To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

Glad the days got better OP

I still think mid/long term you have a very important conversation to have with him as clearly this can't go on or you are going to make yourself I'll.

Short term give yourself permission to let some standards slip. As something need to give and that can't be you ❤️

> winced though that he can't even make sure the kids have had breakfast <

Sorry, but I just don’t accept that a parent who doesn’t feed their child breakfast and take them to the toilet when young is “doing their bit” and never will. That’s absolute entry level parenting.

I’m also really glad you’re feeling better but I would try to take a bit of time to think about why you think it’s ok for your DH to behave like this when you are feeling a bit more resilient.

I don't want to pile on because I know you just wanted a moan but he sounds like a lazy parent who's deliberately leaving things to you.
I don't believe for one second, he forgets to give your child breakfast. Does he forget to give himself breakfast? I doubt it. He just doesn't do it because he knows you'll do it.
And you say asking him to do it is too much hassle and it's no easier than doing it yourself. I strongly disagree. Saying "Please give Tom his breakfast now" is much easier than getting your child downstairs, preparing food, sitting there for 20 minutes while he eats/messes around, clearing up etc.
Stop doing everything!!

Just wanted to add - unless your DH has some mental deficiencies then it's really not normal to forget to take your child to the toilet when he's repeatedly wetting himself in your care.

No one is saying you should expect perfection. But remembering to feed your kids and take them to the loo is not perfection. It's basic common sense. It's not even difficult.

If I'd have forgot to feed my child as a single teenage parent I can guarantee I'd have been reported to social services. That's why I struggle and have little sympathy when men are excused from stuff like this.

Some quite horrible replies on here tbh, I don’t know why people jump on someone having a hard time with the “just you wait, it gets harder” comments. If someone’s struggling that’s the last thing they need to hear! Op I’m in a similar position albeit my baby is a little older (have a 3.5 yr old son and 14 month old daughter). Just wanted to say, I feel you! Broken sleep every night makes things so much harder. My son was an easy baby, my daughter not so much! I work 4 days a week and although it’s more than I’d like (seems impossible to find anything decent part time) those days are far more of a break! Not sure what your work situation is but if you’re planning on going back it may get easier then? Sending love, it’s tough.

OP, it's hard, bloody hard. But you are looking at the future thinking you will feel much better...and you will. BUT it feels like you are doing the heavy lifting and i think what others are trying g to say is all stages are exhausting..
When mine were teens and I was working all day...to come home and not have aline time..as they stayed up longer was really hard.
Of I could go back, I would write a rota of jobs and get H to visually see what he needs to do...even tick it off with times...no excuse to 'forget'....as kids get older it's good for them too.

I threatened to book a hotel room this weekend on my own for a break. I think all mums need just one night a month off. No kids, no housework. However I can’t go Friday as husband are work early sat morning. Can’t go sat as my son now has a friend sleeping over. I work mon-wed and the odd Thurs / Fri so couldn’t go work nights BUT I’m determined to do it!! I do the lions share of childcare (all school and nursery runs) most of house work. Husband does help with baby at night, baths her etc but otherwise all he does is work. He goes for nights out where as I don’t really bother. I don’t do anything outside the house apart from work. Thus, have decided I am using some of my wages for 19 hours off a month lol 😆 not saying this would work for you, but if your husband had no choice I guess he would HAVE to step up to the plate and watch the kids

Could have written this exact post myself. Same age kids and same issues with DH. I love being on mat leave and feel so privileged to get this chance, but that doesn't stop me feeling exhausted and drained and bloody lonely most of the time (DH works long hours). I feel you OP ❤️

Having a baby and a toddler is very hard work. I had 2 boys 20 months apart so.had a good year and a half before the older one was entitied to any childcare and even then it was just a couple of hours a day, that was 10 years ago now but I still remember how difficult that phase was.

I went on to have a third so had 3 under 4 and I made sure from very early on that I left my husband with them all for a few hours so I could have a break, I didn't want it to become a thing that he couldn't look after them all, we both chose to have them so we both had to be able to look after them.

My husband had some of the same issues as yours did but he will never learn if he doesn't have to do to it and deal with the consequences. It's important for everyone that you get a break and some time to recharge. Obviously a weekend isn't realistic at the moment but you should be able to go out for a few hours and not feel guilty for it.

Similar age gap. I put DC in nursery at four and five months each time and went back to work. Fees took the equivalent of my salary for over two years.
Best decision ever.
Twenty years on and never a single regret.
This bit is tough. Outsource it.

Kindly OP, it all sounds a wee bit chaotic. You need to have much firmer boundaries with your 3 year old in terms of behaviour and I would be sleep training the 8 month old. It sounds like things are happening rather than you running your household. You could have an army of people supporting you but you'd just be spreading the work if the fundamentals aren't right. It should be entirely possible to get everything done during the day most days so you can relax and unwind once the children are in bed.

I'm not piling on your husband. Of course you shouldn't leave him, how will that benefit any of you. Some posters just love to pile on.

