To envy women with a good partner that shares the load and affords them some luxury in life?

[Maclion]

I am single in my mid 40’s I’ve had relationships in the past lasting up to 2 years but never been married or even lived with a man. My last relationship ended 2 years ago and to be honest I haven’t really looked for another one. I have a lot of friends and I’m close to my family, I have my own flat and an ok job but I do sometimes get so tired of life on my own.

I look at the women around me who have managed to meet good men, who make good partners and who take care of them. My sister in law is an artist married to my brother who is a high earner and while she does have a career she loves her lifestyle is essentially bank rolled by my brother. She is 48 but looks amazing and much younger because she can have all these treatments, Pilates classes, expensive skincare, like she will think nothing of dropping £200 on a serum.

Another woman who works with me, but part time has a lovely life, anything she wants because there is a man there paying the bills and topping up her income and savings. While I’m wondering if I can still afford my mortgage payments as the cost of living keeps rising and it’s harder to afford my basic bills never mind pay for a social life or fancy beauty treatments.

I know it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship and I know that not every seemingly perfect relationship really is perfect behind closed doors but there are couples who are happy and women who don’t have to struggle as much because they do have a man to help with the cost of living or who earns enough to afford them some luxury in life and it’s those women and relationships that I envy.

Is it so unreasonable to wish I had that for myself?

I feel lucky because I have a good husband but because he is a good, kind person and not because he bankrolls me. In fact I'm the higher earner - but we both just see it that we contribute to our family life together. The reality is, as a woman I wouldn't want to be bankrolled by anyone and that is not what I want to teach my daughters - I have a good career, earn v good money and I had a decent sized house when we met - I want them to value their independence to achieve these things without relying on a partner.

@LolaSmiles to be fair to my SIL she does make what would be a good living (better than what I make) from her art so it isn’t really a hobby job as you say but as she her lifestyle far exceeds what her income would provide due to the high income of her husband.

I also think that if a man makes enough to allow his wife to stay home even full time with no hobby job even and their standard of living wouldn’t be badly effected I think a lot more men than you’d realise would be just fine with that kind of set up. It’s obviously not possible for for most to live well of one income so duel incomes are the norm and I’m not even saying I’d want to give up working completely but I’d like a husband who looked after me to some extent.

I think it’s also that I feel like my chance at finding a relationship is slipping away from me now

Then what are you going to do about it? I was 46, terminally single and living in rural Portugal, where a man with a full set of teeth is considered a prince. So I made it my mission to find someone to love and be loved by. It took a while, and he was living in Zurich so we would have been unlikely to bump into each other, but we've been together 15 years now. Yes he's a high earner but that was the icing on the cake - I didn't set out to find someone to support me.

Go forth!!!

Anyone in a partnership with two people working is better off because they can spilt costs, in comparison to being single.

You obviously have not read many posts on here because otherwise you’d think that men begrudge sharing money and a lot of people have their own bank account!

Assumptions and generalisations are not going to do anything to help you and your quest in finding a partner.

Stop lumping all men and all women as one homogeneous unit with no individual thought.

If you want a partner, start looking for one.

Yes but not all similarity educated people who work hard earn the same. Someone could be a highly ambitious Oxbridge graduate with a masters degree in education who is in teaching and aims to be a head. Their partner could be a Leeds maths graduate who works for a hedge fund.

They won't earn the same.

This is a lovely outlook. And I hope you realise you are worth more and don't have to put up with crap 🙂

@LolaSmiles to be fair to my SIL she does make what would be a good living (better than what I make) from her art so it isn’t really a hobby job as you say but as she her lifestyle far exceeds what her income would provide due to the high income of her husband

Even if your brother wasn't a high earner, she'd have a better lifestyle as part of a double income household than on her own.

It sounds like you believe there's loads of high earning men out there who are looking for a woman to spoil and fund her a life with luxuries, but I'd imagine that many high earning men have quite a good radar for women who are attracted to their bank balances. I may be cynical but I also think the ones who don't mind if a woman is looking at the bank balances might not be great partners and are unlikely to be looking for a long term relationship with a woman who is their equal (as in age, life experience).

If you're interested in finding a partner then you'd be better off putting yourself out there, meeting men with similar interests to you and getting to know them to see where that leads you.

I’m currently being bankrolled by my husband (it’s only a short-term thing whilst I recover from three particularly shitty years) and it’s GREAT. I’m being totally lazy and self-indulgent and loving every second (although haven’t spent any money on myself as feel too guilty for that).

So I think yanbu op. Some people have all the luck!

Who knows, maybe you’ll win the lottery and then everyone will envy you instead.
It’s all just a roll of the dice isn’t it.

Are you saying you think that being economically inactive is something to be aspired to?

I think it’s more that these men enjoy sharing what they have with the women they love, neither my sister in law or my colleague hunted down their husbands for their high net worth in both cases they have been together since they were students, well before any of them had any money.

Yes a duel income would be preferable but I’ve tired repeatedly and my picker is off. I wasn’t going after rich men just normal guys, it didn’t work out.

TBF tho she's said her envy is limited to a very niche section of women.

If I allowed myself to think about it, I'd envy women who's husbands are like mine but with a six figure salary. Women who earn a six figure salary. Women with slim figures who don't have to starve themselves for it. People with four bed houses they can afford. And I don't doubt there are people who envy women with a good husband and a few kids.

The thing op is not letting it take over your life or relationships. You have to focus on the good, work to change the bad, one day at a time

I know it’s not everyone of course and I’m not always thinking about this but shit, life is so hard right now! I’m literally thinking of selling my flat and moving back home with my elderly parents or taking another part time job and Ipits not even like I’m trying to maintain a fancy home it’s just a small two bed flat.
It’s so funny you say that Because I read that and thought I’d so love to live near my mum!!! I adore adore my husband and kids but my god I wish we could live near/ with her and my bro (we can’t afford to live near her).

