To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

I hear you, OP! Of COURSE it gets easier. The baby and toddler years are a different kind of relentless.

I also have a DH who isn’t great with young babies/kids. He is amazing with older children though. He tries but his instincts fundamentally are not there. I have high standards too which doesn’t help (eg I like to limit TV time, whereas he is the first to put the TV on for the kids). So I absolutely know what you mean.

Essentially, it’s hard to relax when you know someone other than you, the lead parent, has got both kids for any longer than a few hours.

Have you considered going back to work early? Or put baby in nursery a couple of days week when you’re using accrued annual leave before you go back properly?

I really do not understand why posts by a mother desperate for help are overrun these days by people smugly saying they chose not to have DC. Why are you even on this thread? It does not relate to you.

@OP I have much to say about your DH, but no it does n ot get worse. It gets better. My non-sleeping DS has just arrived from uni with a bunch of flowers for me and is now cleaning the house. No, i do not regret having him, much as some posters seem gleeful at the prospect.

Is it worth checking with the health visitor about the weaning? Maybe the teething is stopping her eating. My Dd took a step back from eating months after she first started eating.

I used to wake my Dd to breastfeed her just before I went to bed. She would settle because she had a full tummy and she would sleep fairly well. My problem was I started getting insomnia! So I’d be awake half the night when she was actually sleeping.

The breastfeeding more or less stopped when I had really bad flu for a week.

I remember a friend of mine trying to potty train her little DS. She looked at her clothesline entirely filled with his pants, turned to me and said” maybe he’s just not ready for this yet, and I’m just flogging a dead horse here”.

When I was on maternity leave with my daughter. I partner did all of the cooking, all of the cleaning, nearly all of the emptying of the dishwasher. I struggled to feed myself breakfast and make a coffee and to wash the cloth nappies. That was my level

Our daughter is now 3.5 and since she was about 6 months old my partner has got up with her 90+% of the mornings on Saturdays and Sundays and I sleep until 10. I do 90+ of the night wake ups which can still be every 40-60minutes even though she 3! This allows me to keep on top of sleep which is vitally important for me to stay healthy. He does all the DIY, most of the cooking, cleaning of the kitchen. I do the washing, the food shopping (online) and hoover the house once a week. I have one day off a week but this is a day for me and my daughter and I do minimal house work on this day. We have 45 minutes between finishing work and getting my daughter to bed and she has to have 3 medications in that time. One has to be given with food and a second that has to be given 20 minutes before bed and not at the same time as the first. One day a week I do a pilates class and my partner does everything by himself to facilitate this. Every weekend at least one of us has a long soak in the bath so we get the break from being mum/dad and having to be permanently available

I think there is a big gap between where you are and where you need to be. You have low expectations of your partner and you come across as being fearful of any let up of what you currently doing as only generating more work and I think this has got you stuck. Fearful of the current situation continuing but also very fearful that adjustments create more work. You are on your knees and I get the fear but something has to change you can't wait and hope for children to get easier they get different. A nearly 4 yo that doesn't sleep and no longer naps is a lot harder to cope with than the the 1 yo that didn't sleep but then caught up during the day. I am knackered during the week. Everything is packed and prepped on Sunday during the week it's up dressed leave. I did it in 15 minutes this morning!

If your partner could do one thing on Saturdays to give you 2h where you aren't mum what could he do? What one thing could he do once a week when he gets home from work to help you make the week easier?

OP a lot of older posters have their rose tinted glasses on. I'm older, my DDs are early 20s now, but I still remember the bone aching relentless tiredness when they were tiny.

I longed to be run over slightly so I could spend a night in a hospital bed, alone, nothing too bad, a clean break in the leg would do. Or I'd dream about shop lifting and being locked in a cell overnight, alone. Seems madness now.

There were obv other issues as they got older but nothing like that desperate tiredness. If you have a good night sleep you're capable of coping with a hell of a lot that life throws at you. It's used as torture for a reason.

At that stage, i rarely did any household tasks once kids went to bed, do you really have to?

I'm sorry you're so tired, it absolutely does get better or nobody would have a second child. You won't be this long term sleep deprived ever again. Your husband who can't deal with toileting toddlers can definitely deal with driving big kids to footie practice.

Having said that, I'm going to have to refuse to believe that you too are 'imperfect' at anything on a par with failing to take little ones to the loo. That's pretty damn poor parenting. What failings do you have that match this?

You sound so stressed OP. I really feel for you as I had a similar age gap between my two (17 months) and there were absolutely periods where I felt so exhausted that just the thought of having to instruct or prepare for someone to take over felt way more overwhelming than actually doing it myself. I also had a husband that worked away a lot and worked long hours when he was around.

What I did do that I felt helped a bit was that I sometimes insisted he'd take the oldest one to his mum for a weekend and I would stay behind with the youngest. It wasn't a complete break of course but it felt much more manageable than having both of them even when we were two adults. The house also got a lot less messy and if I had a bad night sleep with the youngest then at least I didn't have to worry about the older one also waking up way too early.

