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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

351 replies

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 11:51

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

OP posts:
Lizzyinlondon · 15/03/2024 18:33

Sorry this happened. Your boundaries sound perfectly reasonable and they sound like a bunch of jerks. I also wouldn't have the confidence to say anything but if it was me I'd prepare a few come backs I could throw in if need be. Something like "ew creepy!" Or "hello Jimmy Saville" or something like that. Then you're 'just joking' but also calling out his behaviour and not having to deal with massive fallout while you're all in one place. Obvs I wouldn't be getting in the hot tub with him. I would also be devastated if my partner didn't support me in that situation. You're not going mad. They're just weird and a bit misogynistic I think.

UtterlyButterly2048 · 15/03/2024 18:42

The only response to an unsolicited “you’re hot” is….”you’re not”. Shut this fucker down.
My DH has some vaguely slimy friends. One pointed out to me (in front of his fucking wife) that he would be “delighted” to be married to a woman like me.
I responded, loudly, that his wife was far more educated, articulate and attractive than me (all true! ) and frankly, she deserved far better. He scuttled off and I hear she has now left him. Funny that!

Jeannie88 · 15/03/2024 18:44

He knows what he's foing and plays the loud joker to get away with it. Your OH should step up and say oi mate leave it out!

peacockshrimp · 15/03/2024 19:00

OP, you don’t have to - and shouldn’t - laugh off anything making you feel uncomfortable.
Your BF doesn’t stand up for you, which is one to think about, but you should always stand up for yourself. Tell John, perhaps in front of his poor wife, that he is not funny and you don’t want to hear another of his “jokes”. if it’s more comfortable, you can have a soft approach, see if that works. ideally, you tell him that he is a disrespectful a*hole and should leave if he is unable to behave among adult women.

Imisssleep2 · 15/03/2024 19:01

The greeting may just be how he is, but the hot tub remarks and trying to get you to sit on his lap is weird. Where was your other half at the time? If that was me, my other half would get quite possessive, he isn't normally but would in that scenario. Also where was his wife? I wouldn't be happy for my husband to be making those comments to someone else.
I wouldn't leave the holiday as I assume it's a short thing, but I think I would avoid the hot tub and him in general. If your other half asks why you aren't going in the hot tub etc, explain you feel uncomfortable by his friend.

OldPerson · 15/03/2024 19:02

Why get in a hot tub with someone who makes you uncomfortable? Why don't you have a chat with his wife and separately your DP and say you're feeling uncomfortable? You've not set any boundaries by allowing him to kiss you on the cheek uncomfortably and manhandle you in a hot tub. Rather than run away, why not treat it as a learning curve in setting boundaries with someone. You're allowed to say "I don't like the way you greet me, let's just shake hands or say hi", "I don't like the way you behave in a hot tub" "The way you said that seems so creepy." "Okay, don't crowd me." "Sorry, but I'd rather spend time with your wife or my husband."

Mrspenfold123 · 15/03/2024 19:04

You are on holiday, and don’t deserve to feel the way you are feeling.

John’s behaviour towards you is not acceptable, although perhaps he thinks it is.

The only win-win possible is to let John know about it. If you do it assertively but kindly, just maybe he’ll learn a lesson.

I’d write him the following note.

”John, the way you touch me and talk to me about finding me attractive makes me feel uncomfortable. I know you think it’s funny, but it’s not funny to me, and it’s ruining my holiday. I don’t want to cause a scene in front of everyone and ruin the atmosphere, but that behaviour needs to stop now.”

One of two things will happen. Either he’ll apologise and behave himself, possibly learning a lesson into the bargain or he’ll be a dick about it, at which point you can make a real issue of it and then leave if necessary.

But DO NOT put up with it.

NannaKaren · 15/03/2024 19:18

Leave !

GoldEagle · 15/03/2024 19:30

'John' is a sex pest, either doesn't know what a woman's boundary is or chooses to ignore it. What about the other women in the group, does he make inappropriate comments to them? Last but not least your partner, I don't know how important this man is to you, but if he doesn't have the balls to tell one of his mates to leave you alone, I would be questioning if I wanted to stay in a relationship with him. It's 2024, you don't have to put up with this shit.

GoldEagle · 15/03/2024 19:33

Direstraightsagain · 14/03/2024 21:04

i think going home is unreasonable.

The friend sounds like a total slimeball and I’d never be alone with him or go away with him again, but actually leaving a holiday is quite a leap imo. Your partner would have to deal with fallout.
I’d stay, for the holiday, and have a proper conversation with partner about John /groundrules when home and never spend time with him again.

If OP partner doesn't have the balls to speak to his mate and tell him to back off, it's too bad if he has to deal with the fallout.

WellManneredFrivolity · 15/03/2024 19:48

It makes me angry that John’s awful behaviour is normalised and brushed off and that a woman has to ask if she’s being unreasonable to be creeped out by his creepy behaviour.

YANBU and your DP is part of the problem by allowing this behaviour right in front of him and not calling John out. You also shouldn’t feel that you can’t call him out for fear of reprisals.

so fuck them all and do what you need to do to be safe and not uncomfortable

MarygoldRose · 15/03/2024 19:58

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 11:51

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

You are not married to your 'DP' - so there is no problem. It is not like he is trying it on with somebody's wife.