It’s funny because people would see my dh in a good job and over the years I was a sahm I listened to all kinds of ‘you’re so lucky’ but you feel absolutely worthless with someone else’s money, joint account but you still know you didn’t physically earn it and everyone is thinking ‘well for some!’ At least if you treat yourself you actually earned it, you don’t have to run anything by anyone etc.

Not unreasonable no. I suppose I’m very lucky as my husband of 30 years is amazing. We’re early 50’s and quite traditional in how we split everything. I don’t work but was full time carer for our disabled adult son for over 20 years which definitely wasn’t easy! I also do all the other stuff, home admin, housework, organising the other kids etc. Some people however don’t understand our relationship because we are very happily married but spend a lot of time apart now our son isn’t at home, doing our own thing.

I agree @tittybumbum, and I guess what I mean is generally there will be balance to the relationship. I also know a couple where the wife is a successful artist - but that doesn’t pay too well. Her husband earns the money as a lawyer but they are both successful, driven and ambitious. I think if you’re looking to meet a successful, high earning, kind partner you have to ask what you’re bringing to the relationship - are you also successful, hard working, great personality or whatever? Sorry if that sounds cruel but it’s the way the world works.

“It’s funny because people would see my dh in a good job and over the years I was a sahm I listened to all kinds of ‘you’re so lucky’ but you feel absolutely worthless with someone else’s money, joint account but you still know you didn’t physically earn it and everyone is thinking ‘well for some!’ At least if you treat yourself you actually earned it, you don’t have to run anything by anyone etc.”

@stayathomer lol, no sorry I don’t agree at all I’d have no issue with that at all.

There is ALWAYS a price to pay.

Yanbu. I feel the same. And it's not even about being bankrolled. Just sharing the costs of living goes a long way.

@WinterDeWinter Not always, I think that is a comforting thing people who don’t have something tell themselves, some people just have it better, are happier, prettier, more in love etc, etc.

Maclion
When I went back to work I bought a moisturiser that wasn’t even that expensive and realised it was the first time in years I hadn’t said to dh ‘by the way I’m going to need to buy x, y or z’. He never expected me to tell him but the guilt for any purchase was huge! (Could be just me though!)

The thing is, relationships like that don't just fall out of the sky. It takes a long time and years of hard work (and often struggle) to get to the stage where they can sustainably live their lives that way.

More than anything, it needs the relationship to be a partnership rather than adversarial or selfish on both parties' part. It's not just a case of finding a husband who'll be a true partner, it's the wife being a true partner as well (substitute as necessary for same sex relationships).

The pages of AIBU are littered with aggrieved people who think they're the hero, and who know they're right, but who've completely missed the point that a marriage (in my opinion) is meant to be a complete partnership where two people work together and have empathy for the other's circumstances and bad days/weeks/months.

That's not an easy thing to do. I was on the wrong side of that for many years, and it took us at least a decade and a half of getting it wrong and being miserable to realise that there's a much happier way to live our lives.

I look at the women around me who have managed to meet good men, who make good partners and who take care of them

Its about who you choose to be with. 7 years with DP who is a good man. But before him my relationships were mostly crap. I made bad choices and chose timewasting, horrible men. Its hard to face yourself in the mirror and admit that you've been wrong too. But its necessary.

DP is a hard worker, a good earner, he's kind, he has my back, and he isnt sexist. He shares the load. It suits me - Im not interested in 'hard work' pointscoring relationships at all. I need calm. DP makes my life easier, I can relax more. I dont want to be independent within/in terms of a relationship - I can do independent by myself. Within a relationship Im interdependent, it's a team. Doesn't mean he's perfect but, who is?

No stress is my mantra, why bother to be with a man if he's not enhancing your life? Life can teach you a lot about that.

There's nothing wrong with what you wish for OP. Great post

@stayathomer I suppose it depends how much of a financial sacrifice you not working was, if it made things tight for the family the I can understand buying yourself something might induce guilt but if their is plenty of money it’s just silly to act like a martyr about spending it just because it was your husband who earned it.

I have the lifestyle you talk about by earning the same as my DH. I'd never want to be bankrolled at all.

It shouldn't be about money.
It should be about the caring side of a partner.. helping with everything.
Being there for you.
Sharing the load .. not the money.

You're not unreasonable op. But on the flipside, you should be proud of yourself and your independence, to be able to support yourself financially is something alot can only dream of. The feeling of being completely independent and not at the mercy of someone else to support your lifestyle must give you a sense of calm and contentment. My dh is a good man, works very hard, earns well, and is very hands on around the house, and with the dc. But, his career has left me being the primary carer for the children, and my earning potential has suffered over the years. It's fine, right now, as our set up works well for us, means we can afford life comfortably, no one goes without, and we don't have to rely on childcare. But... There's always the worry that if something "went wrong" and we separated, my lifestyle would change dramatically. That slight sense of unease, is always at the back of my mind, not that dh gives me any reason to think he'll up and leave one day, the fact is, he could, and I would be financially fucked. Equally, when we have gone through rough patches in the past, and I have doubted whether I am happy, I have felt slightly trapped, because I cannot afford my life without him. I would love to be financially independent, so if one day I was alone, I know I would be able to support myself. Feeling beholden to someone else and their wages, can make you feel inadequate and resentful at times, especially when things aren't going so smoothly, which happens in every relationship from time to time. Embrace your financial freedom, and feel proud that you don't need to rely on anyone else to sustain the life you've built. X