To envy women with a good partner that shares the load and affords them some luxury in life?

[Maclion]

I am single in my mid 40’s I’ve had relationships in the past lasting up to 2 years but never been married or even lived with a man. My last relationship ended 2 years ago and to be honest I haven’t really looked for another one. I have a lot of friends and I’m close to my family, I have my own flat and an ok job but I do sometimes get so tired of life on my own.

I look at the women around me who have managed to meet good men, who make good partners and who take care of them. My sister in law is an artist married to my brother who is a high earner and while she does have a career she loves her lifestyle is essentially bank rolled by my brother. She is 48 but looks amazing and much younger because she can have all these treatments, Pilates classes, expensive skincare, like she will think nothing of dropping £200 on a serum.

Another woman who works with me, but part time has a lovely life, anything she wants because there is a man there paying the bills and topping up her income and savings. While I’m wondering if I can still afford my mortgage payments as the cost of living keeps rising and it’s harder to afford my basic bills never mind pay for a social life or fancy beauty treatments.

I know it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship and I know that not every seemingly perfect relationship really is perfect behind closed doors but there are couples who are happy and women who don’t have to struggle as much because they do have a man to help with the cost of living or who earns enough to afford them some luxury in life and it’s those women and relationships that I envy.

Is it so unreasonable to wish I had that for myself?

I hear you OP

Two can live cheaper than one and, all other things bring equal, a couple will likely have a more comfortable lifestyle. It's hard

I envy the women you speak of and I'm happily married. It's an unusual situation they have found themselves in. Usually we are all working and struggling to survive. My DH does bring in more money but it's for our bills, not beauty treatments.
I daresay those women leave themselves vulnerable for when their DH head is turned by someone who is most often younger. The money tap turns off then.

It's two separate issues really - I totally understand the stress of you being a single person with one income (and I remember buying my first house in that position and worrying a lot) especially right now. But that would be the same for a single man.

The being bankrolled point - I am always surprised by the number of women who see this as an aspiration still. Surely we're long past that these days? I feel like so many of us are battling for women's equality in the workplace and then there are others who just don't see it as important. I think it's really sad.

Be your own wallet.

Let me know where you get the rich ones so I can trade mine in🤣

OP I think if you do actively want to look for a relationship you need to adjust your thinking. You reference the women you know as having met their partners years ago when they had no money. Trying to meet someone financially successful 20/30 years on from university is difficult unless you're also similarly successful or younger and attractive. The playing field isn't as level as it was for your sister in law.

Look for a decent man who has at least the same income as you.

I'm bankrolled by my husband and as much as I'm very fortunate and living a pretty good life, I still work almost full time because I'm driven and enjoy earning my own money.

It can be a bit of an awkward place to be really, as I can sense the jealousy of people around me sometimes, and I get it.

So yea OP, YANBU in that respect. It isn't fair. Just know that you're a one-woman band and in this day and age it's a powerful and respectable position to be in.
You never know what's around the corner. At least you're set up in a decent career. There are plenty of women who completely throw away their careers and live in their husband's shadows, then wonder what to do when their husband works away, shags someone else and disappears, leaving them with nothing.

Unlike some posters here I don’t think you sound bitter, you’re just being human and honest. I’ve definitely been envious of a few people in my life, while I’ve tried not to be. But, ultimately, things have happened in their lives I wouldn’t wish for anyone - we never know what’s round the corner. But I hear you.

I think it’s understandable that when you have had to do everything yourself for yourself that at some points you just want to be taken care of by someone else 💐and sharing the load with a decent and loving partner does definitely make life easier.

A friend of mine met a very successful chap at 43, he subsequently sold his business to a global company and they are now worth millions and have married. But she already had a career earning a six figure sum and is extremely compelling and seductive.

Of course it’s not unreasonable. It’s how you feel. It’s nice to have someone to share the burden of life and its expenses with. I tend to escape any twinges of envy that I ever feel by doing wholesome things that I enjoy like sewing, gardening or reading. And when I really think about it, I always find reasons for actually not really wanting someone else's life.

YABU. Aim to earn your own money. I've been single for 15 years and the last thing I'd want is a man to be able to say to me that I only have my lifestyle because of him. No way.

Im in my 50s and tbh...itd be nice just to have a kind lovely bloke who treats me really well and doesnt want anyone else..one who pulls his weight around the house, organises dates, etc. i don't need things, just a decent bloke and tbh most of those are taken.

My partner doesn't earn enough to afford me a "life of luxury". But I wouldn't trade him for any high earner. He loves and supports me, takes equal responsibility for our home, and my child.

