To envy women with a good partner that shares the load and affords them some luxury in life?

[Maclion]

I am single in my mid 40’s I’ve had relationships in the past lasting up to 2 years but never been married or even lived with a man. My last relationship ended 2 years ago and to be honest I haven’t really looked for another one. I have a lot of friends and I’m close to my family, I have my own flat and an ok job but I do sometimes get so tired of life on my own.

I look at the women around me who have managed to meet good men, who make good partners and who take care of them. My sister in law is an artist married to my brother who is a high earner and while she does have a career she loves her lifestyle is essentially bank rolled by my brother. She is 48 but looks amazing and much younger because she can have all these treatments, Pilates classes, expensive skincare, like she will think nothing of dropping £200 on a serum.

Another woman who works with me, but part time has a lovely life, anything she wants because there is a man there paying the bills and topping up her income and savings. While I’m wondering if I can still afford my mortgage payments as the cost of living keeps rising and it’s harder to afford my basic bills never mind pay for a social life or fancy beauty treatments.

I know it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship and I know that not every seemingly perfect relationship really is perfect behind closed doors but there are couples who are happy and women who don’t have to struggle as much because they do have a man to help with the cost of living or who earns enough to afford them some luxury in life and it’s those women and relationships that I envy.

Is it so unreasonable to wish I had that for myself?

Maclion
my friends tried to tell me this too🙈👍😅❤️

Oh and you have a 2bed flat! Rent out the spare room and enjoy some extra money!

Nah it's fairly normal to be envious of people who have it better. Why wouldn't you be? Why is it so bad to be 'bitter', it's basically telling women they should never complain.
It's not everything to be in a relationship though. And loads of people's relationships don't work out and even those who are still together aren't necessarily happy, even if they tell social media they are.

I don’t think so. I’m finally in a loving, supportive and all-round brilliant relationship after years of terrible, short lived ones and there are only two factors involved in that happening for me: years of therapy to work out how I was sabotaging myself, and sheer luck that the dating app algorithm happened to throw him my way. I’m no less independent than I was before we met, my independence is a core facet of who I am, in fact I’m typing this from a two-week solo travel that I paid for myself.

Bankrolling myself gives me genuine fulfilment and a sense of achievement, as does maintaining my sense of individuality and not being subsumed into a relationship. I actually turned down my partner’s offer of paying for something I really wanted because I’d rather earn it myself. You feel differently - fine, but don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re too independent or turning men away or some other sexist crap. If you feel you have to tone yourself down for a relationship that’s a bad place to start.

I could be jealous of women who have a husband who provides all that as I have never had it, despite marrying twice. It is probably only a fairly small number of women with a very high earning husband who bankrolls them and is loving and caring. Personally, I am happy to be single.

I don't think op is jealous . Just having a hard time coping a single person living on her own. As a single person I agree with her. Work two jobs to pay the bills.

Good post, @TedMullins — the ‘you’re too independent to be attractive’ and ‘men need to be needed and lose their erection with women who have fulfilling jobs and mow their own lawns’ stuff is so patriarchal and damaging.

Definitely not unreasonable to wish for a more comfortable life but maybe slightly unreasonable to frame it such that a less difficult life comes by way of a man?

I envy my friends with really great partners who are interesting, financially successful, and still feel passionate about them.

I'd say that's about 1 in 10 of my married/partnered friends. Many are muddling along. At least two have made the sacrifice of putting up with a deeply unsatisfying relationship for the better lifestyle and support with children that that offers, even later in life.

I do get the envy, I'm also a lone parent (widow) and it is hard when you are the only source of income, but now I'm completely self-supporting and even if I met someone that would never change, in fact, I wouldn't want them to pay anything for me ever. I was lucky to have two incomes though when it mattered.

I think it’s more that these men enjoy sharing what they have with the women they love, neither my sister in law or my colleague hunted down their husbands for their high net worth in both cases they have been together since they were students, well before any of them had any money.
That's the big thing I suspect OP: these relationships have evolved together and the couple have grown together from being young adults.

The women you're talking about didn't go into the relationships looking for a man with money/high earnings to give them a certain lifestyle.

