To hate MIL wearing shoes in my house?!

[Mudonstairs]

I love my MIL to pieces. She does so much for me and us as a family. She comes round several times per week and stays with us to help us with childcare for our 20 month old DC. She is a true blessing and we would be so much worse off without her help.

However, she keeps her shoes on in our house from morning until she goes to bed. Whether she is going out or not, those shoes will go on her feet as soon as she gets dressed in the morning upstairs, and if she’s been out and it’s been raining or whatever she doesn’t take them off when she comes back in! My husband and I find this bizarre as we don’t wear shoes in our house. Shoes go on as and when we are about to leave the house and straight off in the hallway when we arrive home.

We recently had our carpet cleaned in only one part of the house (all we could afford) and DH told her we are trying to not wear shoes in the house to keep the carpets clean. He explained that DC likes to play on the floor with his toys etc so we don’t want remnants of dog muck and whatever else trailed through the house (dog muck is a real issue in our neighbourhood, it’s everywhere and you can’t always avoid it)! He has in the past also commented to her several times that he thinks it’s strange that she keeps her shoes on in the house and that it is unhygienic.

She has her own slippers at our house that she chose herself when we were out shopping together but she doesn’t wear them. I am getting annoyed now that I work full time and i don’t have the time to go around the house after my MIL and clean up the specks of dirt she leaves around the house, including up the stairs and in the bathroom. We also can’t keep affording a professional carpet clean regularly and tbh I begrudge having this expense when it’s easily avoidable! I am from a culture where people take their shoes off at home so it is absolutely ludicrous to me that she relaxes at home with her bloody boots/shoes on all day and night no matter what. She does this in her own home too but fair enough if she is comfortable in her own place that’s her business, just hate it at my house.

I don’t want to make a big thing of it as she does so much for us and I don’t want to sound ungrateful or upset her, but seeing as we have already told her before I don’t know how to deal with it in a way that won’t be a big thing anyway. It is having an affect on the overall look of the house and it’s starting to get me down. We can’t afford to decorate so I think the only thing I hold onto is that when it’s had a good clean the place looks nice, but it’s starting not to anymore!

YABU- shut up and let the woman do what she likes. She gives you free childcare so you don’t have a right to complain! Shoes at home is normal!

YANBU- shoes in the house is unhygienic and she needs to stop wearing them in the house. Shoes at home is not normal!

Your DM sound just like her! I’m not complaining about her as a person or a grandparent. She is absolutely amazing. Thanks for giving me that food for thought about her doing things throughout the day either DC without thinking too much about the small things. Overall, she does an amazing job that she enjoys and we are so grateful for that!

Just bite the bullet and tell her you want everyone to take their shoes off at the door and swap to slippers, indoor shoes or stocking feet.

Put a small mat or shoe shelf thing next to your ottoman with her slippers on, and yours etc. And make it clear that everyone stops at the ottoman and changes shoes before leaving the house and when coming back in.

Keep reminding her.

One option is to ask her to start modeling this behaviour for your child (are they wearing any footwear yet?) because you want it to be second nature for your child to also take shoes off at the door.

You say you keep having conversations about it but it doesn’t feel like you have actually told her what you want.

She can easily wear a pair of house shoes in the house. Even an avid shoe wearer can't object to this.

Culturally more of the world removes shoes than not. It's revolting wearing shoes that have gone into public toilets which always have wee on the floor into the house. Especially when there are carpets.

@WatchandWaitorNot
OP, I am afraid that this is a very basic clash of cultures. For many people the idea of not wearing shoes in the company of others is culturally unacceptable.

I don't know any culture that specifically dislikes not wearing shoes in the company of others. People might not like it as they feel their outfit looks weird or they don't like the feeling but no culture specifically feels it is wrong to be shoeless.

Exactly. It's all these Mrs Hinch types who do it, it makes me cringe if I'm honest.

If there was a house you regularly spent lots of time in then surely you'd just get house shoes and swap out your orthotics.

That’s what we said when we had the carpets cleaned. It lasted for that visit then after that she went back to shoes on all the time again!

