These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

Yeah - "I was sneakily browsing through your phone and noticed some anomalies in what you've said about your finances."
See how that goes.

Are you on another planet ?
He is planning to jack in his job, start a new business & hasn't bothered to tell his partner about it.
Who will pay the bills ?
They dont have savings, he cant afford a new bike.
Who floats the finances whilst his business hopefully takes off, or not ?

Personally I would LTB just because of the lying & duplicity.

You obviously missed the part where OP said looking at each others’ phones wasn‘t a problem. If she was looking in WhatsApp for something she may have picked up her first clues there. If they have joint finances and he’s planning a business without her knowledge, she’s linked and liable whatever he does. And you think phone ‘snooping’ is the biggest problem here ? Really ?

I'd be wondering what's in his solo account. In your shoes op I'd be playing hurt and innocent (because you are) but seriously getting my ducks properly lined up without letting on.
All that tosh about male brains and businessmen means nothing when he's hiding things from you, while you are putting everything into the joint account and buying from charity shops. Because HE says that money is tight.

Maybe, your dh is feeling that too.

I have to say that I got a bit of a sense of this when I read the OP.

What’s that got to do with anything ? He’s got two credit cards.

My husband is autistic and he focuses on finances so much, we can afford a lot, but he acts like we're super poor. He did this after 2 years of marriage. Prior to that he would spend all kinds of money on me so I got used to a higher lifestyle. No he acts like we can't afford mcdonalds so I lie about costs all the time and don't tell him when I have money because he will take it. I quit my job to focus on our business but him being autistic, he's very negative about the business so I don't like to talk to.him about it either. A business could end the relationship as ots very stressful. Good luck with everything. Someone else I'd say divorce but being that autism is involved it's completely different. I understand why he isn't telling you because I do the same thing. He is negative and blunt about everything because he don't have empathy and other things people usually have. I've had to learn over the years what will set him off and what won't. He's probably just being cautious and feels you'll shut him down. As long as there's no other ladies involved you'll be fine. Give him grace because he may feel he's protecting you as well. A business is a good thing if you have support, so be supportive. :)

@Blubby Seriously? Surely something as momentous as leaving your job and starting your own business should he discussed. Few businesses generate income in the first year , plus need money behind them to secure buildings. Who’s going to lay for this? If the loan is bring taken on the security of the house, then don’t you think op should know about this. Also, the new job has a different working pattern. This should also be discussed.

(Maybe I’ve been on mn too long. Is dp planning to leave op, set up a new business, and is there another woman involved?)

Who gives a flying fuck how it goes. He wouldnt have a leg to stand on.
Good luck even attempting to take me to task about that when ive found out youve been lying through your ass to me about our finances and all sorts of money shenanigans.

OP, I have a slight different perspective; it may or may not apply to your DH.

I have started several businesses on my own, some failed, some I ended on good terms, one I sold, and three I'm happily running well. I've also moved jobs (where I had an employer) a bit more than the average person. Each time before I decide to make one of these moves, I do a lot of research and testing beforehand. Sometimes I don't tell my DH about them until I feel confident I want to make the move...sometimes I tell him from the beginning. It really is due to my 'testing' phase where I'm trying to figure out the viability of the project or new position and I've learned not to tell too many people because if I pull the plug on one before launching, those who don't understand entrepreneurialism seem to think I'm flighty or can't commit, but that's not it at all...I'm actually pretty cautious because I don't want to put too many resources into something that could bomb. As a result, I rarely lose money (I have lost time, though!) and I've always paid our bills (I've always brought in more than DH).

Could he be in a tester phase? As to the bike, could it be dreaming...where he makes plans but won't pull the trigger until he's confident he has the money set aside?

I'm not picking up the impression that you're reckless or feckless with money. Or that there are large debts in the background.

You seem to be in an understandable position because you know what you're doing and appear to be subject to micromanagement by someone who refuses to acknowledge your competence.

This feels different to OP's position.

It is so frustrating how many posters are falling over themselves to defend the husband and try and place the blame on the OP for her DH's lies and deceit. Surely honesty and trust are basics in any relationship, no-one forces anyone to lie or hide stuff, and it is no jusification to lie just because telling the truth might lead to disapproval or a difficult conversation.
They are supposed to be a family with shared responsibilities and shared finances, yet clearly he thinks nothing of making massive decisions about starting a business and making major purchases for his hobby without even mentioning it to his own wife! He is acting like a single man with no responsibilities.
OP it does seem that your husband is not treating you as an equal partner in your relationship and this is not OK. Just because he earns more does not give him the right to bypass you and make decisions on his own like this. I really hope you can start to get some answers, and hopefully agree some changes towards better shared decision making and greater financial transparency. But I think you might find this very difficult to come back from as even if he makes those changes you might find trust remains a major issue.

Really he should just get to spend his earnings anyhow he likes when he likes? Is that how you responsibly manage family finances or are you saying since he is the main earner she doesn’t get a say?

Spending thousands on pounds on bikes when you have no savings or extra money is stupid and he probably knows it hence why he is lying to cover up. He knows his spending is irresponsible so he lies to try to pretend he is being more reasonable.

They should be going through their finances together, making a budget together and holding each other accountable not that they get to spend what they want when they want.

Eugh. You're a bit of a one aren't you.

Lack of morals really? How about his lack of morals planning to jack in his job and leave his family to survive on fresh air and buying a bike he cannot afford.

We would all like to jack in our jobs to run a business. But we can't because we have a family to house and feed. Most new businesses fail in the first 12 months after struggling for the entirety of those 12 months. Then what?

i can’t believe no one is commenting on you snooping through his phone!! I’d dump someone who did this to me? Privacy is very important even in a marriage

I personally think there are two separate points.

1. the business - is he really unhappy with his work? Is he going to work to make the business worthwhile. My partner was desperate to set up on his own, I was really unkeeen on the idea (I’m a lot more risk adverse) in the end he stopped talking to me about it because I was negative…he’s done it and he makes enough money, he works too much but he loves it.
2. bike - sounds like you would be better off if you both had some control over personal finances, even if there is only a small bit left over each month, it’s his to spend as he wants and save up for bike parts, take out personal debt. I would hate to not be able to buy what I want when I want. As long as the bills are met, it’s not really up to my partner if I buy clothes or skincare and likewise as long as he has put his money in joint acc to cover bills I don’t care how many new phones he has.

Oh dear. Another one.
Hes a lying bastard.
The phone is a non issue.

"forced to snoop" ??

here's a thought - speak with him, you know, like adults

Hi OP, I think you are awesome. And I love your user name. I think you are dealing with the odd posters on here really well.
I'm totally on your side. Do an update when you can.

I bet he has more money that you thought and has been hiding from you

I can't believe you've managed to miss all the posts commenting on that very thing

You both have trust issues and I wouldn’t trust either of you. Him for being secretive and you for totally invading all privacy.

This wasn’t just a look at a message was it? You invented to fully snoop.

Your marriage is broken now.

They’re financially linked. If the business goes tits up she’s just as bankrupt as her DH. And homeless. With kids. And you think this is an acceptable consequence of keeping nis cards close to his chest ? It’s not a ‘male thing’ when it affects his partner and children.

In what way is he completely supportive? Money in their relationship is his not hers. If she buys a top from the charity shop he has a go. He however buys £1000s worth of stuff and doesn’t tell her.