Bookclub fall out

[Jeanie1666]

I've been in a bookclub with friends for a few years now. Recently one of the member's has been bad-mouthing someone I know and deeply respect. I called her out about it in the group recently and it was (understandably) upsetting for everyone.

I don't feel that I need to apologise but other members are apparently shocked that I 'humiliated her in public'. We don't like to upset the boat in the UK but I felt that she needed to be told and now I feel that I am in the firing line.

I see it as me trying to keep our bookclub conversations friendly and non-confrontational. However, this seems to have backfired and people are upset at my questioning her right to say these things.

I am considering leaving the club over this now. What do other people think?

The worrying thing in that quote is the use of the present tense: “I see.”

@Jeanie1666 Aren't you going to update us?

Everyone knows the first rule of book club..

@Jeanie1666 isn't going to have a choice about leaving once they've seen this thread.

YABU : Book clubs are not venues for airing one's disputes.
Disputes are best resolved privately.

I don't do book clubs. They seem to be the cause of So much drama.

only on mumsnet
not in RL

Good for you, OP! Ignore all the salty witches shaming you publicly for it. Makes them a bit hypocritical and contradictory, does it not?

We should all stand up against bullies. If a bully does not want a dose of humiliation - They should keep their mouths shut.

If you cannot be kind, be quiet.

Thank you for defending your friend. The public needs more passionate people such as yourself. Nothing like the spineless tongue of a bully behind doors. I feel the peanut gallery in here are just projecting their guilty conscience on you.

Keep being you. Stand up for what's right and keep going to the book club. Of the members dislike what you did; that's their problem, not yours. Or as I like to say to my kids when they are being snowflakes , "That sounds like a you problem".

Has OP said it was her friend? I thought the wording was profound admiration or similar. I’m not sure OP has confirmed she even knows them…

I read this thread yesterday, and came back today hoping for more information from @Jeanie1666 - but I see she has not been back.

???
It's literally the second sentence of the O (and only!) P "bad-mouthing someone I know and deeply respect."

Should have done it one to one, why did you feel the need to do it in a group? Always 2 sides to a story so always best to check first and then go on the defence in the grown up world.

Oh! I don’t know why I had the impression she didn’t know them well.

I might need to revise my posts 😬

I’m shocked by the response to the poll! What happened to standing up to bullies and calling out people being unkind?? You don’t say if the person you know and admire is a public figure? If they are, then this other person is not unreasonable to express an opinion about them. If they are just Jo public - then good on you for standing up for an absent friend!

When I first read it I was left with the impression op wasn’t friends with the person being criticised. “Know” was a bit vague and came across to me as “ know of.” Tbh I got the impression it was JK Rowling - who does provoke argument. But a poster had just pointed out to me it did say “ know” not “ know of.”

What was your motive for calling her out publicly in front of everyone? It doesn't really matter if you dramatically "deeply respect" the victim. You're behaving like a school yard bully - because you would not have publicly attacked her unless you thought and now believe you won. That's pretty immature behaviour. You might have been more effective if you talked to her 1-2-1 and explained how upsetting you found her behaviour. Because you didn't persuade her either her views or her behaviour was wrong - you just ambushed a book club get-together to drag everyone down into her and your nasty behaviour. Pretty sure that's not why everyone joined the book club.

This woman clearly has no shelf control and calling her out was bound to happen eventually.

The rest of them seem a bit spineless. It’s time to turn over a new leaf.

Agreed, time for a new chapter.

She does absolutely..well said.

Was the bad mouthing done during book club in front of book xlum friends? If so, then NO - you had every right to shut it down.

If it was not during book club or to people not in the book club, then. YES - YABVU.

You should have done this privately rather than dragging everyone else into it.

First World Drama. Get a grip

Funny how if you posted to say what happened, and you were annoyed, all the comments would say "you should have spoken up- made an example of her in front of the whole group".

Everyone says they WOULD or SHOULD speak up, but when somebody does, they get called dramatic and have nasty comments made?!

If it was a situation where the other woman was openly slagging off your family member or close friend, or similar, at book club to other books club members and you said, at the time, that you didn’t appreciate it, that’s one thing, but if you decided to ‘call her out’ at book club after the badmouthing event or on hearsay, then that’s not really on at all. Nor is ‘humiliating’ her, as others have put it.

Op the fact you are not responding makes it seem like you have a penchant for lobbing controversy then disappearing, (like with the book group? )

There are lots of questions posters have asked to help them make sense of the situation.

i think we can presume that the person who the OP was sticking up for is NOT a member of the book club given the way the OP’s opening post reads

Let’s imagine a bookgroup of 8

1 of them suddenly explodes at another member for bad-mouthing someone NOT in the book club who the 6 other members of the book club have never met.

In that scenario…. you would “speak up”