To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

[offpiste89]

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

Yes, the average bloke trying to have a quiet pint around the average Hen night group will no doubt sympathise.

Absolutely, they should call it out too.

I wouldn't leave but I would tell the guy outright to keep his hand off of you . No kisses, no hugs - hands off. If he persists I would leave. Shame on your DP for not recognizing how much of a problem this is for you.

Don't leave. This is your holiday.

Tell him, to his face - privately or in front of others - "That's enough now, John. Stop making sexual comments about me. I find it upsetting. Thank you."

If he answers back. Just repeat: "I understand, but I don't like it. Please stop. Thank you."

If he can't stop after you explain your very basic, completely understandable boundaries, then ski during the day, get a good book on your Kindle, get room service, or go out with DP or on your own.

You can do this. Say what you need to say. It's hard; it takes guts, but so does going home. If you go home without saying anything, what will he have learned? Explain your perfectly reasonable request.

You don't need your DP to advocate for you. At the same time, he should want to. Unless he believes it's OK to treat you this way, in which case, get rid of him.

Do NOT let this fucker get away with it.

Don't join in by name-calling. Put your boundary out there. Job done.

Difficult to do when a group of women are locked into that "we are the centre of the room" energy, they are not going to take it on board that they are loud annoying and inappropriate, just like "John" in the hot tub when he is drunk, the best bet IMO is to stay away from them or you just become a prop in their circus show.

I’d be scared of the very vulnerable situation in which you find yourself. Especially with the amount of alcohol consumed.
I’d pack up and leave now.

Fuck this it’s just the way he is. I hate that. Well John needs to fucking change doesn’t he.

What the actual fuck is that supposed to mean?

Oh ffs, as a fellow petite woman this shits me! You are not a sex toy! You are a human being!
Tell “John” to “Put me down”, “Stop touching me!”, “I don’t like it!”, “I’m not a fucking doll, you creep!”, “Hands off!”

I'm sure DP is right, it is just how John is. That doesn't excuse his behaviour or how he makes you feel. Some people are very jokey but you know it's well meant and it comes from a good place. Some people make you feel like you need a good wash after speaking to them. John is one of the latter and should be avoided. DP should have your back

John sounds creepy; you know how you feel so DP should respect your feelings. How is John's wife reacting? She must be embarrassed and very hurt.

I would stay on the trip for the duration this time but I would stay sober, not sit next to John at any meal nor in the hot tub.

I would stay solidly next to your DP but even safer to stay amongst the group of women when you ski. I would have to create a separation from John at all times and enjoy the skiing.

Don't go away with the fellow again. If your DP can't respect your feelings then he is not the man for you.

Sounds like pervy John is the alpha male in that group of tossers. He sounds a lot like Rolf Harris!

‘Just John’ has assaulted you several
times now. Your boyfriend is a fucking moron.

Be the “villain” and stand up for yourself. Tell Just John he is a predator and then tell your boyfriend he is an enabler.

There is a whole world out there OP. Better men and better friends. Leave the pond life at the resort and move on with your life.

This is the problem we have with men in a group thinking this behaviour is acceptable! We are women not a piece of meat!!! It makes me infuriated. Op do whatever u feel comfortable with, leave or don’t but if your dp won’t say anything then he is putting his friends wants above your own.

DP thinks it’s acceptable for you to be assaulted as John is his alpha male. Best to get these people out of your life and move on.

WTF, is this a joke?

OP are you the only woman there? Please pop out and book a room for 2/3 nights and book a flight home now.

So sorry to hear this JayJayEl. Sexual violence has become so normalised in our culture from porn to social media that sometimes people have difficulty expressing their boundaries. Awful that no-one intervened but that is the society we're living in now I guess. That's not much consolation to you but I hope you get the support you need post this experience. For anyone reading this who is a parent, we need to do better. We need to talk to our kids about respecting the opposite sex, role-model this behaviour and raise our children with a healthy attitude towards sexuality&sex. We also need to recognise our own boundaries and not put up with behaviour that demeans or disrespects us.

You need your man to stand up for you. And to stand up for yourself.
Dont leave a trip because of someone else. Its your holiday too.

In the film chalet girl she subtly wards off dodgy men, one time by casually pouring boiling water on the mans crotch when serving tea. I think doing something that is very clear and in front of everyone when they see the man acting out, I think thats the answer. He gets the message, you stand up for yourself, its seen in a jokey way but very clear. :)

Hardly harmless. I’ve lost count of the times my gut has sprung into action and sent out warning signs about a person. It was rarely if ever wrong. Call out John directly. These creeps prey on the fact you won’t make a fuss. I’d do that rather than leave early. Just tell him in no uncertain terms his behaviours aren’t ok with you.

call him out reverse physcology mention it too his wife if it happens in front of her call her out. " Are You OK with this behavior i m sorry im not" also go round and ask the rest of the group who are female any ah would say oh its just john thats how he is . You're boyfriends an ah. Ask youre boyfriend if roles were reversed would he feel comfortable with it no because it would be seen as being gay.

John sounds massively creepy and it's weird that your DP is okay with it. Does he treat women like that when you're not around?

I wouldn't tolerate it from either of them tbh. I tolerated a "harmless" guy being borderline inappropriate many years ago and he drugged and raped me. In a cup of tea, no less. Ultimate British betrayal (hello again "humour as a coping mechanism")

I find it a bit disturbing that 12% think you are being unreasonable???.. I expected to see it in the high 90s agreeing with you, with the tiny percentage saying yabu as you always get a small few that like to disagree whatever is said. But I’m not really sure how anyone can think otherwise of this?? John is a pest, and your boyfriend is enabling his behaviour. And these kind of enablers and people like the 12% that let these kinds of men get away with being horrendous to women. So sorry that you’ve been made to feel like this. Also do not really like the people trying to put some blame on you saying why would you get in the hot tub with him. Not like she got in there alone with him is it??? Why did HE get in there if he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands to himself . He’s the one to blame not OP

I haven’t read beyond the first page but @BubblePerm nailed it. Just be loud and tell him exactly what you think. What does his wife say whe he’s like this. No way I’d tolerate my husband being a perv. Not that he would because men are actually very aware of what’s acceptable. He knows what he’s doing.