Friends treating our Easter invite as their “plan B”

[Housebuyingfamily]

My DP and two DCs will be “home alone” for Easter as unlike most of our friends, not seeing extended family as they’re overseas.

As a long shot we put a message out to our friend group to see if anyone was also going to around, to our surprise a couple of people said they were around and had no plans.

We then thought, great, so the next day sent another message with an invite to those people to come ours on Easter Saturday for drinks and food. After a day or so they replied… to say they would let us know next week!

Am i going crazy or is this really rude? I know it’s Easter but we checked availability before messaging the invite. We only suggested it because they said they were free!

I’m minded now to pull the invite. I refuse to be anyone’s plan B!

Also, I like to process plans first before committing. So eg if you said to me come over next week I would never say yes right away because I’d want to see what else I had either side of the invitation - eg if going out Saturday I might be annoyed at myself for committing to Sunday too. I might want to check how heavy work looked on Monday etc. that’s more about me needing clear free chunks of time to decompress so not applicable to everyone (it wouldn’t bother DH).

Christ they're your friends, what are you going to be like when your children are adults?

They obviously don't want to make big commitments over Easter at this point. They probably want to enjoy having 4 uncommitted days.

Just because they don't have plans, doesn't mean they want plans!

Another great point of view and proves why this forum can still be useful… after you’ve waded through the usual bitter crap from the “you sound like hard work” drones 😆

I guess OP might have suggested a different type of meet up depending on how many people responded to say they were free?

I think you might be an extrovert OP, and maybe they're not?
I'm an introvert myself, and I have to set time aside to recharge.
We're 'around' over the Easter weekend, but we want to spend that time relaxing as a family, playing board games, watching a film, playing at home, gardening, doing a bit of DIY, maybe putting the tent up for the kids if the weather improves etc.
If we don't window in family time it doesn't happen.
If I received an invitation from friends at this point I'd think 'sounds lovely' but also 'we need to make sure we leave family time, when are we going to do that' and I'd need to plan it in.
This might seem odd to you, but I both love seeing friends and need to psych myself up for it. Maybe your friends are the same.

My take is: you've no idea what's really going on with them. At least they're being clear about their indecision!

DH and I had a really difficult year. We wriggled out of most invitations because as a couple we needed privacy. As individuals we needed good friends.

In terms of (possibly) hosting, I'd adjust what I was offering and how much effort I put in, so it wasn't as much of a loss if they cancelled.

This is exactly why I’ve finally trained DH to stop replying to “are you around” type texts with anything other than “we’re not sure yet”.

Likewise seemingly casual “what are you up to this weekend” texts (often followed up with a request for a favour which will take up a good portion of our weekend).

A PP is correct, it does feel a little manipulative, and it’s difficult to say “actually we’d rather not come to you for dinner, but thanks”.

I haven’t even given Easter weekend a single thought yet, and a reply from me of “we don’t have plans” means we don’t have plans yet but will definitely need to at least visit some relatives depending on their availability, amongst other things. I’d need a few days to check with them before committing to anything.

Am I around? Yes we have nothing booked and no plans to go away

No plans means I haven't fixed anything yet...not that I plan to do nothing all weekend

I may do nothing all weekend
I may decorate the living room
I may clear out the loft
I may book a last minute airbnb
I may want to go shopping as shops won't be open as long/ at all on either good Friday or Easter Sunday
I might want to take the kids on a country walk
I may go and visit another friend and have asked them between your messages.

Saturday is probably the least convenient day of the whole weekend

Same here, I'm available but I don't yet know what I exactly want to do. I'll see closer to the time

You asked who was around
They are but clearly they don't know what their plans are ATM.

People don't have to say yes just because you ask. Trying to work out their plans for four days doesn't .Ake them awful friends who are dissing your generosity!

YABU. There may be a reason that you’re unaware of. Some people would just ignore you, at least they’re giving you a timeline for when they’ll let you know. Maybe if you haven’t heard by Easter Friday then assume they’re not coming and say the gathering is off?

Are you around next Saturday?

A simple 'why?' Is my usual response, I've been burnt before so I don't commit until I know what someone is trying to get me to do!

I think if someone asks if you’re about it’s a precursor to an invite, surely your initial response deals with that: yes, but most probably doing jobs, yes but waiting on my sister to confirm her plans.

Exactly this!

Honestly? I’d be more annoyed if they said yes immediately and then backed out because whatever they’d rather do was going ahead.

I’ve had people ask to come and stay for a weekend (years ago now) and then, when I texted to say that we’d got some nice meat from the butcher and what time are they arriving, they replied to say that their children had been taken to granny’s house so they wouldn’t be able to make it after all. I still bear a grudge about this - partly because the use of the passive tense irritated me so much - they had taken the children to granny’s, not some unknown entity.

It is all right to reply to your friends to say that, as you haven’t had a definite yes or no from them, you are going to do XYZ instead. You’ll see them another time.

“I refuse to be anyone’s plan B” sounds a bit up yourself. You cant always expect to come first in peoples plans surely? I didn’t take what they said as you were Plan B - more a case of they couldn’t commit yet.

Well, if they don't they should let the OP know a.s.a.p. rather than keep them hog-tied as Plan B while they marshall their excuses.

OP - I'd just remessage them graciously saying that, since you've had no firm takers for the proposed Saturday gig, you're gonna shelve that plan for another day, andcwish them all a Happy Easter. I'd not want to be tied up like this waiting for people to get back to me.

Being around at home is not the same as being free. If someone asked me if I was here over Easter the answer is yes. I don’t necessarily want to do whatever they suggest with my free time though.

However I hate it when the answer to my invite is to keep me holding on for an answer. I think it’s rude to keep your options open. Better not to reply for a few days instead.

If OP asked me if I'm around for Easter - well, I'm in the same boat as you. No firm plans, possibilities, weather-dependent outings....

And I would comunicate this - as in, no firm plans, but not necessarily free. If OP then invited me to a Saturday gathering I would decide PDQ whether I wanted to tie myself to that or not, and let the OP know my decision a.s.a.p. so she can make her plans accordingly. Basic manners. I would not expect OP to hold her Sat open for a week or more while I pondered my options.

Just tell them you need a firm commitment by X day so you can take care of logistics on your end. I don't understand the offense you seem to be reaching for.

Asking if they’re around isn’t the same as asking if they want to spend the day at your house . Maybe they chose to stay at home as they’d like a break from being with other people or they wanted to do their own thing . Just because they’re around doesn’t mean they are obliged to spend the day at someone else’s house . It wouldn’t be my first choice TBH !

Then they should use theulir words and lwt the OP know, instead of holding her time to ransome while they decise what they do with theirs.
An invitation is not a summons and, unless the OP has form for executing people who refuse her invitations, people should habe the manners to graciously decline a.s.a.p. with a " since we spoke we've decided to xxx. Butbthanks for the ibvite, have a great Easter, catch up soon". Not hard for people with an ounce of social.savvy.
The invitees are eithe socially inept or, as OP implies, viewing her invitation as Plan B, which is selfish

Typing fast huh?

Oh, the typos 🫣

you do sound like hard work, even from your thread title tbh… and @MermaidGin wasn’t even rude to you and now they’ve sensibly left the thread and a few posts later on you’re calling them “bitter” and a “hard work drone” etc

it’s no surprise that rather than speak to your friends you automatically assumed you were their “plan b”.

you’re clearly only happy to murmur in agreement with the posters whose replies you deem acceptable.

and people who ask if you’re “around” then get all offended when you can’t immediately confirm you’ll rock up to whatever meal/activity they suggest are generally tiresome types