Surely he must get annual leave? He should take a day off when the older one is at nursery and he takes the baby all day while you go and do whatever you want until nursery pickup.

You desperately need a break, if he can deal with one child over the weekend he can do it during the week for one day. You could do that once ever few weeks, to let you recharge.

I don't think there's anything less helpful than someone who is years out of the baby stage prattling.on about "make the most of it". How exactly does she make the most of crushing exhaustion, mental pressure and always having to be on?

Take off your rose tinted specs and think about what you're saying to this young mother.basically saying she should be enjoying this. I used to want to scream at people who would tell me that while i was struggling with baby twins.

And no, nobody knows what having a baby is like before you have one.

I have no understanding of why, OP, you seem to be under the impression that adequate parenting isn’t a skill your DH can learn. He absolutely can, he just won’t.

Comparing it to you not being a good DIYer? Come on, OP. Firstly, whatever skills you’re lacking in DIY don’t leave your DH exhausted and miserable. And I would bet that if it did leave him exhausted and miserable or he became disabled, you would adequately learn the skills needed.

I would more closely examine why you think you deserve a partner, and your children a father, who does not put you first. I suspect you push it aside because it’s too uncomfortable a realisation that your husband is simply not a good one, that he is indifferent to your feelings and he is number 1.

It’s funny how all these men seem to be able to learn the skills they want to, isn’t it?

OP as someone also in the thick of this having spent the last month home alone with two kids the same age as yours I can confirm you absolutely will be a better parent with a proper break. I had a day off last week where I just had some me time and was so much more able to handle the children. I actually think you should have a weekend off and offer DH the same, you will probably find it isn't actually much different fully on your own anyway if you do most of the work. It doesn't need to cost money, you could go and stay with a friend or family and just have a nice meal and bottle of wine together. Could someone help him with the kids so he could manage better in your absence? I haven't yet managed proper time away as when I had ti go away overnight for work the baby screamed for 24h. But I've since realised that if I don't ever go away no one will ever get used to it, and I know I'm a worse parent for not having had a break.

He can adequately parent, nothing to stop him.

Stop being a martyr, he takes them to the park for a couple of hours, you catch up on sleep.

It's really that simple.

No rose glasses here! I have 3 children, my husband worked very long hours and yes I was very tired at times. But I just got on with it and have to say that when my children were little (3 in 5 years), they were my happiest times.
Also not ‘prattling on’ (which is a tad rude) just putting out a different view.

OP, have you ever worked in an office where you have had to train a new member of staff?

At first, it feels like you're doing a job and a half, firstly you have your job to do, then you have the training to do, checking that the new colleague is doing it right, correcting their errors and showing them what they did wrong and how to do it right next time etc.

It's a drag, a big drag and a burden to do that training.

But then there's a turning point. You give that (not-so-new) member of staff a job to do and they do it both right and well, and it's one les thing to do.

Before you know it, they're getting tasks completed that you've not even asked them to do, they've just seen they needed doing and done them; what a win! They are making your life easier and taking some of the burden off your shoulders.

THIS is what you need to do with your H. He's not incompetent, he just needs training. If he forgets to take his kid to the toilet, well then H ends up with a load or pissy & poo-y pants to clean - do not step in and do it for him!

If the kids need breakfast, tell him "breakfast on a Saturday is your responsibility, if you don't make it then the consequences of that are a) the kids don't get fed, which is a pretty basic requirement that I'm sure you as a grown man should realise needs doing and b) your wife loses a bit of love and respect for you, because you didn't realise a). Which either makes you an idiot or the kind of father that social services needs telling about 🤷‍♀️

Train your husband to be a better father, you have 18+ years of this, per child. You shouldn't have to do it, but your H is clearly pathetic and needs some handholding through this parenting lark until he gets it right.

Quite frankly his inability to be a decent father would make my vagina dryer than the Sahara, so child #2 would have been impossible to have, but you seem to love him, so take his training wheels off and get him to step up.

We have a housekeeper who comes in three times a week to help with everything. I specified it’s not just cleaning, but stuff like getting the dishwasher done, clearing things away, folding and putting away laundry. It makes such a massive difference not feeling like you have to stay on top of “house stuff” with a newborn. Having a clean and tidy house makes me feel so much better too!

Yeah i meant to be rude. If you found that very mild word offensive, it's a good job i didn't post what i was originally going to say.

Telling someone who is on their knees with exhaustion that they should be enjoying it deserves a rude response.

OP I get it, I had a useless DP when the kids were tiny who got flustered and angry so couldn't leave them with him. All I can say is, this too shall pass, it's hard gruelling and shit.

What I would say is little breaks and often are the way forward. Go out for a couple of hours alone, enjoy the lie in for longer, get a cleaner (tidying is a pain but having a clean and tidy space makes you feel better), treat yourself to one nice thing daily.

Intentionally or otherwise some of you - not all - are being really condescending. I’m being lectured about firm boundaries because my three year old isn’t trained in tidying and endless lectures about DH and that really isn’t why I posted and it makes no difference if he takes them to the sodding park!

Stop going housework at night