To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

[offpiste89]

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

@familybythesea op is a person in her own right and, is made safe and supported by HERSELF. No one is more responsible for op than op. Not her friends. Not her boyfriend. Only her. What would op do if she was alone and some asshole accosted her in the street? In the real world, no one is ever coming to help you, you have to help yourself. So, the first time he did it, yes, that’s shitty and scary. The next time? He loses a fucking limb. This, unfortunately is the world we live in. Set your boundaries and act accordingly.

When he comes anywhere near you handsy cough loudly stop touching me John

Coughing loudly by side of him
could make him think 🤔 you could have contagious covid

You’ve told her that it is her responsibility to speak out against his behaviour. It is not. It is the responsibility of his social group, who are there and currently silent. They are the complicit ones, not the OP. It’s regrettable that you are unwilling to see the difference.

Bet your DP wouldn't be enthralled if you said to another male ,wow look at the cock on you.....bet it wouldn't be ..oh that's Susan being Susan.

Victim blaming is where victims are held accountable for what happened to them.
That is not what I am saying. She is not reponsible for this man's behaviour, but she does have the power to do something about it.

The OP has asked for opinions and I've given mine. She is perfectly able to chose the advice that works for her.

Oh just tell him to fuck off every time he does something you don't like.

“Staying silent is enabling this man.”

You’ve made your opinion very clear indeed.

We all met a John...I think the problem is that you and your partner have very different views of what is tolerable in social situations. I have been in groups of people where this sort of behaviour is considered normal and fun, but I personally would not find it acceptable. I don't really know what to advice - if you complain and be moody, or leave, these people (including your DP) will think you are weird and a prude. I think the best you can do is to firmly say to your DP that if John says or does something else creepy you will do what you would do to any creep who assaults you in public - knee him in the balls. Let him mull over that.

The only person who has the power to do anything about John’s behaviour is John.

OP can object vociferously and make everything very awkward for everyone but he may just carry on, indeed it may even stop up and turn into a battle.

The idea that OP has the power to stop John being a twat is gobsmackingly naive.

I would definitely leave. Your boyfriend doesn't mind you being really uncomfortable, so no need to have concern for him.

"if you complain and be moody, or leave, these people (including your DP) will think you are weird and a prude"
I really would not care, my opinion of all of them will be much lower l'm sure. I'd think they were as bad as him for including, him in their friendship group.

It's so gross that your partner just laughed

We’re on the same side - I’m all for the OP protecting herself, but she needs to decide how best to do that without being pressured to be confrontational because she feels responsible for his behaviour (I.e. what he might do in the future). If she wants to protect herself by removing herself from the situation and going home, that’s equally as valid as standing up to him. It’s still setting clear boundaries.
Your logic suggests the woman is at fault if she freezes or runs rather than standing and fighting. This is simply not true. The only person to blame is John/the perpetrator.

This. Your BF is telling you loud and clear that he cares more about what John thinks of him than what you think about him.

He’s telling you that John’s feelings matter and yours don’t.

This is who your Bf is, he won’t change if you marry him and/ or have a baby with him.

Imagine how you are going to feel when John is commenting on your post baby body and asking if you gave your husband a BJ while you were in labour ha ha ha.

And your husband says “ That’s just John / you need a better sense of humour / he’s just drunk , he doesn’t know what he’s saying / don’t make a fuss and embarrass me “

That's ridiculous.
He should care that it's making the OP feel uncomfortable, not just because he feels uncomfortable.

Absolutely shocking that he won't stick up for his partner when she's being manhandled and has already expressed her discomfort.

Really makes me wonder if the DP is a massive creep himself.

Not only would I leave the lodge, I'd also leave the DP.

He's just sent you a very clear message about where your boundaries lie in terms of priorities -way below John's, his and the group. You're bottom of the pile. This is your partner - a man who should have your back above all others. Instead he's annoyed with you for having the temerity to be 'moody' about putting up with sexual harassment.

I don't know where you are in your relationship with your 'D'P but he strikes me as the sort who will start sulking when you're too tired to have sex, or where every cuddle turns into an attempt to initiate sex. He'll think he's a good guy because he isn't forcing you or being physically abusive, but it wouldn't surprise me if he turns out to be just as much of a sex pest as his friend.

I'm really sorry you are being treated like this, but it sounds like your DP and the rest of his friends are part of the problem because they are normalising this behaviour. You need a partner who respects you and doesn't treat you as some sort of trophy. I'd call it a day with DP, and head home early from the holiday if possible.

I voted yabu because you have a voice and you should be using it..along with body language. Turn your head the next time John goes to bestow a kiss. Tell him you feel uncomfortable when he makes unwanted comments or touches you in any way
Tell your (useless) boyfriend exactly how you feel and talk to some of the other women in the group (hopefully there are some) to garner some moral support

You wouldn't put up with this behaviour on a package holiday from strangers so don't take it on this holiday just because this particular stranger is a friend of your boyfriend

whether its "Just John" or not is not relevant. If you don't like it and JJ won't stop when told to do so then that's that. I'd also be as peeved as hell that your partner (I do hope you haven't married the weakling) won't support you.

@familybythesea I have not suggested in anyway that op was at fault, she is not. The truth is though, as women, we do HAVE to stand up and say FUCK OFF if what they are doing doesn’t suit us. It’s not pretty, it’s not politically correct, but it’s life.
Yes I would absolutely rather we were all singing happy happy songs by the campfire, but the truth is, that doesn’t happen much. So yes, I’m lairy as FUCK and any rancid person who gropes me is shut down with threats to his genitals. The sad fact is, that is what it takes. It shouldn’t, but it does.

I'd loudly in front of everyone call him out on it. Every time.

John is a creepy fucker and your DP isn't coming out of this well either.

‘Get off you creep!’

• easier said than done, I know from bitter experience sadly. I still regret not standing up for myself.

The group don’t sound great and your DP… well he’s not a keeper.

The ‘he’s harmless’ line…. 🙄🙄🙄

Yeah, well, the bombing of Gaza is harmless to me here in NZ. No-one’s being harmed down here - we’re all just fine.

That doesn’t mean the bombing of Gaza is actually harmless, does it….?

He’s harmless to all the people he’s not harming. But he’s not ‘harmless’ to you. At all. Is he?

You need to take a good, hard look at your boyfriend. And yes, I would be leaving. But not just because of John.

I voted you are being unreasonable because you need to stand up for yourself here OP, not expect a man to do it for you. Haven't we all learned by now that some men are just creeps, and need to be put in their place? Would you accept this sort of behaviour if you were away on some sort of business trip where you had to socialise in between meetings? I know I wouldn't! So take some tips from the quote above, and call this creep out EVERY time! If the others don't like it, and make things even worse, then that is the time to leave or relocate to a different hotel, but don't let this predator push you out. Then as others have said, dump the lot of them when you get back, if calling him out doesn't do the trick.

It makes me wonder what worse behaviour they have witnessed from John in the past to be so comparatively unfazed and blasé about this.