Bookclub fall out

[Jeanie1666]

I've been in a bookclub with friends for a few years now. Recently one of the member's has been bad-mouthing someone I know and deeply respect. I called her out about it in the group recently and it was (understandably) upsetting for everyone.

I don't feel that I need to apologise but other members are apparently shocked that I 'humiliated her in public'. We don't like to upset the boat in the UK but I felt that she needed to be told and now I feel that I am in the firing line.

I see it as me trying to keep our bookclub conversations friendly and non-confrontational. However, this seems to have backfired and people are upset at my questioning her right to say these things.

I am considering leaving the club over this now. What do other people think?

good heavens you absolute drama llama

and ruining this book club

you should be ashamed of yourself

am considering leaving the club over this now. What do other people think?

do it. for their sake

you’ve posted before about this book club haven’t you?

You shouldn't have called her out in front of the group. You should have had a private conversation with her.

Quite apart from the question of humiliating her in public, it must have been very uncomfortable for the other people in the group to have to sit through this. You were very inconsiderate, I think.

What's done is done, though. I think apologising and leaving the group is probably the best option.

You defended someone you admire. If that's how it went, you did nothing wrong, but admirable. Are you sure no-one else in the group appreciates this?

The way you say someone you know sounds like that person isn’t a member of the book club.
In which case, it wasn’t the right space to speak to her - you should have done that away from the group and not dragged them into it.

Defending someone you admire is fine. Calling someone out in public is a different thing.

You got bolshy and now it's awkward - probably best to find a new book club.

Was she critical of the person on the book club or on front of the book clum members?

Unless she was sat there slagging them off at the time, it was definitely inappropriate

It wasn't the space and put everyone else in an uncomfortable position

Was she slagging off the other person in the book group chat and then you called them out on it? If so then YWNBU.

if she was doing it outside the group and you brought it up in the group chat, then YWBU.

You could have put an alternative perspective forward, defending the person in question, without calling anyone out or humiliating them in front of others.

A simple "I don't think that's true" or a "let's not make assumptions when we don't have any evidence" would have been adequate in the group. You could have had a separate conversation with her privately.

If she was bad mouthing your friend publicly in the group, then it's not unreasonable to have challenged her at the time, although a lot depends on what she said and if your response was appropriate and proportionate to that. However, if you brought up behaviour you'd witnessed elsewhere or only heard about in front of the other book club people, then that was inappropriate of you as there was no need for them to be dragged into it and you should have spoken in private.

It's always book clubs isn't it? Always a whole lot of drama...doesn't seem worth being a member.

So you confronted someone in your book club because you believe your book club should be non-confrontational? 🤔

Oh OP you are going to have to explain yourself properly here, because right now you come across as quite ridiculous.

What exactly did the person say?

And how exactly did you respond?

Need more context.

I see it as me trying to keep our bookclub conversations friendly and non-confrontational.

😄Good job!

I think it depends what you said and how you said it. If you stuck up for your friend and said 'it's a shame you think she's stingy, I've known her for years and she has always been generous and paid her way and gives to charity' then that's just your opinion which is fine to raise. If its 'how dare you call her stingy, you judgemental bitch, i saw you not leave a tip the last time we went out as a group' then that's a bit different

Why on earth would you call someone out like this, in an open forum? Let alone something as genteel as a book club?!

do them a favour and leave

YABVU. You obviously think you’re some sort of hero for being incredibly rude and “calling someone out”. You’re not. You were out of order.

What on earth has her bad mouthing someone got to do with book club and why would you call her out at the book club?

The first rule about book club is - you don't talk about book club

I don't think the first approach would have resulted in accusations of publicly humiliating the other book club member. So we must assume the reality was closer to the second option.

I see it as me trying to keep our bookclub conversations friendly and non-confrontational

Did you really think that? How would that work?

In principle, defending someone else in order to try to keep a friendly atmosphere is fine.

However, in practice it very much depends how you did it. There is a HUGE difference between calmly saying "can we not discuss Susan's XYZ please I'm not comfortable with some of the things being said about her. Let's stick to book chat" and giving someone what for. I've seen both in group settings and tbh based on the reaction towards you I think you probably did the latter thinking it was justified. Execution of these things is everything.