No normal person would find cleaning their carpets every month cheaper or easier than just removing shoes when they come into the house. It’s not difficult. I wouldn’t want somebody wheeling their bike all over my carpet either, or wiping their dirty shoes over any of my other soft furnishings. It’s not OCD, it’s just common sense.

I keep a pair of socks in my handbag for when I visit people and don’t want my bare feet on display.

Considering most of the world's population removes outdoor shoes, your assertion that it's nouveau is not only culturally unaware but just downright stupid.

Keep asking her, like a toddler. The penny will eventually drop.

@tittybumbum

Considering most of the world's population removes outdoor shoes, your assertion that it's nouveau is not only culturally unaware but just downright stupid.

No, they don’t!

Your user name says a lot about you

You are VERY unworldly.

Germany, Switzerland, Holland, Skandinavian countries, Middle East including Turkey, all of Asia including Korea, Japan, Thailand, China, massive parts of Africa, South Pacific, Eastern Europe including Russia, Poland, Estonia etc.

Basically it is considered the height of bad manners and very uncouth to wear outdoor shoes indoors outside of the UK, Southern Europe, USA and some people in NZ & Australia. Basically places the UK populated and southern Europe.

It’s no wonder so much of the world thinks British people are a bit unclean with all the talk of only washing every 2-3 days and wearing shoes in the house.

Trust me, that’s not it! She’s told me the horrific medical stuff that happened to her when she gave birth to DH. She shares plenty!

id buy her the same brand of shoes she wears outdoors and she can just use them as indoor shoes. Or something that is easy to slip on and off.

Im probably the same generation as your MIL and when I was younger there was no indoor/outdoor shoes awareness.

Perhaps let her read the same stuff that has made you change your minds. Ie results of shoe soles analysis.

I read once they analysed the free peanuts/snacks that were in a bar. They had traces of faecal matter on the. Guess that’s why they stopped putting free stuff out.

@tittybumbum

Going back to my original question, why did you put carpet at ground level given your obsession with dirt? …..it was extremely stupid, no one does this anymore

An Irish PP has already posted to say that her father would see being asked to take off his shoes as equivalent to being asked to strip naked.

My parents (Scotland) would also have felt very uncomfortable about it and I can just imagine my Granny’s face had she been asked. You don’t think that a strong belief in what is and isn’t “proper” is a cultural thing?

Personally I dislike it unless I am in the home of family or a very close friend. That must have come from my culture at some point. But perhaps it’s a hunter/prey instinct thing- removing your shoes makes you vulnerable as it’s harder to make a quick exit!

True. We are shoes on but we only have carpet upstairs (not on the stairs themselves either) and I tend to stay off the living room rug with my shoes on.

How can you wear shoes inside your house??? Revolting 🤢

I love the idea of DC reminding her but he’s only 20 months old and at the moment his favourite word is duck 😂

That’s great, thanks! Something I can send to people that tell me I have a clean fetish 😂🙄

No, that's not it. Plenty of them have little or no money. It comes down to class, not money.

Ok but I have to use a hob to cook, and I use mine as respectfully as I can. I try to minimise the mess by being careful and not splashing food all over the place. The same care can be applied to carpets if shoes are taken off. It would minimise the build up of dirt.

I would also want to teach my DC how to play. There are times when messy play is fine but that doesn’t mean being careless or not making an effort to minimise mess.

This always comes up on here op. I think yanbu.

People always say it's a class issue to put others down.

Well all I can say is that there is a lot of dog poo on the school run and I've seen people walk through it accidentally not even realising.

People spit on the floor too. Urinate in the street and on the floor in public toilets. I've even seen dead rats and birds.

If it's classy to walk traces of shit, spit and who knows what else onto the floor that your baby plays on then more fool them.

This would annoy me too OP.

However I also found it very icky that your child eats snacks sitting on the floor, to me there is nothing worse (other than maybe shoes with dog poo!) than children eating snacks in random places around the house rather than sat at the table. I know I am in a minority here but it’s how I was brought up.
Is it possible your MIL prefers to wear shoes to avoid walking on sticky crumby floors? ;-)

You’re right, my hob does get really upset when I disrespect it! It told the dishwasher and now all the appliances are in a huff, I can’t get a thing done!