To envy women with a good partner that shares the load and affords them some luxury in life?

[Maclion]

I am single in my mid 40’s I’ve had relationships in the past lasting up to 2 years but never been married or even lived with a man. My last relationship ended 2 years ago and to be honest I haven’t really looked for another one. I have a lot of friends and I’m close to my family, I have my own flat and an ok job but I do sometimes get so tired of life on my own.

I look at the women around me who have managed to meet good men, who make good partners and who take care of them. My sister in law is an artist married to my brother who is a high earner and while she does have a career she loves her lifestyle is essentially bank rolled by my brother. She is 48 but looks amazing and much younger because she can have all these treatments, Pilates classes, expensive skincare, like she will think nothing of dropping £200 on a serum.

Another woman who works with me, but part time has a lovely life, anything she wants because there is a man there paying the bills and topping up her income and savings. While I’m wondering if I can still afford my mortgage payments as the cost of living keeps rising and it’s harder to afford my basic bills never mind pay for a social life or fancy beauty treatments.

I know it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship and I know that not every seemingly perfect relationship really is perfect behind closed doors but there are couples who are happy and women who don’t have to struggle as much because they do have a man to help with the cost of living or who earns enough to afford them some luxury in life and it’s those women and relationships that I envy.

Is it so unreasonable to wish I had that for myself?

I know it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship

You know, it's the rhetoric on here but I actually feel differently

@Bunnyhopskip I get what you are saying and for a long time I did feel very proud and I really valued my independence but even that is no guarantee, look at me the world, the economy changed around me and now I am struggling financially like many people I suppose. Perhaps if I’d been less identified with my independence I’d be in a happy marriage by now and in a better place financially as part of a couple?

OK perhaps I should have said 'almost always'. But actually, I don't agree with you - even when, for eg, a very beautiful woman is supported without apparent strings by a man with greater economic power, she will know that she is at least in part valued for her physical appeal, which is extrinsic to her actual self.

@LolaSmiles May I get the recipe for Domestic Loaf please?

My dh is the higher earner and if it wasn't for him, l would have to work full time, holidays would be less frequent and there would be less money to spare. But it's only because l had his child that l do earn less and work less hours and sometines he can be a grumpy twat that l think hmm l could live on less money if it means not putting up with his bad moods. My friends in similar situations say the same.
Honestly op, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and to be self sufficient is better than being with the wrong person.

I think you are still putting in a lot of proviso’s and conditions to something that is at least some cases isn’t conditional. Yes my sil is beautiful and looks much younger but will my DB still love her and treat her like a queen when she is 70 and has grey hair and wrinkles, I think he will.

Yanbu. I'm 60 and while I have lived with someone and I have a ds, I have never met a decent man who could be trusted.

I'm lucky that my career lasted, my mortgage will be paid off next year and I have an moderate pension, but I know what you mean.

It would be nice to have a partner who I could talk to and share things with, rather than someone who just wanted a cook/house keeper and a free house.

Hmmmm...I often think it must be hard for women with wealthy husbands. Sure, they often get to enjoy the fruits of his labour but it comes at a price. Her career or ambitions will often be a lower priority and he ultimately often holds the financial reins. The husband usually has less free time because of his big important job and the time he has is often spent on golf or some other hobby. It's a guilded cage. I think I read the quote on Mumsnet one time that if you marry rich then you'll pay for it for the rest of your life.

YANBU.

I earn pretty well, but my DH earns a lot more. When we had kids, I was able to stay at home with them until they started school. He's also a lovely husband and a great dad.

We're fairly close to retirement now and neither indulges in much luxury, but we're in good financial shape.

I wouldn't give up completely. I have friends who married very well in their 40s.

I think by focusing on others you are focusing on the wrong thing.

What are you doing to meet someone? Online dating, asking friends to set you up, going places & doing things that all you mix with more people?

What you are doing about job if you desire more money?
Have you looked at a move, promotion, upskilling etc

Just to point out that while a lot of the comments are saying I am being unreasonable, not all but most. However the majority of people responding to the pole are saying I am not being unreasonable, interesting!

