These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

As a PP said, I'd be suspicious that he's either building debt or is hiding his income.

OP - you say all your money goes in to an account to pay the bills. Does his salary get paid directly in to that account, or does it go to his own account and he transfers money across to the joint account? If the latter, there's a high chance he's not paying across all his earnings and is keeping some to spend on new businesses and e-bikes.

I would also be very concerned about his questioning you about how much you've spent in a charity shop, when he's off spending thousands on bikes and new business deals! That's got the start of financial abuse written all over it.

Then there's the whole "I've asked the cub leader to add you to the WhatsApp group", but he hasn't lie. Why?? Why wouldn't he want you on the group? It seems really like he cares about you very little and/or thinks his wants are more important than yours.

He's not just telling lies when it comes to financial decisions. He lied about having added you to the parents whatsapp group. Deep down you know he's a liar because you knew not to take his answer at face value even on something so trivial.

It's hard to see how you move forward. If you confront him about the business and the bike he'll just tell you another pack of lies so what's the point?

I don't understand why he hasn't said to you about possibly setting up in business. Unless it's because he knows you would be hugely worried etc about it and wants to avoid causing you anxiety while it's still a maybe.
Tell him about cycle to work scheme for his bike. He'll be able to get one at a reduced cost that way, if his employer does it.
I think you've both got trust issues. The problem isn't the business set-up or the bike purchase, but that you can't sit down and talk about it, and he felt the need to hide this from you.

I actually cant abide this BS that its your own fault if someone lies to you.
If someone lies to you, its cos they are a fucking liar.
Nothing else. Not between 2 adults.
Hes a liar. And its not your fault.

My exh lied about his costly golf membership.. Lied his wages were low and we were struggling.. I was borrowing off family to pay bills... Saw a pay slip and got suspicious.. Saw him close the laptop when he was online banking. Confronted him.. He still lied... He went to bed drunk.
I took his bank card to the cash machine and got a mini statement which supported my suspicions and concluded he was a liar... Those lies cost him out marriage...
So G I hope the golfing was worth it...
Ime the trust has gone now op. I filed for divorce the next day. And threw him out.

Surely if he's happy to let you see the info on his phone he knows there would be a chance you'd see the info requarding what he's been up to?

My main concern right now would be if he's borrowing/ thinking of borrowing money to fund his new venture that it's done through a seperate buisness account so he'll have seperate receipts and isn't connected to the joint account.

Op - I think your husband's web of lies is quite big! But regardless of why, he is not only lying to you he is deliberately planning on hiding some major things from you.

It makes me wonder what else he feels comfortable hiding from you and it also makes me wonder if you will ever feel you can trust him again. For whatever reason you are not working together as a team - he does not see your relationship as needing to be a team.

Re the phone thing. I think you are being piled on unnecessarily and some posters seem to be actually enjoying taking a pop at you

I suspect the reason this has happened is that you implied in your first line that you had done wrong "I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence..." The word 'snooped' suggested you were doing something you thought your husband would not be happy with. The word 'defence' means you yourself felt you needed to argue that your actions were OK.

For me your phone snooping is so minor compared to your husband's new business venture he has failed to discuss with you. I guess that you both do look at each other's phone and are both happy with that - except I suspect you know he is not expecting you to be reading his chat or he would have deleted it.

I am not judging you about the phone snooping - but I think both some posters and you yourself are derailing the thread with chat about you looking into his phone - I hope you can get the conversation back to what you really need to address....how do you raise this with him and is there a chance of you trusting him again.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, get screenshots.

There's going to be a row and some point and you may as well have the evidence.

Don't you check your bank account?

Could he be borrowing the money or going into a joint venture.

I'd be checking if he's racked up a load of debt.

People like you scare the life out of me. Can you really not see how irresponsible he is and how her entire life is is losing its foundations and will be on shifting sand for years and to top it off she has had no say in the matter?

Some people on MN (not certain how much it translates to the real world) are strange about the sanctity of the phone, to the point where looking at your serious partner's phone is deemed equally bad as cheating or lying about major life decisions.

It does seem like your husband has a habit of lying about finances, and that's not a little thing in my book. If the family is on a tight budget, it's even worse. He may be only daydreaming about starting a new business, but then again, he may be one of those 'act first, ask forgiveness later' types. Lying about how much he spends on his hobby doesn't indicate a high level of respect for you, which isn't encouraging.

The only way to find out is to ask.

