To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

[offpiste89]

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

Yes, definitely leave your partner. So many red flags. You deserve so much better than this.

I wonder how many people saying OP should have to speak up - loudly - have ever been seriously sexually assaulted. Where no absolutely does NOT mean no. Where bystanders will not speak up alongside you.

Speaking up is important, and usually preferable, but it is also TERRIFYING, and fucking HARD. Especially when those around you are enabling the vile behaviour.

As a r* survivor I swear blind I'll never again not shout and scream as loud as I can, but in practice that's not always possible and/or safe.

And what about the times you do speak up? I was threatened with a sexual assault in a very busy town centre and I screamed and shouted as loudly as I could, explicitly asking for help, and not one single person helped.

This is not ok, or simply the way John is. This is not funny. It’s not your fault and you should not worry about calling it out and making others awkward about what actually is sexual harassment.

your partner is part of the problem, if he can not see this.

@tkwal

The reality can be that some women could just laugh,
it off, as just one of those things in life, as in laugh it off as to not create waves socially in the group,
Another words dismiss it or and trivialise this,
Or
Cause it happens so often in society that it is normalises as in misogynistic attitudes and behaviours,
Maybe as a survival coping mechanism just to exist , survive in a environment that pander's to the immature man child feelings and needs centric culture and society that is often the case in western world as in other places in the world too..

i think going home is unreasonable.

The friend sounds like a total slimeball and I’d never be alone with him or go away with him again, but actually leaving a holiday is quite a leap imo. Your partner would have to deal with fallout.
I’d stay, for the holiday, and have a proper conversation with partner about John /groundrules when home and never spend time with him again.

Her "partner" deserves to deal with fallout since he's enabling John's sexual harassment. But he'd just turn the blame on OP for being "moody".

Of course it might take that for OP to see he's as much a turd as John and it's time she dumped him.

I hope she comes back to the thread ... hopefully she's been en route home (and changing the locks, maybe? One can dream).

I would leave the trip and the boyfriend

People saying OP should speak up … she did. She told her BF what his friend did and how it made her feel. Then he laughed it off and told her to she was being silly.

THIS is the problem. He should have been pissed off as it happened but, failing that, he should have heard what she was saying and said he’d sort it with his mate. He didn’t. So now she feels unsafe. In fact, she isn’t safe as her BF has made it clear he doesn’t have her back.

I think I’d leave asap and end things with BF. If this friendship group is this close, if this behaviour is part of their shared social culture, then it would not be for me. Who cares what they think once she’s left?

Yes, it really is. Women are often scared to speak out….Saying they’re enabling and/or complicit is bloody appalling!

Maybe his threatening & predatory behaviour has made her scared to call him out….especially if her DP is making her feel completely invalidated.

John gets away with it because people like ops partner let him. It’s up to you if you stay or go home but if you stay give John a wide berth, walk away if he approaches you, get out of the hot tub if he gets in or stay out if he’s already in there, sit away from him.. you get the picture. If he tries to pick you or kiss you Say “ Put me down, I’m not a toy for your entertainment” . OK it’ll cause an awkward moment but So what?
Tel partner he didn’t hear what you were telling him, you felt uncomfortable with this man and he didn’t step in. John gets away with his predatory ways because other men like dp let him or excuse it with crap like “That’s just how he is”

This! Your DP should be your biggest advocate and if he is not listening to your concerns then you have a DP problem unfortunately.

Voted YABU just on the basis of you going home, absolutely would not be cutting my trip short because of him.

I personally wouldn’t be uncomfortable by this but would have told him to F off when he sat me on his lap - that’s a step too far.

Maybe just try to enjoy the rest of the trip and stay away from future events with him present?

That sounds awful and your DH should back you up. What he is doing is inappropriate. I don't have much advice except make sure you are never alone with him. If you can with these approaches try to avoid them, not easy. Take care.

Yes, this. Surely you can avoid being next to him, and maybe even tell him to give it a rest if he starts speaking about you again.

Call him out in a lighthearted comment of...Can we give the creepy, sex pest joke a rest for a bit, I'm sure you have other gags. See if he enjoys your "joke".

"Just John" should be able to take it if he dolls it out.

It’s a breach of your boundaries @offpiste89 although I don’t think you should leave, I think you should tell your DP & Just John that you’re not comfortable in as least dramatic way as possible. My ex DH’s family were all like this and they could not get their heads around it until it was spelt out calmly that it was not harmless comments or fun. They all grew up a notch that day!

Couldn't agree more with the comments posted already. Think the advice is fantastic. That John chap is a complete lech and perv and your boyfriend clearly is not much better- you'd be well rid of him. If he can't even defend his own girlfriend whom presumably he purportedly loves and cares about, then he clearly doesn't respect you or your own boundaries and sees women as mere sex objects.... If this guy is his friend I'd also be wondering what says about him?!

This sounds a lot like grooming, and I'm also loathe to say it because us women always fear anyone believing us when we do say it - Sexual assault. He's touched you without your consent. The kissing, picking you up, trying to get you on his lap, the lewd comments.

I think you need to have a word with your partner.

Just read the rest of your comments, OP.

Leave. Leave now. Your partner not supporting you; makes him just as much as a pig and a sympathiser. You don't deserve to be dismissed and not heard like that. It's -your- body. You don't need his permission to feel safe by leaving. Put yourself first.

Just tell him!

If you're "hot" maybe you can get a non beta man ..... Cause this one is a beta, a beta who laughs along with and won't challenge a perceived (dominant, loud, "outrageous") man, even over his partner.

He lets the "alpha" man handle her, comment on her attractiveness, be sleazy, even try to put her in semi sexual contact with him (lap, wearing only swimwear in a "concealed" environment) and he does nothing, just laughs along etc.

Anyway, I wouldn't put yourself to the inconvenience of leaving the hol early espnif your enjoying the skiing. I'd avoid Mr "Alpha" as much as you possibly can.

I would just contemplate what this means about your bf. I know men who, even smaller/weaker - would still challenge a man acting like this.

Does his wife not find it offensive her husband is flirting like that.

Yeah the group not challenging that .... Which is extremely inappropriate towards her too ....says a lot about them.

They're ok with him disrespecting her, as much as op.