Friends treating our Easter invite as their “plan B”

[Housebuyingfamily]

My DP and two DCs will be “home alone” for Easter as unlike most of our friends, not seeing extended family as they’re overseas.

As a long shot we put a message out to our friend group to see if anyone was also going to around, to our surprise a couple of people said they were around and had no plans.

We then thought, great, so the next day sent another message with an invite to those people to come ours on Easter Saturday for drinks and food. After a day or so they replied… to say they would let us know next week!

Am i going crazy or is this really rude? I know it’s Easter but we checked availability before messaging the invite. We only suggested it because they said they were free!

I’m minded now to pull the invite. I refuse to be anyone’s plan B!

@Rosestulips so in the meantime until next week Op can make no plans and needs to be equally rude to any other invitations?

The OP asking if these friends were 'around' first is a red herring in the AIBU question.

Let's say OP hadn't asked that first and had just sent the invitation for drinks and food. Not giving a straight 'yes' or 'no' absolutely suggests they are waiting for a better offer, which is rude. OP is not BU.

@puzzledout

Yes but invite to where? They didn't know at the time.

Sorry that makes no sense to me!

Not at all. Would you normally RSVP to an invitation immediately, or would a week be ok. It’s still a while until easyer, relax a little please

@Rosestulips yes I respond to that type of invite immediately, it's just a matter of being polite really.

I don't give the impression that I'm going to see if something better comes along.

See, I actually think it's probably because when you asked if they were free they said yes but with no knowledge of what you were inviting them to, if anything, so now feel a bit awkward and caught in the headlights if they maybe don't want to come to the event you're planning (it sounds nice but not everyone's cup of tea)! Maybe they were looking forward to a quiet day at home?

I'd never ask if someone was free before actually telling them what I was inviting them to. Makes things awkward.

But in some cases it’s not waiting for something better to come along, as an introvert for me it’s making sure I conserve mental and physical energy and don’t overbook myself.

isnt it more rude to accept and then cancel closer to the time than to say I’ll let you know very soon, which is what has happened here?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with what OP friends have said

Having no plans doesn’t automatically mean being free.
I love my friends (and family) but sometimes I just want to see how I feel on the day.

in future a message could be worded ‘is anyone free over the Easter weekend and like to do something together? Happy to host food and drinks on ours’
that way you have said what you’re happy to do and they in turn can let you know if they are free to make plans

So you'd let friends buy food and drink, cater for you, look forward to your visit, and then you'd just cancel on the day because you don't feel like going?

Basically let me translate you asked if anyone had plans some came back and said no same as you.
You then went and said all welcome to mine for drinks and food and they have all said we will let you know.

What it means is that they wanted alone time to do nothing like a majority of those of us who work long hours perhaps they wanted to unwind and do absolutely sod all no socialising just relaxing in the comfort of their own homes or weighing up doing something else with own family/partners.
You've sprung that invite on them and they have taken the easy option of we will let you know rather than say actually we just wanted time alone this Easter break. There's nothing worse than feeling guilted that you have to attend someone's party or invite, than truly having to say actually as much as we would like too we really don't want to this time.

That's my personal take on it.

Most families do some juggling even when they have ‘no plans’: what are the kids’ activities, etc.

They told you they have no plans.. that means no plans that they know of yet. They might be considering visiting relatives or a few days away.

It’s normal busy family life. They gave you a time by which they would give you an answer.

No need to take it personally.

i don’t think anyone implied that they would allow the hosts to buy food and then cancel.

maybe the OP is being too rigid with plans. It’s not a special occasion, they are being invited because the OP has nothing better to do and has invited the only people who are around

I don’t think I said that in my message? I said I like to see how I feel on the day (and therefore wouldn’t make plans)
if I make arrangements then unless I have to cancel (illness), I will stick to them, especially if the host will be purchasing food and drink. Apologies if it didn’t come across this way

Bad form to ask a general "are you free" then get upset if the follow-up specific invitation is not immediately accepted.

Loads of reasons they might be um-ing and ah-ing: knackered, loads on at work the next week, a family issue, your initial message might have even prompted them to start planning something else (before your follow up text the next day) etc etc

I do think it's annoying not to be able to finalise your plans, though, so it's fine to chase them for a response or even have a friendly chat and say "we might just plan something else if you're not sure"... or whatever. I just don't think there's any need to be more offended.

PS there are definitely weekends where I'd fancy going out for lunch or dinner, but not so been being at someone's house. Whilst fun (and lovely to settle in a homely environment sometimes), sometimes we as a family don't have the bandwidth for a full afternoon out.

You're being unreasonable and also ill-mannered OP.

It's unacceptable to ask people if they're free without backing it up. I'd invariably give a non-committal 'not sure' because it's so rude to ask such a loaded/testy question before issuing an invitation. I'm not surprised that people haven't answered definitively. You are not a Plan B, you tricked them in the first place, albeit perhaps unintentionally.

But in some cases it’s not waiting for something better to come along, as an introvert for me it’s making sure I conserve mental and physical energy and don’t overbook myself.

isnt it more rude to accept and then cancel closer to the time than to say I’ll let you know very soon, which is what has happened here?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with what OP friends have said Edited
Me neither.

We've not got firm plans for Easter weekend, but I know we'll be visiting some local family, DC have some commitments in the school holidays, I'd like to have some time to myself whilst DH is off work as I'm the one taking annual leave for the Easter break. I'd like to see some friends too over the weekend if possible, but would want to sit down with DH and look at our family commitments and whether we had enough downtime before making firm plans.
I thought this was quite normal for people to do this until reading this thread.

Aren’t they also your plan B?? Only inviting them because family is away abroad??

Just because they have no other plans doesn’t mean they are obliged to do what you want! That’s absolute madness! People have things going on. Free time is precious. Extended holiday time even more so. Your plan might not be what they want or need at the moment or how they want to spend the holiday. Doesn’t mean they don’t want to see you at a mutually good time or be your friend.