This thread went crazy overnight.
I haven’t read through every message yet, but to answer a few questions:

• no, there’s no way to do both jobs. He’d have to leave his current job.
• yes the bike is definitely his- the pictures are taken in our shed.
• yes, he definitely spent £300 on the bike parts- I confronted him at the time and he admitted he’d lied.
• I can’t access my online banking as I’ve forgotten the password, but have text him to send me his banking details, which he’s said he’ll send in his lunch break (he’s currently in a meeting- which I know is true as I initially called his work to get hold of him and the receptionist said it’s a 2 hour meeting)
• yes I have really dropped the ball with keeping tabs on our finances and I need to sort this asap. Fully my fault.
• we have a joint account and our own accounts. Mine is unused to be honest. My wages are paid into the joint account and I only use that one to pay for shopping etc.
• he has two credit cards in his name.
• yes, I completely fucked up my career taking time out to have kids. I should have continued working p/t. There’s little I can do about it now but try and make myself more employable.
• in terms of housework and childcare, I’d say I do 90%.
• I 100% do not regret snooping. No fucks given whether anyone thinks it’s deceitful! It was the right decision.

I can’t remember what else has been asked.

currently I’m signing up to several courses so that I can get myself into a better position career-wise.

thanks for all the advice.

And I notice his bike is no longer listed at a specific price, just open to sensible offers.

Well, apart from the potential financial implications of his purchases and plans, I'd be upset if in a marriage my husband didn't want to share his dreams and plans of setting up a business with me. It's a big deal, both in terms of intimacy and in money. Why hasn't he even said to OP that he was considering a change of career? Surely that's something that normal couples would talk about?

I think youre about to learn the hard way.
Hes obviously s businessman and entreprnerial minded. These types of people keep their cards close to their , you cannot broadcast what your next move will be, this is the key to success in business. You are fortunate that hes doing his best for your security. Dont let it bother you if hes setting out deals and plans. Its a male thing. My ex was like this and I let it bother me but he supported us completely and would not accept my money under any circumstances- not his cricket....Hes now quite well off.
The reason we separated was nothing to do with money but other issues.

We have an ‘open relationship’ with phones also, so you looking at dh’s phone is not an issue for me.

However, the other stuff is horrific. To want to set up a business, spend several thousand pounds, has already researched premises etc is a major issue. He should be discussing it with you a hundred percent. To me, this would be a deal breaker (and not the snooping).

He has more money somewhere. YANBU.

Very odd, not a plan goes through DH’s head he doesn’t run past me, he did once but a car without discussing it but it turned out to be shite and he’s learned a lesson 😆

Is he 12? That's age I was when I wanted a pony because all my friends had them.

Lack of transparency about finances would be a deal breaker for me, I'm afraid. And if the family have had to miss out while he's spaffing over £2k on bikes and shit, even more so.

3k? You must be joking, thats ridiculius when u dont have a few grand sat in the bank.

Is everything joint? You should look through finances together and have access to the account online. Reminds me of my x turned up with an 80k car (10 years ago) for his new business no discussion.

You need to be clear and honest with him about what you know. This is a red flag situation in my opinion. Going self-employed is a big step, and could potentially put the house at risk of it goes tits up. That is not to say it will but it is a decision that you also need to be a part of. The fact that you're earning less than him is irrelevant as you have been primary caregiver for your kids, and this does not mean that your concerns are not important. He seems to be a little childish, if you don't mind me saying. Spending money on something that he already has, and not even consulting you seems cowardly. And his lying about other things that he's bought, again smacks of not being honest. He needs to have yours and the kids interests at the forefront of his mind, and not the latest gadget to look cool in front of his mates. An honest conversation to get things out in the open is necessary. Good luck. I hope it all sorts itself out.

Yes you are being unreasonable.
If he is spending his own money on things he likes them that's his business. Same if you spend your money on your hobbies/interests.
I see it all the time, husbands hiding prices of things because they don't want a lecture on spending x,y,z.
Now, if it was a gambling issue or a drug problem then absolutely, you would have cause for concern. Just sounds like a guy who enjoys biking and wants to invest in his hobby. And a healthy hobby too.

As for the business... It sounds like he wants better for the both of you and he's trying to find ways to make it happen.
Maybe he doesn't want to say anything incase it fails. Most new business fail pretty quickly, so maybe he wants to get excited about it's potential before talking about it.

He hasn't cheated. He hasn't lied about anything serious. He is just trying to reserve a small piece of sovereignty for himself.
If you were in dire straits financially then sure, that would be selfish. But it doesn't seem that bad to me.