To envy women with a good partner that shares the load and affords them some luxury in life?

[Maclion]

I am single in my mid 40’s I’ve had relationships in the past lasting up to 2 years but never been married or even lived with a man. My last relationship ended 2 years ago and to be honest I haven’t really looked for another one. I have a lot of friends and I’m close to my family, I have my own flat and an ok job but I do sometimes get so tired of life on my own.

I look at the women around me who have managed to meet good men, who make good partners and who take care of them. My sister in law is an artist married to my brother who is a high earner and while she does have a career she loves her lifestyle is essentially bank rolled by my brother. She is 48 but looks amazing and much younger because she can have all these treatments, Pilates classes, expensive skincare, like she will think nothing of dropping £200 on a serum.

Another woman who works with me, but part time has a lovely life, anything she wants because there is a man there paying the bills and topping up her income and savings. While I’m wondering if I can still afford my mortgage payments as the cost of living keeps rising and it’s harder to afford my basic bills never mind pay for a social life or fancy beauty treatments.

I know it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship and I know that not every seemingly perfect relationship really is perfect behind closed doors but there are couples who are happy and women who don’t have to struggle as much because they do have a man to help with the cost of living or who earns enough to afford them some luxury in life and it’s those women and relationships that I envy.

Is it so unreasonable to wish I had that for myself?

Is it so unreasonable to wish I had that for myself?

Not unreasonable at all - but it won't make you feel better.

Such a mumsnet cliché, but it is true when people say that comparison is the thief of joy!

You’re not unreasonable at all. I get it. I’m married but I have to bankroll myself. I’m the high earner so I work full time, we have 2 small kids so life is expensive. I envy women who work part time or not at all because they have a high earning partner. But envy does no good. You have to find the positives elsewhere. Comparison will destroy you.

I think you are being unreasonable because you have no idea what's going on behind closed doors ever. Even if it's your brother, you will never have full insight into what their relationship is like or what both bring to it. You have no idea or right to say he is bankrolling her. My husband earns way more than me and I use my own disposable income for things outside of bills ect.

I mean it kindly but you come across as bitter and unkind the way you refer to your sister in law and friend.

I think you should stop looking at these two people as indicative. Most women with partners or spouses are working just like the single women, and not “being bankrolled’. At one point I was supporting my DH as he changed careers.

I bet there are a lot of people who look at your life and envy you OP.

I think most people in relationships are not living that kind of life. It’s not the norm. But I completely understand where you are coming from.

I have that. He’s not rolling in it by any stretch but he sorts the mortgage and we pay half bills each. I buy 90% of the food and we share holiday costs, usually he covers more. But that means I have more of my own money to spend how I like. He cooks, cleans and tidys about as much as me and would do the washing if I’d let him. He treats me well, respects and loves me- and shows it. I’m very lucky. But on here I’m generally vilified because he’s 20 years older.

there are always people who are going to have easier, better lives than you think you have, so comparing all the time or allowing envy to creep in won't get you anywhere.

I don't envy them. It gives me hope that there are still good men out there and that happiness can be found. I'm glad people are in good relationships, I wouldn't wish the crap I'm in on anyone.

I'm sorry what?!

Do you not read on here or know many people?

Most of us are raising the kids AND working because it's near impossible to cope on 1 wage at the moment.

I know it’s not everyone of course and I’m not always thinking about this but shit, life is so hard right now! I’m literally thinking of selling my flat and moving back home with my elderly parents or taking another part time job and Ipits not even like I’m trying to maintain a fancy home it’s just a small two bed flat.

I think it’s also that I feel like my chance at finding a relationship is slipping away from me now, before there was always at least the hope but not so much anymore. Then amongst my friends so many are now getting things like botox that it’s hard not to feel pressure that you’ll end up looking so much worse than your peers if you don’t do these things but they are very expensive.

I don't blame you for dreaming of something you don't have. But as others have said, you don't really know what's going on. And of course, how this "bankrolling" happens. I earn enough that if I was single, I'd be taking international holidays on a regular basis, paying for brilliantly expensive treatments etc. But I'm not. I live with DH (who is a relatively low earner) and 2 DC and the endless bills mean that I have a great life, but there certainly aren't that many luxuries. I just spent £10 on a serum... not the £85 I'd like to spend on the Clarins one I prefer.

