To be fuming... missed parents evening.

[2under4]

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

I think the issue is 'checking out' all day for work and not being reliable for whatever he has committed to at home. Fine, dont check your phone, but stick to arrangements or call when you can't. It's usually men who have the luxury of focusing on nothing but work all day, because their partner is holding the Fort at home (and working as well most likely). Find me a mother who forgets to do things she's committed to for her family because she's too busy at work and hasn't looked at her phone for hours....

Our dc are grown up but DH was/is a workaholic and think brain surgeon genre.

When the DC were little, I covered all school stuff, all house stuff, etc. I didn't have a problem with it. However, had I needed DH for something (one parents' evening actually where his words as we left were "just find another school - I'm never having that conversation again") he was capable of managing his time to accommodate us.

Once mobiles came in, he could check his phone 70% of the time. There were times when he was in 100% work zone and was unavailable but I knew when they were.

Your DH is either incompetent or treating you badly.

To be entirely fair missing a reception parents' evening won't make any difference in the round but I'd venture dropping a card with a sincere apology to the class teacher and a box of chocs. She'll find you to say thank you. Apologise again and ask if there are any concerns from her end. She'll likely say no otherwise you would know already - job done.

He’s a primary school teacher. You clearly aren’t a teacher, going from your comment 😂.

He will have a work email which he will certainly be checking at lunch/break/PPA.

And also a work calendar. You have a husband problem.

If he was doing his own parents evening I can’t see how he would be able to leave - parents evening in my DCs primary school go on well past 6.00pm and, given it’s his job, it has to be his priority. He shouldn’t have said he’d be home in time and, assuming it’s not his first year teaching and you know when his work parents evening finishes, you should have had a sense that leaving in the middle of his parents evening isn’t possible.

In all honesty I’d have taken the kids with me, it isn’t about him having a “big” job, it’s about not being able to walk out of a particular work task in the middle.

Honestly, I’d forgive and move on. These things happen. I’d be surprised if your DC’s school can’t provide an alternative consultation, and of course if you have any particular concerns to discuss with the school, they’ll give you an appointment for that.

It might work to your advantage as a meeting with their teacher will be less rushed than parents evening.
Re: husband. He doesn’t care because he doesn’t have to. He knows you’ll do the drudge so it’s meaningless to him. Not good.

Can't believe the comments on here. But it's increasingly so typical of mumsnet. Dad's get excuses for absolutely everything and mums get slated for not being bloody oracles.

He said he was going be at home on time but he wasn't and did nothing to communicate that to OP.

I am a primary school teacher and know very well the responsibilities that come with the job and how busy your days are but that does not excuse me from my family responsibilities. You may not always have your phone on you but I guarantee you there is a clock in every single school room room bar the toilets.

He messed up. OP is not unreasonable to be annoyed. If she was a female teacher and asking if she was being unreasonable for not remembering her child's meeting and not communicating anything to partner she would be absolutely torn apart on here.

I don’t think it sounds very feasible that he'll be the sort of person to happily wear an Applewatch tbh. His wrists are far too important surely?

Your husband works ten hours a day, five days a week as a primary teacher.

You work two days a week

That's my take-away from this.

I agree - and I wonder whether he never really listened to the plan. Which is 100% on him.

I'm a primary teacher and a mother. However busy I am I don't have the luxury of being too busy to check my phone as what if my kids are ill and need picked up or something. The way of the world is messaging now. I don't want to miss a message regarding my kids for ten hours straight!!!

Not RTFT but you can bet your bottom dollar female teachers who are parents manage to juggle their own children and their job rather than rely on the other parent to do everything 🤷🏼‍♀️

He should chrck his phone outside of teaching hours. But also - if he was dealing with parent evening himself it seems poor planning to expect him to get home to watch the kids. Most parents just bring their kids with them. If the kids have to be in bed by 6pm then book an earlier slot. I initially thought the later slot has been booked to enable him to come too which would have made more sense.

Also, you can't just leave if parents might overrunning, just not possible, but I'd be very sorry!

No teachers get free pass on here

I think his attitude is crap and yanbu to expect him to have a better attitude towards you and his family life.

That said in OP’s example he was at work performing a contractual duty and he can’t just get up and walk out when he feels like it. You would be enraged if your kids teacher did that to you at parents night. He also isn’t uncontactable as the school office will have a phone and in emergencies, which this wasn’t, you can get hold of him. He is absolutely contactable the way we used to have to do it before mobile phones. Yabu to expect him to be checking his phone regularly in case you decide to try to contact him during his working hours because you do have an emergency option and if it isn’t really an emergency then you have no need to be contacting him at work.

This we are expected to be available 24/7 by everyone (yes even loved ones) is so intrusive. Have words about his attitude and his expectation that you do everything for the kids but when he’s at work accept he’s not there for your reminders and check ins.

I don't understand why you wouldn't take kids with you at 6pm, what children need to be in bed then? Also 6pm is pretty early for parents evening, we wouldn't have made anything before 7pm anyway, they ran between 6&9 at my DD's schools

I'd have been annoyed and disappointed but it's not the worst thing to happen. I'd have just taken them with me at 6pm, in primary I was only ever in there for five minutes before everyone had run out of things to say.

If you had missed your child’s parent teacher interview on that day, would you have apologised? Or instead would you have blamed your partner for having any parenting expectations of you such as you turning up to the thing you agreed to? We can all imagine busy work days. I can’t imagine the entitledness that comes with not apologising for missing this.

Contact your child's school and explain what's happened and rearrange a time with class teacher. Due to issues outwith our control in the past, we had to rearrange a parents evening. It's not a big deal honestly. Good luck🍀

Nope. Or at least not in my case. DH does everything. Only female teachers I know that manage to juggle everything successfully are part time.

Primary schools think we live in the 1950s in terms of their expectations of parents. The situation that a no-child at parent's evening rule would put single parents in isn't something that would cross their minds. Their only focus is on teaching staff so entirely feasible that they wouldn't want the distraction of children present.

Missing a parents evening isnt a big deal in itself. But not keeping to what has been discussed, decided and then not being in contact is.

It's also out of order to not be accessible for 10 straight hours of the day.

God forbid there was an emergency/life-threatening situation at home as soon as he gets into school. Would he really be happy to have no knowledge of it or come and support etc until he leaves work?

Is there no way to get in touch with him? Not even through a main school number?

Thats not right and needs to be looked at.

Which he could not do, if he did not have the support of his wife.