To envy women with a good partner that shares the load and affords them some luxury in life?

[Maclion]

I am single in my mid 40’s I’ve had relationships in the past lasting up to 2 years but never been married or even lived with a man. My last relationship ended 2 years ago and to be honest I haven’t really looked for another one. I have a lot of friends and I’m close to my family, I have my own flat and an ok job but I do sometimes get so tired of life on my own.

I look at the women around me who have managed to meet good men, who make good partners and who take care of them. My sister in law is an artist married to my brother who is a high earner and while she does have a career she loves her lifestyle is essentially bank rolled by my brother. She is 48 but looks amazing and much younger because she can have all these treatments, Pilates classes, expensive skincare, like she will think nothing of dropping £200 on a serum.

Another woman who works with me, but part time has a lovely life, anything she wants because there is a man there paying the bills and topping up her income and savings. While I’m wondering if I can still afford my mortgage payments as the cost of living keeps rising and it’s harder to afford my basic bills never mind pay for a social life or fancy beauty treatments.

I know it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship and I know that not every seemingly perfect relationship really is perfect behind closed doors but there are couples who are happy and women who don’t have to struggle as much because they do have a man to help with the cost of living or who earns enough to afford them some luxury in life and it’s those women and relationships that I envy.

Is it so unreasonable to wish I had that for myself?

What about women like my SIL who earns her own money and has a good career but also an even higher standard of living due to her husbands income, best of both worlds if you ask me.

It sounds like things are quite tough for you and it must be hard not to have someone to share the load. But I absolutely would not want to be "bank rolled" by a man and do not envy that at all. I have a wonderful husband who contributes roughly equally both financially AND in terms of housework, admin and (in the past) childcare. We both earn well. Between us, the equivalent of very well, I guess. Money's not particularly a constraint, though I have no desire to drop £200 on a face serum. In the past he earned more than me. Now I earn more than him. I much prefer that sense of equality to the feeling of being "bank rolled". If I was on my own for whatever reason, I know I could still live pretty well.

I don’t understand why you aren’t focused on earning more, doing something to increase your earning capacity rather than being envious as you want a bloke to bank roll you.

See I am being told not to be bitter or envious but its not me assuming that these women are all sitting ducks for when their husbands leave, perhaps for some its too much to think that women like this might actually be happily married and they both still work and earn money, one quite a good living at that and they other could easily scale up if the worst should happen.

Are you wanting to be a woman version of a “cocklodger” ?

Because I like the idea of being taken care of to a certain extent, because I want the relationship as well, the partner and not to have to do it all on my own.

I never said I'd be giving up work did I? Nor are either of the women I mention any version of a "cock lodger" if you read what I wrote.

I am and I'm fed up of being on my own.

OP, I get it, being on your own for everything is tiring and wears you out at times, even if it offers you freedom on the other hand. Especially at the moment, one income just doesn't seem enough for everything and it's ok to wonder if things would be different with a wealthier partner. It's a tiny bit of a fantasy though, probably for lots of women with partners on here!

Op does your brother offer you any financial support at all? My dh is like your brother and his sister struggles financially. Dh puts a lump sum in her account every month (as well as paying her health insurance) but she always tells him it doesn't go far enough.

I hear you OP! I've been envious of artist wives for years. I'd like to waft about pursuing an artistic career but I'm the main breadwinner so there's no chance of that.

I dislike capitalism and our unfair society where we're all supposed to be ok with financial inequality.

If I was single and childless, no way would I want a man bankrolling me. I'm far too independent and don't see why I should live off someone else's earnings. But as a mother, carrying the mental load for the family and living on one income is hard.

I guess I sort of envy it, but then I think if it went tits up, their lifestyle would have to markedly change. I wouldn't feel comfortable being that reliant on a man for my financial security.
It's definitely cheaper to be in a couple, but having seperate finances is really important.
I think you may lack resilience if you have always had a rich man supporting you.

It’s not unreasonable to sometimes wish your life was different or think someone else’s looks so much better. Dwelling on it isn’t going to make you happy though so it’s probably better for you to focus on enjoying what you do like and changing what you don’t (easier said than done!) I love my job and I’d miss it but sometimes I wish I just had to look after the house and the kids or that my OH did that while I went to work. As it is we are both always juggling work and house and kids and volunteering, which can be knackering. Must be even harder doing it all on your own with less money. I tend to agree you are better off alone than with a bad partner but I’m less convinced you are better off alone than with an ok partner. Having two incomes, two people to do all the jobs & someone to share the ups and downs of life with is probably worth compromising on various things for. My OH can be infuriatingly unable to see that just because he doesn’t care about something doesn’t mean it’s invalid for other people to care about it & he can be so blummin abrupt to the point it’s really rude. On the other hand he is very fair and he does lots to demonstrate he cares about us from simple stuff like proactively checking household jobs and sorting them out through to bigger things like booking something for me to do with friends as a surprise (which l know takes a bunch of planning to find dates etc as we are all working mums to primary age kids) or using an unexpected bonus to buy us all something nice as a family. If I posted some things he’s said or done when he’s stressed out at work and in a mood on mumsnet I’m sure people would say I should leave him/id be better off alone. If I posted other things he’s said and done they’d say I was super lucky. I’d imagine a lot more people have reasonably happy but imperfect relationships with ups and downs than endlessly happy & easy ones. I actually think the imperfect ones are also worthwhile. You just have to weigh up if there is enough good that for you it overcomes whatever bad bits there are.