To hate MIL wearing shoes in my house?!

[Mudonstairs]

I love my MIL to pieces. She does so much for me and us as a family. She comes round several times per week and stays with us to help us with childcare for our 20 month old DC. She is a true blessing and we would be so much worse off without her help.

However, she keeps her shoes on in our house from morning until she goes to bed. Whether she is going out or not, those shoes will go on her feet as soon as she gets dressed in the morning upstairs, and if she’s been out and it’s been raining or whatever she doesn’t take them off when she comes back in! My husband and I find this bizarre as we don’t wear shoes in our house. Shoes go on as and when we are about to leave the house and straight off in the hallway when we arrive home.

We recently had our carpet cleaned in only one part of the house (all we could afford) and DH told her we are trying to not wear shoes in the house to keep the carpets clean. He explained that DC likes to play on the floor with his toys etc so we don’t want remnants of dog muck and whatever else trailed through the house (dog muck is a real issue in our neighbourhood, it’s everywhere and you can’t always avoid it)! He has in the past also commented to her several times that he thinks it’s strange that she keeps her shoes on in the house and that it is unhygienic.

She has her own slippers at our house that she chose herself when we were out shopping together but she doesn’t wear them. I am getting annoyed now that I work full time and i don’t have the time to go around the house after my MIL and clean up the specks of dirt she leaves around the house, including up the stairs and in the bathroom. We also can’t keep affording a professional carpet clean regularly and tbh I begrudge having this expense when it’s easily avoidable! I am from a culture where people take their shoes off at home so it is absolutely ludicrous to me that she relaxes at home with her bloody boots/shoes on all day and night no matter what. She does this in her own home too but fair enough if she is comfortable in her own place that’s her business, just hate it at my house.

I don’t want to make a big thing of it as she does so much for us and I don’t want to sound ungrateful or upset her, but seeing as we have already told her before I don’t know how to deal with it in a way that won’t be a big thing anyway. It is having an affect on the overall look of the house and it’s starting to get me down. We can’t afford to decorate so I think the only thing I hold onto is that when it’s had a good clean the place looks nice, but it’s starting not to anymore!

YABU- shut up and let the woman do what she likes. She gives you free childcare so you don’t have a right to complain! Shoes at home is normal!

YANBU- shoes in the house is unhygienic and she needs to stop wearing them in the house. Shoes at home is not normal!

See, most houses I go to the hosts always have shoes off as that’s how my friends all walk around at home too. If I did happen to go to someone’s house and they had shoes on I would probably keep mine on too. I would read the situation and make a judgement call, but more often that not I take shoes off in all the homes I visit because it is the norm in that household too.

Yes, exactly this

That's fair enough, but would I say it so abruptly to my dear MIL who is minding my children 3 days a week?

because its part of life. you clean the hob use it for cooking it's gets dirty again. same with sinks everything. your house is never ever going to be a show room. plus you have kids do you wnat them to grow up anxious about making a mess ? rise above it learn to relax and live in a bit of mess. then tidy one day a week and admire it for 5 mins when no one can move on how clean it looks like everyone else does

Can you buy her a proper pair of shoes (maybe a duplicate of ones she already has) and ask her to wear the clean shoes in your house? She can still wear shoes and your home won't be impacted. I know one person who has a shoes on house and everyone else is shoes off. The one with shoes on has a big house with a housekeeper that cleans everything all the time.

Yanbu, I can't understand why people wouldn't take their shoes off indoors, they're dirty. I don't know how you stop it though, we've asked mil to take her shoes off in the past and she simply says "no." (Rude) I tense every time I see her go upstairs in our house as it's all carpeted.

I'm thinking of making a very clear "shoe area" by the front door with a big mat, shoe cupboard and slippers laid out like they do in Japan. I don't expect it to stop her though.

I voted YABU. She is doing you a large favour and you are being precious. I think it is rude to demand people remove their shoes at the best of times, let alone when you are relying on them for help!

Yanbu

Could you get her some more sturdy slippers for the house? My mum has narrow feet and struggles with shoes with no support so she has a pair of Birkenstocks that she wears in the house.

I would never speak to my MIL in a disrespectful way and if I or my DH were to say anything it would be in as polite and considerate way as possible. Even the thought of saying something about this politely makes me feel awkward so I wouldn’t dream of speaking to her like that anyway.

As mentioned before, MIL does so much for us. I am so grateful for all she does . She is genuinely lovely and we are lucky to have her. It’s just something that’s been bothering me a while and I’ve held it back because of aforementioned help she gives us!

YANBU and I don’t think it’s a cultural thing. I can only think of one friend who doesn’t take their shoes off indoors. All my family and every other friend does. It’s just automatic.

