To be fuming... missed parents evening.

[2under4]

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

He should have been there - even more as a teacher. He should know how important parental engagement is.

Also - side note - he should always have his phone on him - when my grandma died I turned my phone off during a lecture and didn’t get to see her in time. Phone on silent. Apple Watch that tells you who’s ringing or texting. What if you are unable to do something because you’re busy at your work?

i hate it when my partner thinks he’s more important than me (even though I guess sometimes he is) - my work matters too!

Both me and partner are teachers. Partner very senior, I’m middle. I do take on the majority of the mental load of kids, as I am part time slightly. But partner always remembers parents evenings - even if he doesn’t remember that it’s dress like a clown day for the national day of clowns.

Teacher and parent here. I have offered an alternative slot at home time to parents who couldn't make the one set parent evening, and have also been offered an alternative slot when I couldn't make one. Both at primary and at secondary. Just explain what happened to the teacher and ask if you can speak to them after school one day.

As for your DH, ask him calmly if he could commit to checking his phone once at lunch and then again once the kids have gone. Most schools I go in the teachers have their phones with them at lunch in the staffroom at least.

Also - side note - he should always have his phone on him - when my grandma died I turned my phone off during a lecture and didn’t get to see her in time.

I think that’s unrealistic, there are many jobs where having access to your phone isn’t possible. We’ve become too used to being always available and forget that many people can’t check their phone during the working day - in parts of my work it would be utterly unprofessional to be checking my phone or receiving calls. Her husband knew the arrangements and, as a grown adult, should have remembered and told the OP he couldn’t be there instead of ignoring her.

I have no idea when the shift changed for it to be acceptable to bring children to parents evening. It’s the one time for parents to discuss the children. The teachers can speak to the child at any point during the year.

The other kids are either a distraction or a TA has the job of watching them in the corridors - which they aren’t paid for.

i wonder where children get their entitlement from.

All this ‘oh but I don’t have relatives near by’ really? Find a friend and switch kids for half an hour.

It’s not the end of the World. I’m sure you can get a round up from the teacher of what’s been happening to your kid(s).

I’m sorry that happened to you but there’s plenty of jobs where you can’t have constant access to your phones. Not everyone can have smart watches too, depending on jobs, or even afford them!

I'm not sure why there is so much focus on his phone. He had a confirmed appointment which he said he could attend. It isn't OPs responsibility to remind him, it's his to follow through on commitments he had made to his family and if that was going to be impossible to let his wife know.

Would parents be okay if they turned up to parent teacher evening and the teacher (who is running behind due to earlier families) cancels the session to go to their own kids? I'd imagine the parents would be fuming in that case.

I know! Why does he need OP to remind him. I bet he never forgets anything work related

All schools are different, though. Ours does it from 3.30-6 and no appointments outside those times, and they request no children attend.

It's always a weird reversal as the working parents have childcare sorted and aren't scrambling (assuming they can get the time off work) while those who usually pick up straight from school are madly trading child-watching favours to try to make it work. School has relaxed a little bit recently and allows children to wait outside the classroom unsupervised, but that's no good for preschool siblings or even all early primary children.

No because the teacher should be stricter with their time. You have a 5 minute slot - that's it. You miss it tough.

Have you called the school to see when they can fit you in? In honour of constructiveness - I'd get that appointment and pass to your DH (since he was supposed to go). Everyone drops a ball now and again, it's what happens next that's most important.

He’s a secondary school teacher, not a brain surgeon. He has a family and dependents, of course he can check his phone at some point in the day. He needs a reality check, he’s basically just being a rubbish husband and father.

This exactly! I keep checking, unless I have it wrong DH was doing parents’ evening for his class?? How on earth is he to be expected to leave before he has finished? So that the OP can go
to the same event which look! is still running at her childrens’ school.

I have no idea when the shift changed for it to be acceptable to bring children to parents evening.

It’s always been acceptable at my kids school, I assume because they want parents to actually attend. You can’t always get a childcare swap so if it’s come without your kids or don’t come at all, bringing kids is a pragmatic option.