I don't think marrying a guy who earns alot of money is the key to a fulfilled life.

You want a sugar daddy.

An equal partners if a good but even better to is be able to pay for things yourself. It’s 2024.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to have the perception some women may have an easier life than you financially and you do acknowledge you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. Part of the way you are feeling may be down to having no-one to fall back on financially or emotionally the way someone in a good relationship would expect.

Like you I have generally observed financially imbalanced relationships where the male is by far the higher earner in most cases. Like you I've seen plenty of their partners having loads of time for self care, shopping and social activities while their partner runs the business. To be honest it looks like a very nice life to me too. But some of them will be discontented for whatever reason; their partner’s a bastard, he’s shagging someone else, he’s a workaholic, she’s bored of him - who knows. Remember they won’t necessarily have security should things go tits up, so no-one gets an easy ride all the time.
I also don't think you notice the ones where the female is the super high earner as much as she’s too busy working to hang out at the spa all day and he does something else to get the day in!

Im married to a v high earner who's also the most incredible, thoughtful husband. I don't work and still he tries to think of ways to make my life easier on a daily basis. He just wants me to be happy.

However, there are other things about OTHER people's lives that I may envy.. such as friends whose children seem to sail through life.. people who find it easier to form close friendships.. so I don't think you can just look at someone's life and think it's perfect. There's always something about it that isn't.

Spot on.. you are fulfilled. This is what I wish for my kids. Although a bit of money on top of it doesn't hurt either maybe!

YANBU. Life is unfair. Some people are just dealt an easier hand. I know women who are lazy and live through the success of their partner. They have options that their wealth affords them. Of course it’s harder to do things yourself, but that’s life unfortunately. Not everyone can meet Mr Right (whether that be a high earner or simply someone kind). You just have to be at peace with your lot.

To be blunt some of those women do have it a lot better than you. I hate to break it to all of those who make themselves feel better by trotting out the tired ‘behind closed doors’ phrase but most of the women you mention are perfectly content and happy with their lot in life. Is it fair… probably not.

At the end of the day though…being jealous of them does absolutely to better your situation. They are not sparing a thought on you. So if I were you (and I have been)… acknowledge your feelings and get over it. Use the headspace for finding ways to make your life better (if that means more money, more contentment, more relationships, whatever that looks like to you).

saltinesandcoffeecups
It's not about trotting out "behind closed doors" to make people feel better. It's just a fact of life that none of us know the ins and outs of other people's relationships.

A couple could have have many changes in circumstances or health or financial changes in circumstances that they choose not to broadcast but it affects their lifestyle choices. They might have had relationship difficulties and resolved them, or they might have chosen to be very proactive in creating the marriage they want Vs drifting along and that's why they've got a happy and thriving marriage. One person might present one face publicly but harbour resentment. One person might get to a point where they feel trapped because they realise they're dependent on their spouse but they've not got the means to leave so they feel they've settled and are plodding along. They might have got to the point where they've sat down and reviewed their goals and priorities as a couple and decided their current arrangement is the best indefinitely or they might have an agreement to review it in time.

It doesn't mean that anyone who seems happy must be secretly miserable. It just means we've not got the full picture because we aren't part of that relationship. Any envy is based on a partial picture of someone's circumstances.

Well yes I do agree with you here, it probably is true that a couple who have been together since they were very young, been though thick and thin probably feel very much like they are a pretty solid unit, or even a singular entity so that there is unlikely to any resentment and there isn't any sense of that is my money vs your money. I know my DB and SIL have all joint bank accounts although they have some separate savings to take advantage of certain financial benefits but DB splits everything equally between their savings, pensions etc so everything is shared. If anything happened to his wife and he met someone else I doubt he'd have the same arrangement with her.

I suppose if its a new relationship where a wealthy man wants to take care of his girlfriend then that has more transactional overtones and typically seems to involve a younger trophy type wife. I suppose it can happen but its much rarer and probably not appealing to me.

Still that doesn't mean I don't feel sad that I don't have that or even just another regular earner to share the burden life's expenses with.

Of course there are good men/partners. Christ nobody wishes for a shit one do they. You’d be bloody insane not to want one!

I do not envy women living off someone else's earnings. Women should always have their own money and I do admit to having a healthy type of envy for women who are minted through their own hard graft.

I agree with this as well, sometimes some women just get lucky, they meet a lovely man when they are young who adores them, is faithful, works hard and they are happy together. Of course they will have their problems and suffer losses, we all do but that doesn't mean they haven't been lucky. I also think its not some awful thing to feel envious of that and to acknowledge that, I'm not eaten up with bitterness but I'm sad I don't have that in any measure and its ok to admit that.