To be fuming... missed parents evening.

[2under4]

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

Its not about the single parents, Im not a single parent for a start. But it is a massive cop out saying that she missed an appointment she could have taken the kids with her to (as many people do if they are allowed) at 5.30pm! Its is just a very clear example that yes usung the other parent as an excuse as to why she missed the appointment unfair. Its also not about Dads getting a free pass, i dont care if he is a father or mother, the point is that other parent is stuck at work. Yes he could be more open with his communication (hence the comments in the rest of my post!) But the OP activly chose not to go and use the fact that the DH didnt reply as an excuse to miss that appointment, then proceed to blame him for her annoyance for that choice!

No I haven't. They don't have to listen to a word I say. If his job is incompatible with family life then it should be considered. If OP wants to go back to work full time perhaps then would be a good time.

Do keep an eye on it. I had a parent who worked with kids and it definitely built resentment when I got into my teens. Even if to an adult it's understandable it might need explaining to the kids.

A pager?

Similar boat. I hope you have found peace with the situation. It's tough and I think anyone with kids who works with kids needs to remember the impact it can have on their own kids if they don't manage it properly.

It's because it's teaching. If it were an office job in finance or something like that I swear the answers would be different.

How did we manage with out our mobiles? Perhaps you should have put a reminder note in a pocket or his packed lunch. But he sounds as though nothing else matters only his stuff so yes I would be really annoyed with him.

Oh my God, give over. Everyone's lunch break is unpaid, that's how employment works. And loads of us in other jobs end up working during that time, it just never occurs to us to moan about it. Do shut up.

In future contact the school he works at and leave a message for him... I'm sure he will start using his mobile after that lol

He shouldn't have said he'll be back on time when he was doing parents evening himself (and tbf you shouldn't have expected that either, definitely don't expect if they fall on the same day next time) but he did say he would so he absolutely should have let you know once he knew he wasn't going to make it back on time, then you could have changed your plans and taken the children.

And he should find a way to check his messages at least once the children have left the school, if not at lunch time. A smart watch is a good idea too.

I hope you can rearrange with your child's teacher. I know my DD's teacher is always willing to rearrange if a parent can't make parents evening.

I can't believe anyone is defending his Big Man bullshit.

Yes, primary teaching is insanely busy and stressful. 6pm is a very usual time to be at work still. But he has a family, and responsibilities, outside his job.
He made a commitment to be home on this occasion.

He owes you respect and partnership. Instead he sees you as a nanny.

Not really the point of the thread, but given how frenetic parents evenings are for teachers, I expect they’re actually quite glad to get a short break when someone doesn’t show, so i wouldn’t stress that aspect of it.

It’s the difference with being a man isn’t it? I can teach all day and yet still check my phone because I know my kids might text me or their school email me. I tend to take it in my pocket and check it when I go to the loo. I barely get a break during the day but my own family are still at the front of my mind because I feel very responsible for them.

Your husband is awful, op. For not prioritising his children and for the crap he's sprouting about not being able to answer his phone. I worked in a school for 3 years, of course he can check his phone at lunch and breaks. It what I did.

I had an incident last summer where DS3 fell and had a concussion. He fell unconscious for a minute and I had a breastfeeding 5 month old baby. DH rushed home after I called him. I couldn't be without that support in an emergency

I'm split here:

Firstly, he had parents evening at his own school which isn't optional for him. He should not have agreed to be home by a certain time so you could go to your child's parents evening. At my school (albeit secondary) parents evening runs until 8pm. I arrange childcare with my parents as I'm a solo parent.

Secondly, he is being selfish by refusing to check his phone during the day. If his school won't allow his phone to be accessible he needs to make the effort during break times and after school.

Finally, it sounds like he really needs to learn to prioritise his own children and say NO to his employer .

Not when it’s the last slot of the evening and they can’t go home on time.

To be fair, on parents evening days I wouldn’t check my phone as I spend lunchtime desperately marking and sorting for the next day as there won’t be time after school and after school I refill my water bottle and get started with appts so probably wouldn’t grab my phone. No excuse on other days though.

Yep I'd be telling him that. And making him responsible for organizing a meeting with child's teacher to get the info you would have got at parents evening

I prefer to think it was a joint mistake as they both agreed to a bad plan. The blame game is never productive and doesn’t help when moving forward to decide on a better plan that will work
Agree with this.

The plan shouldn't have been made in the first place because parents evenings are directed time and part of the job so the chances of a teacher being able to clock watch and leave at a time that suits them is low.

It was a silly plan made by both of them, which was exacerbated by DH not being contactable and the OP choosing not to leave the house with children around half 5.

I think the 'he cares more about other kids than yours' is such needlessly emotive language. It's his job. DH is a teacher and yes, sometimes he has to prioritise work. It doesn't mean he cares about those kids more than ours anymore than when I prioritise work it means that I care more about the people I manage than my kids.

It was a bad plan, but I do think he should really have spotted that in advance. Once it had gone wrong, though, he didn't really have much option but to stay until his own parent's evening was over. I think he should have been apologetic and it sounds like he wasn't, so I think that's crap. I don't think it's a huge indictment of his commitment as a father or a huge failure, though.

OP, you should have taken your kids with you. 5.30 is not too late to take the kids outside, FGS. Kids with working parents are in nursery and after school club til 6 every day, you are being massively unreasonable to have not gone to parents' evening. You really should have prioritised your own kid over your martyrdom.

I would be very pissed off that DH hadn't apologised, though.

I think you should have had a different parents evening plan, this one always sounded risky. But yes he should be contactable at some point during the day.

You have a DH problem, not a “it’s because he’s a teacher” problem. My OH is a primary school teacher and he checks his phone at break and gives me a quick ring at lunchtime to see if everything’s okay. He knows it’s important in case of emergencies. He does now have an Apple Watch too which has made life even easier. Sometimes there is a clash with school events but he always does his best to attend our DC’s events. He’s never missed parents’ evening.

As other PP have said, your DH needs to adjust his attitude and make sure his kids never feel like they are second fiddle to the ones in his class.

How's she supposed to know it's a bad plan though? She doesn't know what his work is going to be like, she isn't responsible for evaluating the ins and outs of what's going to be possible within his work commitments.

She proposed a plan. The point at which that plan failed was the point at which he agreed to his part in it despite knowing it might not be possible to fulfil his commitment.

Your husband was doing his job. He wasn’t prioritising other people’s children through choice, he’s doing it so he can get paid and pay the bills.

In your shoes, I would have booked earlier and taken the kids.

As you have missed the parents’ evening you can contact the teacher and ask them to send you an email with the headlines. Pretty sure the teacher will do that.

As for your husband not looking at his phone all day - that’s normal. When I began teaching in the 90s there was down time such as break and lunchtime and (had phones been a thing) you would be free to check your phone. Teaching is a different beast now and checking phones in the school day is often not possible - there is no down time.

My DP texts me in the morning and whilst I might just see it - I often don’t get a chance to reply.