You don't have the lifestyle you want but that's not just because you don't have a high earning man in your life.

YABU to think that every woman who has a ‘good man’ is bank rolled by him. I am the earner in my household and DH doesn’t contribute at all financially. He works part time and does do the majority of the chores and cooking

Maybe they feel pressured to get Botox and the rest of it because they're insecure in the relationship. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.

Theyre probably longing to ditch the husbands and live your life.

Comparison is the thief of joy here.You've no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

Honestly I'd not want to be the partner living a lifestyle of leisure being being bankrolled by my other half, and I'd also hate being the person expected to work hard so my other half can drift around the place having their luxuries. I'd find it very unattractive if a spouse wanted me to work myself hard so he can play in his man cave, have a hobby job, go cycling or playing golf etc.

A relationship that's respectful and equitable though in terms of sharing domestic loaf is something worth aiming for if someone wants a relationship though. Too many women have low standards and too many men are selectively useless.

You'll get a lot of posts accusing you of jealousy or bitterness OP. I've seen one already from a poster who probably has the nice lifestyle you aspire to: happy marriage to a high earner.

I think it's ok to acknowledge that some women have it easier than others without being "bitter".Allow yourself to reflect on the what if's then put it aside. We were always told as children that life isn't fair and our parents were absolutely right in that. It isn't.

I've never had a partner who earned well so I totally understand this. My family looked after me but no man had been able to. Arguably they shouldn't. But it is nice when it's possible. I work hard to be self-sufficient.

You sound a little bitter and dismissive, if I'm honest. I hope that your SIL doesn't pick up on your belittling attitude to her, that isn't very nice.

I don’t think most women with this life aren’t being ‘bankrolled by a man’. I’m a higher earner, and DH is a higher earner. We have a great lifestyle, but if just one of us was a high earner, we wouldn’t be able to afford the same home/holidays/going out that we can now. Most couples I know that have this sort of lifestyle both have good jobs. They might not earn the same but are in a similar ballpark. I would say a lot of men, and women, are attracted to someone of a similar level of education, similar focus on work (eg how focussed you are on work/moving up the ladder etc) and so on.

No hole that might be a comforting thought to some the two cases I mentioned in my op are very happily married, also neither of those women are the ones I referred to getting Botox.

YANBU. I get what you are saying. It is ridiculously hard to run any size household these days with just one income. And having someone else who might sort out the new energy supplier, or call up when the internet isn’t working. Or the boiler breaks. Having someone to share even basic jobs with. Then having someone share the financial burden.

It is hard being a single adult household. Sometimes it’s ok to wallow and think life is hard. You know you’ll have to pick yourself up and carry on with your day. But it’s ok to have a moment. Everyone is entitled to have a moment whatever they have going on that they are finding hard.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a break from worrying and the sense that you can relax a bit and enjoy nice things because someone has your back. I mean, obviously there are compromises to everything and no situation is perfect, but I can well imagine if you are coming home to an empty house after getting home in the rain after a days work with the bills thrumming around in the back of your mind most days, of course it's not unreasonable to wish for a life without relentless worry and work.

The truth is that many men don’t really feel this way about giving their wives this kind of life if they can afford it. I know it’s unfashionable and that women don’t feel the same way about doing that for men but some men take pride in offering that to the women they love.

Yes exactly, they do have it easier in many ways and sure they no doubt provide a lot of love and care to their husbands as well but it just seems like a much nicer life to me.

Also, yes I envy these women but that doesn’t mean I am eaten up with bitterness or that I resent and think less of them, I am glad they are happy and in love and comfortable, I don’t want their husbands, one is my brother! I do wish I had a similar relationship though.

The truth is that many men don’t really feel this way about giving their wives this kind of life if they can afford it. I know it’s unfashionable and that women don’t feel the same way about doing that for men but some men take pride in offering that to the women they love.
I'd question the idea that many men want to financially support their wives to float around having hobby jobs and doing her interests and living a life with luxuries.

Some will, but I doubt it's many men, otherwise there'd be no problem finding a man to give you the lifestyle you want.

Most will either want to have a fair split on financial responsibility (either being breadwinner with a SAHP or both partners paying their share) and domestic loaf, or more frequently wanting a fair split financially whilst the woman picks up a lot of the grunt work at home so domestic loads are not fairly shared.