For me it did definitely get easier as they got older. Sure there were some challenging times during their teen years but it was still easier to manage as I could communicate with them properly. I found the years when they couldn't express themselves and are just illogical and sensitive way harder. It's exhausting when they just scream, cry, refuse to eat, refuse to walk etc. and on top of that you don't get good conversation out of them. Very little perks in my opinion other than that they are cute.

I think for most people it does only get better, but for a few the teen years are horrendous, it all depends on what your child have to face.

Hi OP, I sympathise massively as my 2nd was an awful sleeper and it was the hardest thing ever, when you have another young child to deal with too. I'm also prone to taking too many things on myself, but I would've broken if I hadn't shared the load.

The best piece of advice I got was to let DH try and to not interfere. To give him his dues, you've had so much longer to practice managing 2, so how could he do it as well as you. He'd have had 2wks paternity of he was lucky and you were there at that time too. Give him a chance and don't criticise him when he tries. So that means starting with an hour and you popping to the shops at the weekend. He WILL manage and if you give him the opportunity, he will get better at dealing with 2. He won't do it the same as you, but that's ok. I understand it feels like more work to do this, but that will improve if you give him space to grow in confidence. It's hard work dealing with 2 children and it takes practice.

My DH was a bit crap at first as I'd solely breastfed and not really given him a chance. Now he's just as capable as I am, but does it differently, which I have to be ok with.

I don't mean this to be negative or having a go in any way. I've been there and it's so hard.

I hear you OP. When my two were little I thought I was losing the plot, I was just so desperate for a break - the younger one didn't sleep and neither of them really napped.

Mine are teens now, I agree to an extent with what other posters are saying. It's still full on and exhausting - much more than I thought it would be. One is often awake until 1am, the other wakes early, so there's not much in the way of downtime/privacy either.

However, the issues that comes with teens are easier to deal with when I'm not running on no sleep. They get themselves to and from school so are out 8-4 every day. When they need stuff it doesn't tend to involve me having to hold them while they scream for hours like the world is ending. And I can go away for a day or a weekend. So yes, it can be intense and stressful, but I do get a bloody break!

My DH, like yours, is a generally good egg, but he could be pretty useless when they were little, and I became the default parent. Over time this has caused a lot of resentment and relationship issues. It's been the main cause of most of our disagreements over the past decade to be honest. I think that's what other posters are getting at - often as women/mothers we kind of put up with stuff, try to be kind and supportive, try to keep the peace, but then patterns becomes ingrained and over time can cause bigger issues. I see this with a lot of my friends too, just buckling under the stress even with older kids. I don't think people are saying LTB, just they have the perspective of going through similar and understanding how it can pan out.

Anyway, I hope you can take something useful from this thread and don't feel too attacked! It is exhausting, and you will get more chances for breaks as they get older!

Yes, I could but the kinder thing to do is to sort it isn’t it?

It’s going to be really difficult for you to change anything this mindset. Being kind in this situation is not doing everything yourself- that’s setting you, your family and your relationship up for failure. Try changing it to what is the most fair thing to do.

The most fair thing long term is to ensure that your kids have a fully functioning, happy, healthy mother who ideally models a fair division of labour in the house and who doesn’t let herself be eaten up with resentment and anger. It’s also having a competent father who can be relied on to do their bit and as a result have a rewarding relationship with their kids. Kids can spot a lazy incompetent parent a mile off and the relationship suffers- so it’s not just for your benefit but for your kids/ DH’s too.

I haven't read the full thread, but I know what you're going through.

I have a 3 1/2 year old, a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

This is how we make things bearable for our family:

• I sleep with the 3 month old and the 3 1/2 year old in a room. My husband sleeps with the 2 year old in a room.

• Our 3 1/2 year old goes to nursery 3 days a week, our 2 year old goes 1 day a week, but from April onwards she will go 2 days a week

• we cook very simple stuff that doesn't require recipes or a lot of thinking (jacket potatoes with beans, stirfry in a wok ect)

• we both clean and tidy when we something needs to be done and when we have time

• we accept a certain level of dirt and mess sometimes if it means we can sleep/relax

• on the weekend, we take them to our enclosed botanical gardens in the city which has a wonderful playground for kids. Our kids just play in the sand pit or on the playground and need minimal input from us, we just have to follow them around and supervise

Op for the next few days why don't you eat with the dc, put them to bed and then go to bed yourself. Read, watch a film, go to sleep. Dh can look after himself when he gets in. Leave the housework, it's not important. Hopefully dh will clear up after himself and not create more work for you in the morning.

^
Agree with this as a starting point. Get some extra sleep. Don't wait on him coming in from work to serve him his dinner and wash his pants.

Of course he won’t change. Just as I won’t suddenly become competent at DIY or similar, we are who we are. In any case, he just isn’t around much.

^^
But op you could become competent at DIY if you practiced and you wanted to. I did. Plus comparing DIY to caring for your own flesh and blood is ridiculous.

When people are saying it doesn't necessarily get easier, they are right. Things change of course, but if you don't set down some expectations now you'll be the one doing all the dropping off and picking up to school and clubs, bringing to birthday parties, supporting homework , dealing with teenage meltdowns, all life admin, kids sick days etc.
your husband should be busting a gut to support you and his children, especially if your MH is not good.

