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Original poster

Bookclub fall out

151 replies

Jeanie1666 · 14/03/2024 16:30

I've been in a bookclub with friends for a few years now. Recently one of the member's has been bad-mouthing someone I know and deeply respect. I called her out about it in the group recently and it was (understandably) upsetting for everyone.

I don't feel that I need to apologise but other members are apparently shocked that I 'humiliated her in public'. We don't like to upset the boat in the UK but I felt that she needed to be told and now I feel that I am in the firing line.

I see it as me trying to keep our bookclub conversations friendly and non-confrontational. However, this seems to have backfired and people are upset at my questioning her right to say these things.

I am considering leaving the club over this now. What do other people think?

OP posts:
VampireWeekday · 14/03/2024 19:14

Is it someone you know personally or someone famous?

Laiste · 14/03/2024 19:17

one of the member's has been bad-mouthing someone I know and deeply respect. I called her out about it in the group recently ...

... people are upset at my questioning her right to say these things.

Is this person you know and respect a member of the bookclub as well?

Was the person doing the bad-mouthing doing it while at the book club or is that just where you chose to challenge them?

What do you mean by 'bad-mouthing'? When you talk about other people thinking they had the right to say these things it makes me feel this is more complicated than you make it sound.

Bobskeleton · 14/03/2024 19:18

Is the person who has been bad mouthed in the book club?

If not then I don't understand why you would confront the other person Infront of the book club.

Surely a private conversation between the two of you is better?

Alwaystransforming · 14/03/2024 19:19

What was wrong with having a quiet word, one to one with her?

not surprised people are pissed off you decided to involve the rest of the group in your drama.

How are you defining ‘know’ this person and what has she actually being saying?

PeryleneGreen · 14/03/2024 19:19

Unless there's some backstory for why the rest of the group would be likely to band together against you, the fact that they all think you went too far probably indicates that you did.

Now to read about the squirting initiation ritual...

BunniesRUs · 14/03/2024 19:22

Why is everyone defending the bookclub bitchiness?! She was rude about someone and got caught out and is now playing the victim. What?!?

Please add context OP but as far as I can tell you're not being unreasonable here...

pleasecallmeback · 14/03/2024 19:24

Stick to an online book club, much less drama, and if any develops, you can just switch off the internet for a day or two.

Alwaystransforming · 14/03/2024 19:25

BunniesRUs · 14/03/2024 19:22

Why is everyone defending the bookclub bitchiness?! She was rude about someone and got caught out and is now playing the victim. What?!?

Please add context OP but as far as I can tell you're not being unreasonable here...

We don’t even know what the bitchiness was.

But there was no need to do it publicly and involve people who may not have wanted to be involved.

inkblackheart · 14/03/2024 19:26

You were wrong unless that person is also in the bookclub. What purpose was served by you humiliating her?

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 14/03/2024 19:44

It’s JKR isn’t it?

MassiveOvaryaction · 14/03/2024 19:44

Hate the phrase "call them out", has aggressive overtones to me.

If the person you have issue with was bad mouthing the person you respect within the book club, then YWNBU to bring it up and stand up for that person. If they'd done it outside of book club, then bringing the argument there was very unreasonable.

@Jeanie1666 is the person you respect also in the book club?

BetterWithPockets · 14/03/2024 19:52

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/03/2024 16:35

Defending someone you admire is fine. Calling someone out in public is a different thing.

Show quote history

I think it depends on whether or not the bad-mouther was doing the bad-mouthing while at the book group. If so, I think it’s fine to call her out there and then.

EasternStandard · 14/03/2024 19:53

Sounds like unnecessary drama but hard to know without more info on what was said

Sidebeforeself · 14/03/2024 20:00

I soo want to join this book club. The first rule of book club….

FreebieWallopFridge · 14/03/2024 20:07

So you hoped to keep book non-confrontational by confronting someone there in front of everyone?

Well played. Excellent plan.

DodgeDoggie · 14/03/2024 20:12

Your post is too vague, making it difficult to decide. My opinion hinges on what she said, how she said it, then what you said and how you delivered your thoughts. More detail needed.

DodgeDoggie · 14/03/2024 20:13

Were you harsh delivering your opinion?

GreekDogRescue · 14/03/2024 20:21

I cannot imagine anything worse than a book club.
Lots of pretentious people waffling about boring books.
What is the point?
Heaven is reading a thriller in a hot bath. Why would one want to discuss this with hordes of strangers?

ToWhitToWhoo · 14/03/2024 20:23

Did she say these things in front of the others at the book club? If so, then I don't blame you for pulling her up on it. If not, then I think you were wrong and should have confronted her in private: not just for her sake and to avoid drama at the book club, but to avoid spreading her gossip further.

ItWasnaMeGuv · 14/03/2024 20:23

Jeanie1666 · 14/03/2024 16:30

I've been in a bookclub with friends for a few years now. Recently one of the member's has been bad-mouthing someone I know and deeply respect. I called her out about it in the group recently and it was (understandably) upsetting for everyone.

I don't feel that I need to apologise but other members are apparently shocked that I 'humiliated her in public'. We don't like to upset the boat in the UK but I felt that she needed to be told and now I feel that I am in the firing line.

I see it as me trying to keep our bookclub conversations friendly and non-confrontational. However, this seems to have backfired and people are upset at my questioning her right to say these things.

I am considering leaving the club over this now. What do other people think?

Your error was doing it publically. Call her out by all means, but privately. At that time you can state "if you speak about xxx like that again, I will call you out". That means if she does speak again negatively about your friend, then you can retaliate. I've done this myself some years ago. I would always avoid embarrassing the person I accuse but also everyone else. No one wins in that situation.

In your case, can you publically apologise and ask everyone to draw a line and move on?

mommatoone · 14/03/2024 20:40

Good for you OP. It's a strange world we live in where people think it's ok to bad mouth people over someone calling them out over it! I would have done the same.

GameOfJones · 14/03/2024 20:41

MindHowYouGoes · 14/03/2024 19:10

is the person you admire JK Rowling?

This is exactly what I thought! If so, YANBU

eise · 14/03/2024 20:42

It doesn't matter if you like that person. How do you know what happened between them? You could have done it in private.
Your ego wouldn't allow you

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/03/2024 20:45

Was the badmouther part of the book club and badmouthing your friend during the book club?
Or was this done at a different time and you decided to call her out on it at the book club?

museumum · 14/03/2024 20:47

Was she bitching in book club about somebody you’re friends with who isn’t in book club? If so then it makes sense to speak up there and then, in public. I can see how it would be awkward but equally I would not be comfortable sitting quietly while a group bad mouth somebody I know (I wouldn’t even like to listen to bitching about somebody I didn’t know).