These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

This was my first thought too. Particularly about the bike stuff?

You must have spare money if you’ve not noticed it going missing. How could you not know about it? He sounds like he’s checked out of family life. Tell him it’s you or the bike. And keep an eye on your finances!

Goodness some absolutely bonkers replies on this thread. Op stick to your guns. Whatever he has or hasn't done, this is not ok. You're correct.

It's shit like this that means I am moving towards divorce. I bang my head against a brick wall where he agrees that communication is really important then he does shit like this. I've had enough, and once I'd had enough of one issue it was like scales from my eyes and I found I had plenty of other issues I'd been pushing down and not giving headspace to.

Same here, we don’t have a problem looking into each others phones. A couple of times she has been on my phone, I have asked her what she is doing and she replies ‘just reading your messages’ 🤣

Dont waste your time and energy op, on posts that you have already sufficiently answered.

You have bigger things to deal with

Sounds like a potential redundancy situation. Knows he’s got money coming in soon and bang he’s ready with business

I've only read your posts @Yahyahyahyoyo, so apologies if this has already been suggested by someone else. Is there a possibility that this is all just sort of showing off to his mates? Talking a big game about starting a new business and buying a flash bike to sound special and important in front of his friends, but with no real intention to do either? I hope it's something along these lines, otherwise they're some pretty big things to omit from talking to your wife about.

So is setting up a business in secret and letting your wife find out about it on social media.

Because he’s dishonest and secretive and maybe that’s on him and not the OP?!

This thread is weird. Dh and I use each other’s phones. I have no issue dh looking at my phone. If he wanted to check due to trust issues I’d want to talk, understand the route and fix it.

finding out dh was lying like this. I’d be gutted.

When someone posts on here that they suspect their partner of cheating, the first thing they are told is to gather evidence, go through his phone, get screenshots etc. OPs husband is being dishonest about both his employment and his finances and prioritising himself over the family in terms of finances, and OP is getting shit for looking on his phone. I don’t understand how this thread is going and a lot of people here need to check the internalised misogyny that is telling them that a man being sneaky and dishonest is in the right, and is being forced to act like this by his unreasonable wife.

absolutely this! You have completely broken any trust you had due to spying on him.

lets be clear a Facebook page and a logo is hardly starting a business, maybe it’s a good way to judge custom levels etc but it’s no more than that. And like you said it’s a bike, he bought with money he earns.

everyones lies about the cost of things to their partner, golf clubs, shoes, clothes.

if it’s one persons main hobby and not the others they will always twist about the others cost.

grow up a bit

Cos hes a lying toad.

Nope. No they dont all lie.
What kind of fucked up world do you live in?

Yes - privacy is really important, especially when you happen to be leading a double life, making expensive purchases and starting up businesses, all completely without your partner's knowledge...

I suspect its because the op said they're autistic. I am too and I've noticed a shift if I reveal it on a post, so I stopped.

I reckon there's been some sort of invasion of mumsnet by some reddit misogynistic sub or something. Some of the replies on this thread are seriously weird and very wrong.

@SlipperyFish11 I’m really sorry you’ve experienced that. People can be so awful.

I have seen many threads though where posters are horrified that their partner might check their phone and that would be divorce for them. That’s not how I feel at all.

everyones lies about the cost of things to their partner, golf clubs, shoes, clothes.

No, actually they don’t! wtf?! God, some people have a really squiffy idea of what a god relationship looks like.

I told my DH that if I ever caught him in an outright lie, our relationship would be over. Lying to someone is an absolute breach of trust, and without trust, you have no relationship. In the end, it doesn't really matter what the lie is about - once you know someone is capable of deceiving you, you know they are capable of doing it any time it's convenient for them. How can you ever believe anything he says again, OP?

So how did actually speaking with your husband go?

And to clear something else up:

-only one child is at school, the other is still too young.
-I work during school hours, hence why I can only do part time.
—I cannot work evenings as DH can’t cope with our autistic child at bedtime. Yes he really is that difficult.
-I can’t work nights as autistic child will not stay in bed.
-I would LOVE to work full time, but I am responsible for the school runs.
-yes he actually did buy his other bike brand new, it’s not to make it more sellable.

You ask that in such a confrontational/accusatory way. Why?

and honestly I’m not financially controlling or a nag. I’m actually really laid back.

I think we’ve already established I’ve been shit at keeping an eye on what’s been going with our joint account. you can’t exactly be financially controlling when you pay 100%of your wages into a joint account but have no idea what’s been going on with the account, can you? (No need to lecture me, I know I dropped the ball here, I was just foolishly too trusting)