@Backintothewoods Without wanting to sound judging (because I'm one too!) you sound like a bit of a control freak so you will make life unnecessarily hard for yourself. You don't want your DH to have the kids for a weekend because he can't look after them like you can? So what?! I'm sure they'll survive! You don't want a cleaner because you think it creates more work?? Assuming because they won't clean to your standards / move things around?? You say you're desperate for a break but not willing to let go of a little control in order to get one....

I think that while you are wanting a whole weekend, you'll probably find in reality that if you did have it, you'd be wide awake anyway and missing them!

You are not far from it getting easier. By four they can sit and colour and are generally interested in things for longer. One year olds sleep through better (mostly!).

But in the meantime, what small things can you do to make life better? I found in lockdown when working, homeschooling and looking after a toddler that an after tea walk saved my sanity. Just that bit of headspace was essential, even when I felt I couldn't be bothered.

Build something into the daily routine for you.

Warmer weather is coming. I found being out of the house as long as possible easier. I took out picnics. No crumbs or cleaning up to do. Made pretty much all meals for the day at breakfast time while they were easiest to entertain.

You can't change the relentlessness but you can make it easier to deal with. And failing that, you do get used to it!

Reading this thread reminds me of all the times I’ve heard that men can be really shit and insensitive when they try to problem solve instead of just empathising and being a shoulder to vent/cry on when that is what is really wanted.

Then you look on here, the OP explicitly says that is what they are after, and they get endless oats trying to problem solve (or worse, go down the “what did you expect” line).

It’s really shitty, and totally insensitive.

“Posts” not “oats” (although oats might actually be more welcome and useful than some of these posts).

My twin boys are eight and my DD is five now, so a similar age gap to yours. I remember so well how difficult it was when they were younger. There are tricky bits to navigate now, and I’m sure there will be more to come, but it is different to the sheer physical exhaustion from the baby days. It isn’t just the sleepless nights. I remember dreading even a quick stop at the shop because of the effort required to get everyone in and out of the car. Nothing is simple, and when you’re sleep deprived it all feels much much harder.
I would suggest that you try to get your youngest’s sleep under control, but I never managed that. My DD was a terrible sleeper, often up for two hours at a time in the middle of the night. I was a husk of a human. She still creeps into my bed every night, but at least she is asleep. And on nice days she and her brother can play in the garden without me worrying someone’s going to eat dirt. Or they can make up a game on their own, or watch a movie while I sit in another room. I’m saying all this because it isn’t practical advice for right now, but it will get better and you will get a break.

@Backintothewoods I have very little advice; I am in a very similar position to you. 12 month old non-napper / up all nighter / won’t be put down without screaming bloody murder & 2.5 year old 5am waker that is absolutely full of energy and needs to live his best life, no help, husband does is best but needs directing or it isn’t done, we’re skint so can’t afford to buy help, neither go to nursery (yet). I just want to tell you that I understand what you’re saying, there is no real break, it is absolutely relentless and exhausting, leaving them to it would create more work for you to deal with and you are just fed up of hearing how much worse this is going to get in years to come when you are in the depths of sleep deprivation and exhaustion. You’re not alone, I can’t help, but you’re not alone and I hear everything you are saying. You’re allowed a rant, you are allowed to carry on as you are because it’s easier than changing things, you are allowed to look forward to the future without fear of it being horrendously worse than this. I tell myself that it will be ok and I’d like to tell you the same xx

The thing is, she says she doesn’t want solutions because there are none. I think it’s totally reasonable to point out that there are. If the Op had said ‘I know I could ask my husband/get a cleaner/let go of some control but I don’t want to, then maybe you would have a point.

I had whole weekends away once I stopped breastfeeding, and no, I did n ot miss them!

Ok, but as I say AIBU is going to create a pile on so you dp feeling like it’s not helping is based on the fact it won’t help at all.

If he's away for work and in a hotel all week then obviously he can't do anything. If he's only out long hours then coming home and going to bed then he's not being fair to you at all.
Up to you if you want to accept this of course. People are angry on your behalf but I get that you're probably too exhausted to be that angry yourself.

lol at the poster who said I did not miss them! I think I would, I know I would in fact!

I feel better now. Last night was particularly tough. I’ve actually managed to clean the kitchen and mop the (very disgusting 🤢 floor) so that’s a positive.

I am very aware so many women are in worse positions than me … the poster above with twins, I often wonder how. I know of course people do cope because people have twins but I’m just in awe!

My DS was a relentless early waker too. He generally sleeps later these days as he’s dropped the nap but he’s still before 7 always but never really before 6. Half six is average. They tag team though so if one sleeps later the other doesn’t, I’m convinced they plot amongst themselves.

DH does do his bit. What he doesn’t do, and I wouldn’t expect him to do, is have both children all weekend. I really wouldn’t appreciate it and so I won’t do it to him. He can be a bit crap with things like making sure DS has had breakfast and so on. It’s not the end of the world and he’ll do it if asked but asking generally means easier to do myself.