I don’t think it’s a fear of germs either. Many people simply don’t like the idea of outdoor dirt indoors. For those who don’t take your shoes off, where’s your line? Would you walk in the door with your shoes on, walk upstairs and stand on your bed to reach something from a high cupboard? If not, well you can see a bit of how shoes-off people feel.

For your MIL, OP, you’re going to have to be more direct. Don’t dance around it. “MIL, we don’t have shoes on at all in the house now. I’ve put your slippers out for you and we have a seat here for people who need to sit down to take their shoes off. Nobody wears shoes in this house.” Then remind her every single time. A subtle way of reminding her is to puta ‘just removed’ pair of shoes inside the door basically in her way, so she sees them/moves them and is reminded that it’s shoes off.

@AhNowTed well my mil minds mine all the time and I've had to use that tone once when she walked through my house with wet shoes on. I am no way a clean freak but I don't want to keep cleaning floors and carpets because someone is rude enough to know that this is a show free house and doesn't respect that. She's never done it since.

I'm with you OP. Wearing outdoor shoes around the house, especially on carpet, is so gross, can't believe so many people are defending it (mobility issues aside of course)!

I think you just have to ask your husband to tell her, kindly but firmly, that she needs to take her shoes off. She can have special house shoes or whatever else (you could offer to buy these if feeling generous). But ultimately this is just going to be a slightly uncomfortable conversation that has to be had. It's your house! Maybe you could tell a little white lie and say someone tracked dog poo in recently, hence the sudden blanket rule change??

I come from a muddy dogs and gumboots sort of home and my housekeeping standards are pretty lax but would still never dream of wandering around with my shoes on indoors!

That is awful and I would never expect someone in your position to take shoes off, but MIL isn’t in this situation. She’s more active than me! She goes on cycling holidays and travels in a camper van 😂 we have open discussions about health and have shared some serious health information with each other, so I am certain if it was for orthotics/foot support she would just say! I mean she’s shared information about her birth when she had DH with me 😂😂😂

Maybe because they are not responsible for the upkeep of the house. They will have cleaners and professionals running around after them. Then when carpets approach their end of life, they will also be able to hire an interior design team and wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the cost of new carpet or decorating. Would be lovely!

I don’t want to make an issue of it. That was point of my OP. Yes, we are trying to save and get new flooring/decorate entire house in years to come anyway, but in the meantime we have to make the best of what we have.

How does your husband find it bizarre, he grew up with this woman so obviously she was like this right through his childhood?

You go around after her cleaning up SPECKS of dirt, if you have time to look for specks if dirt you have too much time on your hands

Its rude to ask guests to change their shoes in a house,

Generations of people were brought up in houses where shoes were worn in houses and managed to be absolutely fine

Yes, but that’s my point. DC will come into contact with untold bacteria naturally. Why smash it into the carpet and turn it a rubbish colour, just for shits and giggles?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yep, I was curious that’s all

i wpmdered if you have shoes you wear just inside?

fwiw, I have issues with feet and achillies. I have to wear bespoke orthopaedic insoles.

my indoor “slippers” are more like “shoes” and I have a pair of insoles in these.

my outdoor shoes, I have a couple of pairs of insoles which I move around form shoe to shoe, but I literally only have a few shoes I wear each season. Never was a bog shoe buyer and retired now so don’t have to wear worky shoes or heals 😍

always wear socks- and again I have brands of socks with support bands in wear

BUT: I take my indoor shoes and insoles with me to visit homes where no shoe policies in place. Especially as a few of those still have pets and it is gross walking across hairy doggy floors in bare feet or slippers. Special shoes or not

I just still don’t get why you wouldn’t , even with your special requirements, have different shoes for indoors and outdoors?

YANBU but you’ve shot yourself in the foot by not addressing it before now. I also think you should get her house shoes similar to what she usually wears or some nice comfy indoor trainers, then just remind her each and every time she comes into the house.

See my previous comment! Why add dirt where it is easy to prevent though? I assume that most people clean their carpets sometimes. Why make your job harder when it come round to it?

well you can think that, but it's not true of me. Exception to the rule maybe ...

There was clumps of mud in the bathroom today. As she is the only one that wears shoes I can only assume it is from her 🤷🏻‍♀️ unless it was something more sinister than mud but I will never know. If MIL didn’t wear shoes then I wouldn’t be able to blame it on her 🤣

I will ask DH if he’s ever seen her feet. It’s a good point!

I will take a look at the door mat thing. Thanks.

Why on earth did ye put carpet anywhere on the ground level, it’s kind of stupid given your obsession with dirt

This thing of not wearing outdoor shoes indoors is so ‘wannabe posh/ nouveau riche’

I have had severe plantar fasciitis since I was in my 20s and have to wear shoes with orthotic inserts at all times unless I'm in bed.