He is a secondary school teacher - he can check his phone at break, lunch and in between lessons. He will also have PPA time he can check his phone. I say this as a secondary school teacher. If in primary, he equally would have break and lunch too. I understand in other jobs you may not be able to but I’d say it’s unreasonable to not be able to check for longer than 4 hours. What happens if your child throws up? Who will get them?

plenty of women manage to be senior leaders in secondary school/primary school AND be present parents who step in when needed.

equally - he also knew about parents evening, and knew when he needed to leave as I presume he had it pre approved, so checking his phone is irrelevant.

however, I would argue that I’d never be allowed to not do parents evening for my own child’s parents evening and I’ve never heard of that being allowed - so there’s also a chance he just wasn’t allowed, but if that’s the case the OP has bigger problems and her partner shouldn’t be lying. As teachers you do miss out on some things (as in all jobs).

I think what I find odd about this is how he ever thought he would be able to make it in the first place. Our advertised finish time at Parents’ Evenings is 7 - very rarely have I actually finished then, so I wouldn’t commit to being somewhere else any time before 8 realistically. Unless this is his first ever Parents’ Evening (unlikely but not impossible) then I feel this is probably a case of not having really listened to the game plan in the first place.

If he genuinely thought he was finishing at say, 5pm, and then the conversations ran over and he didn’t get out till 6, then messaging him and calling during the day is completely irrelevant anyway. I vividly remember the Parents’ Evening where it was so busy I didn’t even get to have a sip of water between each parent and my tongue ended up swelling up. I’m secondary though, so instead of appointments where you call people into a classroom, it’s in the main hall so more like a bullring where they sort of come at you as soon as they see the previous parent start to stand up.

So to summarise: unreasonable of him to have committed (and not apologised); not unreasonable of him to not be able to let you know. But he definitely should have still apologised.

There is no way any maintained school or academy would sack teachers for having their phone out. They would instantly find themselves on the wrong end of an expensive claim, and they know perfectly well that there is a teacher shortage.

Exactly. In my nhs job plan I don’t have a lunch break! But of course I eat something when I can. Some teachers are just so ridiculous.

He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up.

I wonder how he thinks it's down to you if you're the emergency - if, say, you're about to be carted off by ambulance having broken something major, is that still your responsibility to sort out the children so far as he's concerned?

Not only was he disrespectful to you for not sticking to the plan that both of you made, he was also disrespectful to his fellow teacher (albeit one in a different school) who was left in that school believing that you were due to attend Parent's Evening, while he carried on with his own Parent's Evening.

It was an unworkable plan and he should not have agreed to it. That’s completely on him.

His reaction after was unacceptable. No sincere apology, dismissive attitude and making his wife feel bad.

I would be furious.

It would be nice if parents evenings worked like that but in reality a teacher can't force a parent to finish a slot when their time is up if the parent is insisting on keeping talking/ranting. So they can't then tell the next parents - bad luck missed your slot?

I think the problem is that men compartmentalise home and work. DH used to make work commitments for days when he had home commitments because he just never thought to check, and he never put home commitments into his work diary. He tried a bit harder after I blew up at him for managing to arrange something during a holiday. He tried to make out it wasn't his fault and that he'd had no say in arranging the date in question: unfortunately for him, I work in the same industry, and knew perfectly well that he would have been consulted about his availability before this particular event was fixed.

says in OP he’s primary.

It was his parents evening too so, just a thought, he might have been busy? are you saying you’ve seriously never had to work through lunch ?

the whole thing of someone staying at home was unnecessary, OP should also accept she played a part in making it complicated

Youve only seen an example of ONE day - how can you just assume he’s not a present parent! If someone threw up I’m sure the office would be contactable and they could contact the husband. I’m not sure why you’re making up lying accusations now! Schools across the country operate very differently to one another.

as with all stories on mumsnet - you’re only seeing the OPs POV. I’m sure her husbands tale would be much different and the truth would be somewhere in between so having a critical hat on would often go far on here.