There's a big difference between two people meeting in early adulthood and building a life together (in whatever way that works for them in terms of work patterns and domestic responsibilities for their evolving circumstances) and someone further into adulthood looking for a high earner as a partner because they want a certain lifestyle/want luxuries/want a man who takes pride in bankrolling his partner.

Any woman who actively wants to be bankrolled by a man is pretty much a gold digger and someone who gives other women a bad name. Please don’t aspire to this.

I don't think people in couples really get how expensive life is for single people these days. I'm certainly not bankrolled by my partner as we earn similar amounts, but just knowing that there's an extra salary coming in to pay the bills etc gives me a sense of security thst I didn't have when everything was on my, and only my, shoulders.

I don't think the Op is talking about being a gold digger, in her examples, one is an artist with their own career and one works part-time. Many women work in lower paid jobs or part time, often for childcare, often because certain lower paid jobs are more likely to be done by women. The point is that if there are two of you, you can rearrange the finances in ways that suit you both, if there's one of you, especially in a CoL crisis, then there's absolutely no options. You work full-time and that's that. It's hard to be a sole income earner and run a single household economically.

I know because I do it and I live in fear of redundancy (and have a lot of insurance out in case that happens).

I think everyone gets that, but the OP is specifically thinking of two women she views as substantially funded by their husbands, not just women in two-salary couples.

I think my sister thinks this about me. Because I do most of the childcare and have a musical/ creative job, I think she assumes I don't earn much and am 'bankrolled' by my DH. I think she assumes I earn a pittance because I'm a woman and I do a job I actually enjoy that's not traditionally high earning. She'd be shocked if she knew how much I made... sometimes I find it annoying, but hey, it's her issue anyway, I can't be arsed setting her straight. I think she - and you - have a weird attitude that it's only men who can be high earners?!
My DSis never looks at the good sides of her situation, either. Most of our (joint) money goes on the kids and stuff we need as a result of them, like a mortgage on a bigger house, car etc. Hers is all on herself, she goes on tons of holidays and trips that I just can't. In her position with no kids, I'd have all my hard-earned money to myself and would probably be earning more by now because I wouldn't have had the setbacks of maternity leaves and having to sacrifice career progression for flexible working for the sake of my family. If single, I would be much more likely to treat myself to things like a £200 serum (even though that sounds ridiculous so I wouldn't bother.) I'm not saying I envy her, I love being a parent but there are good and bad sides to everything. Yes DH and me do have a nice life, but we also have a lot of responsibility and we work bloody hard both at work and at home raising kids.

I'm "bankrolled" by DH but have a myriad of health issues, claim UC and other benefits and have multiple children. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Trust me.

I would rather be single tbh. Less hassle.

I completely get where you’re coming from OP.

I’ve been single for a long time, spent over 20 years working all the hours God sends because I only had myself to pay the bills and no safety net. The four years I was on NMW and couldn’t afford 3 meals a day were particularly memorable. I’m on a goodish wage now but it all goes on bills. I haven’t been on holiday since 2016.

Meanwhile I work with couples who are all doing annual Disneyland trips, getting new kitchens or redecorating, the women pursue passion projects or work part time so they can have their me time, kids are all in expensive clubs…

It really does grate on you how some people seem not to know they’re born whereas others work their fingers to the bone and have no real hope of anything different.

Are you going to go back to your career in future?

It is nice to want this for yourself , and a man who is married to you and gives you money without being a stingey dick. I will pray for you to find a husband

Just get a rich husband then? If that's what you want.

Where do they sell them? Didn’t realise it was as easy as this.

I understand what you mean OP. I'm living the life that your describe, and I do like it. I have made a great many sacrifices to obtain this life, but I wouldn't know how to live any other life.

I understand where you're coming from.
I'm married and we both work. We have a decent lifestyle funded by us both. We have kids so not lots of luxuries as the bills are endless.
It's a bit like dreaming of winning the lottery isn't it. No money pressures and able to enjoy free time as you wish.
For what it's worth, I don't think you sound bitter at all. I'd love to work less and still have a good lifestyle.

It is a very difficult time to support yourself as a single person atm. YNBU to feel like it's tough doing it all on your own. It is and I feel for you.

As an aside there are plenty of women bankrolling blokes too. But having a dual income, however it works, makes meeting costs a lot easier.