Teledeluxe · 15/03/2024 20:07

LittleeJuann · 13/03/2024 12:39

I do think leaving and removing yourself from this situation is the best decision. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh but you've bascially just been assaulted in front of your DP, and he's done what exactly? Dismissed you and stuck up for a creep. Red flag alert.

I wouldnt even say goodbye, just jump in the car and go.

If they're so close-knit that they'd close ranks to protect that creepy perv, then you're better off well away from all of them.

Show quote history

Get away from these letchy tossers asap. I’m a man and wouldn’t find any of this behaviour acceptable.

LadyNijo · 15/03/2024 20:10

MarygoldRose · 15/03/2024 19:58

You are not married to your 'DP' - so there is no problem. It is not like he is trying it on with somebody's wife.

Show quote history

I’m assuming this is satirical.

Flippingnora100 · 15/03/2024 20:15

I don't think you need to go home - that doesn't address the issue. I also think your boyfriend should care more that his friend is making you feel uncomfortable. I think next time John says or does something that you feel uncomfortable with, you should call it out e.g., 'Please don't touch me/speak about me like that. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.' You just need to let him know that he's crossing a boundary (it should be obvious, but it clearly isn't). I would think that would be enough to put him in his place. He should then be the one feeling uncomfortable, not you. Fuck politeness - you don't have to go along with things you don't like.

Nenen · 15/03/2024 20:18

MarygoldRose · 15/03/2024 19:58

You are not married to your 'DP' - so there is no problem. It is not like he is trying it on with somebody's wife.

Show quote history

It Is irrelevant whether the poster is married or not… the ONLY criteria for deciding John is a mysogenistic ar@@ who needs to be made aware his behaviour is (at best) totally inappropriate is that he is touching the poster without her express permission to do so and making ridiculous remarks which he must be aware is making her uncomfortable. Lifting her off her feet could be deemed assault.

WalkingaroundJardine · 15/03/2024 20:19

Your partner is creepy too and something is not quite right. Most partners would be upset and or protective if another man behaved like that to their partner. It’s like John has a strange hold on him (and the others) where this is tolerated in the group.
I wonder what their history is?

Plantmother71 · 15/03/2024 20:50

It’s worrying that DP is condoning this by saying ‘that’s just John’ - I’d be worrying dp behaves like this when they go out together. He’s a creep - ignore him and try and enjoy the holiday as best as you can.

Amara123 · 15/03/2024 20:51

Just say "Steady up Harvey Weinstein" everytime he does anything.
But honestly I would leave. The entitlement from this chap is nauseating. You don't owe anyone anything, you only owe yourself safety and peace of mind.
Anytime I've ignored my internal alarm bells, I've lived to regret it. And this guy is pushing it.

T1Dmama · 15/03/2024 21:17

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 13:34

On day one, I got in the hot tub with John and my DP in a swimsuit and he, a few drinks down, eyed me up and said “you are f-ing hot!* To which my partner laughed.

Edited
Show quote history

Tell DP that he needs to say to John that his behaviour makes you uncomfortable and needs to stop! End of!
I wouldn’t like this at all, could you say to his wife ‘doesn’t it bother you?’ And see what she says… tell her it makes you uncomfortable and you don’t like it… she’ll soon tell him!
I wouldn’t get close enough to
him to be kissed or picked up.. and if he doesn’t get the hint just tell him you don’t like it…
It’s such a shame isn’t it that in 2024 a woman doesn’t feel able to say no to someone touching/kissing her and when she addresses it with her partner it’s brushed off as ‘just John’…. Horrible!!

T1Dmama · 15/03/2024 21:23

In fact I’d be tempted to leave, pack my bags and leave DP too… or pack his bags for him!

T1Dmama · 15/03/2024 21:32

MarygoldRose · 15/03/2024 19:58

You are not married to your 'DP' - so there is no problem. It is not like he is trying it on with somebody's wife.

Show quote history

WTAF?! It wouldn’t matter if OP was single…
t his man is touching her against her wishes and being creepy! God I hope you don’t have sons if you think this behaviour should be tolerated by women!

ftp · 15/03/2024 21:40

Ask his wife in front of everyone if he is always this bad with strangers? She may well not like it but has just had to put up with it, and might appreciate someone else saying something.
Refuse to get into the hot tub with him, if he gets in, get out pointedly.
If he makes any kind of "familiar" remark, say "did you really just say that?" and if it is bad enough say "that is insulting to your wife"

Leaving is making it about your behaviour, calling him out makes it about his

gezzab33 · 15/03/2024 21:47

I always imagine the situation if it were flipped. If you commented on a man's appearance and then asked for him to sit on your lap in a hot tub with his speedos on. We get so used to letting behaviour like this go for fear of being seen as uptight and a party pooper, but its just plain wrong.

CrashyTime · 15/03/2024 21:52

Just say "John mate, EVERYBODY is hot in a hot tub, calm down, have another drink" and as another poster said, why are you getting into a hot tub with someone who makes you this uncomfortable? Spend time somewhere else when he is around the hot tub, or just leave, make an excuse about being unwell or something, everyone probably knows the reason anyway.