Friends treating our Easter invite as their “plan B”

[Housebuyingfamily]

My DP and two DCs will be “home alone” for Easter as unlike most of our friends, not seeing extended family as they’re overseas.

As a long shot we put a message out to our friend group to see if anyone was also going to around, to our surprise a couple of people said they were around and had no plans.

We then thought, great, so the next day sent another message with an invite to those people to come ours on Easter Saturday for drinks and food. After a day or so they replied… to say they would let us know next week!

Am i going crazy or is this really rude? I know it’s Easter but we checked availability before messaging the invite. We only suggested it because they said they were free!

I’m minded now to pull the invite. I refuse to be anyone’s plan B!

And this is exactly why I never reply with “yes” if anyone asks if I’m free.
This thread certainly has me considering whether I want my default position to that question to become "not sure yet as we've got a couple of arrangements to firm up".

There's a lot of people who seem to think that if someone hasn't booked firm plans then they should immediately say yes/no to an invite rather than discuss with their spouse/relatives to establish what everyone's potential commitments look like is worrying.

This is another one of those areas where I think i'm from another planet to most MNers, cos I don't see how IOP is hard work, or see any other nastiness going on.

It's pretty obvious if someone asks if you are around over Easter, that they are potentially going to be setting something up, and she then specified what she was thinking of.

To then not do a 'yes' or 'no', especially after a couple of days as mentioned in the OP (plenty of time to check with partner/kids) is annoying and thoughtless, because it prevents OP from inviting other people in the meantime.

OP, I'd go back on that chat and tell them how sorry I am that they were so late confirming as you now have a full dining table and no room to accommodate them.

I've stopped inviting people like this at all unless there's space for them on the day. When they then say yes, I always wonder if they've ditched some other poor plan B person.

Interestingly, asking people that question in that way was something I was taught not to do... I have distinct memories of my mother chiding me and explaining that it puts people in awkward positions. Even low-key questions like "mom are you busy?" were redirected. Telling people why you're asking up-front is definitely common courtesy in my mind.

If I was feeling people out about tentative plans, I'd have asked "we're thinking about having people over for Easter, is anyone free and interested?" On the other hand, I'd interpret a question like "are you doing anything for easter/christmas/the long weekend?" as just a friend inquiring about any exciting things coming up in my life.

I don't think OP was trying to trap them into anything or being "manipulative," but I do see that as the start of a communication breakdown.

if someone asked me, I would just have to check with my husband we hadn’t got any other commitments but then then I’d let you know. I think you are taking a little bit to heart maybe

asking people that question in that way was something I was taught not to do... I have distinct memories of my mother chiding me and explaining that it puts people in awkward positions. Even low-key questions like "mom are you busy?" were redirected. Telling people why you're asking up-front is definitely common courtesy in my mind.

I can't remember where I learned that, but yes, it was a revelation to me at the time. Since then I've always put the reason I'm asking before seeking an answer to a question about someone's availability.

Would have been better if you had said is anyone around over Easter, thinking of doing food and drink easter Saturday? That would then have given them the option to lie and say sorry busy! They are now in a sticky situation as have revealed they are free so need to come up with an excuse not to come.

I don’t see anyone being odd and goady. Why do the friends have to give a precise and immediate answer? If you are friends you cut each other some slack

No it's not.
Asking people if they are around does not presuppose that they have not made their own plans.
Sounds to me like the OP feels that others should be so grateful for their invitation that they drop everything to attend.

Don’t over react. Are these people that you usually spend time with? They probably have their quiet routine that they are accustomed to and are trying to decide if they want to try something different.

It depends. It's not necessarily that you're 'plan B'.

If I answer that I'm around, I mean I'm in town and may be available.

However, this Easter weekend I may well have to work one or more days, given sudden illness in work. It would take a few days to work out with others if I could be free on Saturday.

I disagree. First of all, people have different meanings of 'around'. What does it even mean? Not travelling? No plans at all?
Secondly there are other reasons for asking, like needing a favour...

They probably want to chill out at home and now they're having to think of a way to get out of the invitation

Just advise them that you are proceeding with your original plan A. without their participation, as it needs to be finalised.

Yeah I hate this when you ask someone if they are free to do X Y Z on various dates (so a choice of dates) and they say oh I don't know what I'm doing yet. Basically they mean they are waiting for a better offer.

I agree with this^

... or it means that other family members might have commitments or wishes that might mean they're not actually free.

How many people can actually say, without consulting their partners and kids, that they're definitely available on specific dates?

This is borderline. If you first asked if anyone's around, that doesn't mean you plan a full on half day get-together. It could have been interpreted as just a question out of curiosity "is anyone else opting to stay at home this year"? Also them saying they're free doesn't mean they have absolutely nothing else planned. If these are good friends, I'd try to lock in something. If they're just acquaintances, I'd just make other plans and if there's a slot somewhere, maybe meet for a quick coffee/drink.

You were too vague in your first post and too specific with your follow up. Being ‘around’ over Easter doesn’t mean you have a whole Saturday afternoon to go to someone else’s place for a social with others. Maybe they’re around as in ‘yes could meet for coffee or a drink or do something out with the kids’. My priority is to get outside enough when I’m not working and make sure my kids have enough time outside (for example) so if ‘being around’ meant I had to be available for the exact thing you wanted me to do (come over and sit at yours for food and drink on a Saturday) then I might not be sure about that a couple of weeks in advance. Did you ask what they fancied doing and try and work something out together? Otherwise this is very much all on your terms. It’s not about being ‘plan B’ they don’t owe you anything. You either like them and would like their company and are therefore prepared to find out a bit about what they would like to spend a precious Saturday doing, or you don’t.

They answered yes when you asked if they were around.

They didn't say yes to spending it with you.

Maybe they were discussing doing something/visiting someone over Easter and had to hear back, before replying to your invitation?

I'm with you OP, it does sound like an ok if nothing better comes along.

But I'd leave it until next week, not chase them and if you don't hear assume it's a no.

Oh come on, it's obvious an "are you around on Saturday" will be followed with an invite!

Or it means I don’t know whether I will have the energy to socialise

OP is very impatient they said they were going to let her know ‘next week’