YANBU in that these women and couples definitely do exist, and you are gracious in your well wishes for them.

However, you sound like a passive participant in your own life. As though an income commensurate with your spending wishes isn't down to you; or as though it's not within your gift to find a loving relationship. You're also probably only half way through your life, hopefully.

Maybe you could use this understanding to motivate yourself to go out and get what you want.

I know many, many more men being bankrolled by their female partners than the other way around tbh.
In cases where the men are the main financial support, the women more than make up for it in the form of childcare/ domestic labour. Wouldn’t say that very often happens the other way around.

Hmm, I have the kind of DH I think you're talking about OP. I haven't worked for nearly 2 decades (since the kids) and he doesn't expect me to go back. But he made a lot of money because I supported him - that's the flip side. I didn't 'bag a rich man' - we met at uni age. Now 50! I don't begrudge him anything and vice versa. I know lots of men like this. In fact, most of our friends are very similar. I think MN has a tendency to put a negative spin on other people's relationships and always look for the worst. But there are millions / billions of marriages in the world such as you describe and like mine, with decent respectful men, and they're all fine. It's never too late OP!

This. I’m to some extent like those two women and out of a peer group of hundreds- work, family, local friends (I’ve lived in a posh area for 10+ years and am pretty sociable) school and University- I’d say that’s the experience of about 10% of women. And many of them have had earth shattering losses.
What I think you’re describing is loneliness

I can understand how you feel even though I’m married. He doesn’t bankroll me but I was fortunate enough to be a sahp for a number of years

However, he drives me nutty and, in all honesty, if I could afford to have my own place and live by myself, I would. So in a way, I envy you.

I can see why one would envy someone who has found a kind, caring, fun partner.

I can't see why one would envy someone who can't stand on their own two feet and needs someone to work to pay for their lifestyle. That screams loser to me.

You aren't wrong in thinking that op. Life is easier with a decent man and more money. Everyone knows that.

I hope you meet someone nice soon.

Hmm, fuck that shit.

I want to be the one that is earning as much as I can in a job that I love and treating the people around me. I don’t want to be bankrolled, I don’t want someone else to pay my way. I want to treat myself.

Why not if you can still live OK? Economically inactive here but contributing to society in other ways. And I pay tax, before you jump.

I don’t understand why the women you describe in your OP are the source of envy.

I have always earned my own money and would never make myself financially dependent on anyone. It would be unthinkable.

I could understand being envious of women with hugely successful careers whose success affords them a luxurious life, but someone whose husband pays for their pilates classes, really?

What's wrong with being economically inactive?

Why not be economically inactive in order to do other things you enjoy more: raise children, pursue hobbies, unpaid work, commit to a faith and serve your chosen god, retire, invest your millions of gold coins. There are endless ways to live a fulfilled and productive life.

What an odd comment.

Good for you! I genuinely hope you enjoy every second!
I (a single mother) was made a comment for about money for every other women I was out with to confess they didn't know what was in their bank accounts as they never felt the need to check.
My sister (works part time) just applied for a new job- and didn't have the foggiest what her salary in her current job was!

Stop whining fgs and make some changes to your life while you still can. Life is hard for many people in different ways.
As a start watch the film Bridesmaids and really listen to the speech Melissa McCarthy delivers to Kristen Wiig about self pity.
Oh and btw, I’m off to Pilates tonight, it’s only £6 where I live. If you’re really skint and that’s too steep then I’m genuinely sorry for you, I’ve been in that position. But sometimes it’s just about what you prioritise your money on. Good luck.

Agreed. I have a relative who was always a SAHM, never worked. She loves it, her children are now grown, husband retired and they go on lots of holidays together.

Of course someone can say 'we don't really know if she's happy/what goes on behind closed doors' etc, but tbh I think that's something people say to make themselves feet better.

Some people have nice lives with little stress, whether they're wealthy or an average earner.

Some people have all sorts going on behind closed doors whether they're wealthy or not.