizarre behaviours right now...😶

You called her out in public, did you seriously expect there to be repercussions?
The book club are better without you